Song of the Day: Perfect by Alanis Morrisette.
Recently I have had reason to question who I am and where I am going in life- I’ve also discovered that there are parts of me so deep and dark that it shocks and terrifies me.
I’ve had a pretty tough couple of months anyway- parent issues that have opened up a can of worms, my sister getting married (2 years younger than me and going on an amazing honeymoon- hard not to be jealous though I hate to admit it), paranoia at work, Cassie growing more aggressive, Chris not telling me he went to a strip club and had a private dance (I found out through his friends-ouch). Me being such a sensitive soul, all this really digs deep inside me, but being loathe to admit to any negative emotion I guess I brushed it all under the carpet. It all came out on a recent dog walk though where Cassie attacked another dog, the owner had a go at me, I retaliated, she basically called me a fat cow and I totally flipped. Calling anyone fat is really nasty, but to me a volcano of buried body-hating, restrictive eating, compulsive exercise, bingeing and throwing up-coupled with all the recent issues-exploded. I spat fire balls at the woman in question, I hit her on the shoulder. I didn’t care. I was possessed by a side of myself I never knew existed. The emotions came from a festering pit inside me, the mental box I used to stuff my emotions into hadn’t ever disappeared as I hoped it would. It was still there all the time, brewing anger, hate, bitterness, jealousy, betrayal, grieving for who I once was, before the Bipolar Disorder, before I lost myself in this world. The irony is I am only starting to find myself again since releasing the grief (on this poor dog walker)- I’d been looking and looking for 12 years, only to find it in the box I’d locked when I was 18, I was here all along buried with my abandoned feelings.
I’ve never felt such a huge explosion of negative energy inside me- it seethed through every pore in my body and out of my eyes, the foul things that came out of my mouth- I never knew I could actually physically say those things. The intensity of the feeling was enormous, I hadn’t a chance in controlling it, like a wild, untamed horse. At the time all I could do was feed off instinct, there was no rational adult voice anymore, just an angry, abandoned child fighting for her own sense of justice and self-worth. The part which scared me the most was that I actually had a brush with the emotions that I believe crimes of passion could be committed from. Did I know how to hurt and cause pain? From this landscape I believe I was the closest to this action than I have ever been. I was so frightened by my own emotion that I shocked myself into calming down.
I thought I knew myself. I don’t. I have a darkness inside me that I am just as capable of accessing as a murderer. I am no better. I can no longer judge. But, thank God, I know I am a sincerely loving, compassionate person, with the greatest respect for life and this light inside me will be forever, far greater than any power bitterness, rage or jealousy has over me. I have learned that just because I am “good” and “nice” doesn’t mean that I am immune to such raw, naked, electric emotions that can create chaos and great pain. But I have also learned not to be so nice all the time. Is it really worth sucking up the mild anger of everyday occurrences and risking another explosion in another 12 years? No way. The guilt is punishment enough and I now release mine and forgive myself. From today onwards, I make a vow to be true to my feelings, my inner voice, my way of living. I am different and that doesn’t have to be scary anymore. And it’s OK to admit to being talented and intelligent, I don’t have to hide it and wont hide it anymore. Developing myself should never be seen as a selfish thing. I don’t care if I never find others who are moved to such emotion by music or ballet or film or nature or words; I will stand alone and honor myself and my emotions. Those emotions are mine. I am unique not special, and this uniqueness, though lonely, is precious.