Song of the Day: Pretender by Foo Fighters
Since I’m clearly hypomanic at the moment I thought it would be a good opportunity to write down my symptoms whilst in the phase, rather than afterwards when I forget everything.
Main biological symptoms have been needing less sleep– probably only 6 hours a night instead of usual 9, and then waking up with loads of energy, I guess more than I usually would. I’ll wake up feeling so full of health and vitality, it’s amazing- the energy just pulses through me. I’ll walk the dog with way more bounce in my step and going at a faster speed. The feeling in my muscles is just great- I want to go faster, but I’m not fit enough! I feel like one of those labradors on the Pedigree Chum adverts where they describe you as healthy and full of vitality- slow mo camera work of dog running over fields, except it’s me with a bone and wagging tail!
I also feel more power spiritually. I don’t think I’m delusional, because otherwise I probably wouldn’t even question it, but I feel like I have some kind of power to manipulate energy, maybe even to heal. I feel golden energy bursting out of my heart chakra, it feels wonderful, I feel at one with the universe and that everything is exactly how it should be. This sounds so insane reading it back, but this is genuinely what I feel right now. I don’t think I’m better than everyone else. I think everyone has the ability to feel this way, maybe it’s just my sensitivity. I really don’t know. But I love the feeling whether I’m mad or not!
My head feels more full up with ideas and thoughts about certain things- I’m obsessing about things way more. My mind feels as if it could devour many books of information in a few hours. I do feel almost invincible, like nothing could go wrong. I feel much more confident, socially in particular and much less inhibited, like I’m funnier and can be goofier than usual- which I love coz this is me at my most relaxed . I think if everyone else around me was drunk I’d fit in quite comfortably.
I feel so much love it’s insane- for life in general. Everyone I come across I feel some connection with, even if they are a stranger- it’s like deep down I can feel we are from the same source. My friends I’m even worse with- I feel like I love them all so much! I know this is all exaggerated, but it feels so good. I really do sound like a right nut-job now!
If I could have anything right now it would be the ability to fly. I want to fly over forests and mountains and lakes and up onto the clouds. Maybe I flew in another life. See this is how high and euphoric I feel! I want to dance all the time. Music is moving me even more than usual- which is generally a lot! Yeah I guess euphoric is the best way to describe how I’m feeling.
The trouble with feeling so much energy like this is that I want to spend loads of money and do stupid things that I wouldn’t usually do- risky things that later I’d regret. I feel so impulsive- I want everything now! And if I want something I really REALLY want it! I can’t wait a second. All patience has gone. Waiting in queues is excrutiating- I physically can’t do it. If we’re at the cinema waiting for tickets, I have to ask Chris to queue for us to get them- I just get so mad and wound up waiting. I’m usually a pretty impatient queuer anyway, but with all this energy it quickly turns to being frustrated and angry and I know I’m way more likely to get into an argument, actually it’s worse than that I feel I could actually hit someone and get in a physical fight. Make sure I have the video recorder for that one, coz me in a fight would be hilarious!
Aww Rachel- what are you like?! If I don’t laugh about it all, I’ll just cry!