Giving in to Bipolar: Mixed Episode

Hi everyone,

I’m afraid I’m not well at the moment so might not be posting for a few days.

I feel absolutely shitty (sorry for language)- think it’s a mixed episode. I can hardly walk, I have absolutely no physical energy, but brain is just so full of anxiety, mainly about work at the moment. I’m having horrible repetitive thoughts about things- mainly paranoia that everyone hates me and that I’m doing a rubbish job- which realistically I know I’m not. I’m absolutely convinced people are bitching about me behind my back and that everyone’s out to get me. I’m even feeling distrustful of Chris which has never happened before. I feel really REALLY alone.

I feel so isolated because nobody understands and when I tell people how I feel they just say I’m overreacting and that I shouldn’t be so sensitive- that’s really the worst thing you could say to someone with bipolar. I also feel as if any tiny little thing is gonna make me blow up into a huge rage. I feel like a volcano bubbling with energy, just waiting for someone to say something that causes me to errupt.

I feel SO anxious and scared. I feel like something terrible is going to happen. I just want someone to be with me right now, who totally understands where I’m coming from and who can reassure me that I will feel better soon, that I will lose the extra weight I’ve gained, that no I don’t look like a total ugly heifer and that I am beautiful, that I am lovely and loveable, that what I’m feeling isn’t real and just because I feel bad, doesn’t mean that I AM bad.

I want someone to rescue me from the pain, just like in a fairytale- take me away from it all to a place where everything is peaceful and where we can live happily every after. I want to feel like me again, not a twisted, sick version of me who can only see everything around me as twisted and ugly and totally threatening. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they love me despite all this bipolar crap.

I think the only thing I can do right now is give in to Bipolar and relax into it. The more I force myself to climb out of it, the more tangled I become in it’s thorny branches. Maybe if I just relax and accept that right now is how I’m feeling. It’s not the end of the world that I feel so shitty, it’s unpleasant, it’s bloody more than unpleasant, but it will pass.

Remember the good times:

Me & Chris sitting outside the pub by the river chatting and laughing.

Me & Chris walking Cassie on the beach.

Christmasses with family.

Center Parcs & the spa!

The most beautiful music in the world- Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninov, Beethoven, Mahler, Barry, Nyman, Grieg, Einaudi- I salute you.

The most beautiful dancers and choreography in the world: MacMillan, Petipa, Cojocaru, Cuthbertson, Watson, Bussell, Nunez.

The best movies in the world: Dances with Wolves, Gladiator, Pan’s Labyrinth, Lord of the Rings, so many…

The most beautiful places that I’ve seen: Center Parcs, the caves in Cornwall, Scottish Highlands, rivers and waterfalls in Wales, the sea around Majorca.

There are so many reasons to live and so many more things I want to see. Things will get better. I’ll just give in to being Bipolar for a few days and let Chris take over the household stuff for the weekend. I’m officially resting.


8 thoughts on “Giving in to Bipolar: Mixed Episode

  1. BiPolarQueen (@BiPolarQueen2)

    Hello Rachel. I have felt what you are feeling now. I was working in a busy office when I had my first psychotic episode. I felt severe paranoia and really depressed for a few weeks before finally going full blown manic. Take it easy. Take your meds and try to relax. I have had episodes like yours before but mine always ended up being full blown psychotic episodes. Hopefully yours will not get that far. Take care of yourself and get well. Keep remembering all of the good things in your life.:)

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks so much for your supportive comment- I really appreciate it. This week has been really tough, but I’ve been through worse. I guess the mood stabilisers must have kicked in somewhere a long the line. Have had a better weekend and am feeling a bit more ready for work tomorrow. It can be so hard working with Bipolar can’t it?

      Thanks again, and for reading my blog


  2. Hannah

    Hi Rachel,
    So sorry you’re having a bad time of it at the moment – as you know, it WILL pass, however much you might not believe that right now… You are doing an amazing job by just taking each moment as it comes, and staying focused on happier times – not only that, but you’ve listed some of your favourite things, perhaps listening to some of that (
    rather fab, in my opinion) music, or watching one of those favourite films might help, even in just a small way, to give your mind a temporary rest.
    You are not alone,
    Here if you need to scream or shout xxx

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Hi Hannah,

      Thanks for reminding me that it will go- have to keep reminding myself, so easy to get lost in it all. It’s funny how reading such supportive comments, from people I have never met, can help me so much. So thank you very much- I’ve had a better weekend, so hopefully back to posting.

      Hope you’ve had a good weekend in the sun.


  3. James Claims

    Mixed episodes are always the worst, worse than depression in my book. Sad to hear that you have to go through one. One of the things that I do when I’m mixed is in finding an ultra quiet place. Some place where I cannot be disturbed. The isolation from other people gives me time with my thoughts and prevents anyone from bursting the fragile shell that I have when mixed. I love my little safe areas where I cannot be disturbed and I can just crawl up in them. It makes the bad thoughts die down and go away quicker. The only good news that there seems to be is that because manic depression is cyclical, I always can focus on the fact that my brain will pull itself together. I just often want it to do it quicker. I hope it goes quickly for you too.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thank you so much James. I like your idea of a quiet place. I think I have to remind myself to be on my own more when I’m mixed. The manic side still wants to be around people, but this is dangerous as I tend to explode! You’re right, it does feel like there’s a fragile shell around me.

      I hope you are well at the moment, and thanks again for the support.


  4. Hannah

    Glad you’re feeling a little better, hope things keep going in the right direction (oh, and that the sun keeps shining for a few more days!) xx


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