Bipolar Disorder: Up and Down and Up and Down…….

Song of the Day: The Devil Went Down to Georgia by Levellers (after The Charlie Daniels Band).

(Photo Credit: M. Denyer available under a Creative Commons License.)

(The deer image is because I saw one on my dog walk this morning!)

I don’t usually blog about the day I’ve just had, but I wanted to today because it was so weird Bipolar-wise.

Got up this morning and felt great. Haven’t been sleeping quite as long as usual- probably 2 or 3 hours less a night, but pretty much felt my usual morning energy buzz. Got to work and I felt even more buzzy and started doing the Little Miss Chatterbox act with people at work. Very quickly after talking to each person I came across, I suddenly felt really over-emotional and would start to well up. There have been quite a lot of sad things happen to people at work this week and over the last month or two, so I think maybe I was picking up on that. But I just don’t understand why I felt so emotional when talking to people- it was so strange. It was like I could feel all their sadness myself, all at once. Like I was ultra-ultra sensitive.

Once I started to work I just couldn’t concentrate- my head was all buzzy- thoughts racing through my brain. All this I guess would normally point to hypomania and looking back I think I have been a bit hyper over the last few weeks, but certainly nothing major and I wouldn’t say noticeable by others. Anyway coz I was starting to well up all the time I went to my manager and had a bit of a chat, which helped calm me down a bit. I think I felt overwhelmed by all my emotions hitting me at once. Work after this came a little bit easier, but my focus was still way off and my brain started to slow down.

On the way home came the next twist- I could only walk really slowly with heavy legs feeling like they were wading through knee-deep mud. This is classic depression with me. My brain had slowed too and I was finding crossing the road difficult- another Rachel depression symptom- it’s like my brain is too slow to work out how fast a car is coming and judge whether it’s safe for me to cross or not- very peculiar and not a bit less frightening.

So what happened today- did I just crash from hypomania to depression in the space of a few hours? I’m not feeling low- possibly more agitated than low and less able to relax than usual. I’ve also noticed a return in my health anxiety- where I worry that I’m going to have a heart attack any second- this is horrible and I just can’t rationalise it away. I’m eating atrociously too at the moment. Arghhhhh what’s wrong with me- I feel really weird! Now I’m worried about tomorrow too because I’m going to be learning how to use the coffee machines- for 2 whole hours!  It will be good to do something different but not with the way I’m feeling at the moment!


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