Bipolar Career Frustration

I’m feeling the familiar pangs of frustration with myself at the moment, for not being everything I could be. Sometimes I get so down with myself for not pursuing my interests further, I’ve never pushed myself and I don’t really know how. It’s not that I’ve never tried; I’ve tried university a couple of times, I’ve learnt the flute, piano, different dance styles and to horse ride (all bar the first during childhood/teenage years), but I’ve always lacked direction and have been afraid of screwing up. I’ve tried numerous different jobs from retail to admin, but have always gotten bored so quickly. I seem to soak up so much information in such a short period of time that once the information stops coming, I lose interest. Bipolar has always got in the way of everything. I am a hard worker, but mood swings either render me so completely unmotivated that I don’t care whether I turn up for work, too scared to turn up for work, or so hyper that I can’t focus my energy on getting to work. I hate feeling so incompetent and useless to the world- I just don’t know how to be useful. I have tried really hard to fit into “normal” life but it just doesn’t work for me. I feel like I’m always running at a brick wall only to bash into it again and again. Learned helplessness has definitely set in hard and fast. I just don’t know what to do with my life. I know I have talents and abilities, I just can’t sit still and concentrate long enough to get anything done. I’m so scared of other people’s criticism that I never even try anymore. I know other people must think I’m a lazy layabout who lets her boyfriend do all the hard work, I feel that too, but I don’t know how to get anywhere with my life, I’m tired of being knocked back. I haven’t the energy and confidence to keep getting knocked back anymore. All I know is I can’t keep going on in life not achieving anything- I need to see a point to my existence other than as a girlfriend, daughter, sister and friend. I need something for me.

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