Weddings and Growing Up

My younger sister is getting married in 5 weeks and having just attended the evening wedding reception of a friend I have known since we were ten years old, I suddenly feel how quickly life is passing by. It’s really scary to see someone who I can still picture with plaited hair, doing cartwheels on the school playing field, on their wedding day, cutting their cake.
I have gone through life so far as if way behind my peers developmentally: never having learnt to drive, no career, no babies. I know that so far this is what has worked for me while coping with the inevitable ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, but sometimes jealousy seeps in. Sometimes I want to be able to cope with all the “normal” things for my age group, things like going abroad for a holiday (without having a panic attack and major anxiety), working full time and managing to run a house at the same time, maybe having a family. Turning thirty last year definitely started the process of deciding whether I really do want to have kids. My gut reaction has always been no, but sometimes- like at the wedding- I see the families that have emerged from my sixth form friends and think that what they have looks great. If I don’t have kids, will I ever really grow up? Do I want to grow up?

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