I’m afraid I’m not well at the moment so might not be posting for a few days.
I feel absolutely shitty (sorry for language)- think it’s a mixed episode. I can hardly walk, I have absolutely no physical energy, but brain is just so full of anxiety, mainly about work at the moment. I’m having horrible repetitive thoughts about things- mainly paranoia that everyone hates me and that I’m doing a rubbish job- which realistically I know I’m not. I’m absolutely convinced people are bitching about me behind my back and that everyone’s out to get me. I’m even feeling distrustful of Chris which has never happened before. I feel really REALLY alone.
I feel so isolated because nobody understands and when I tell people how I feel they just say I’m overreacting and that I shouldn’t be so sensitive- that’s really the worst thing you could say to someone with bipolar. I also feel as if any tiny little thing is gonna make me blow up into a huge rage. I feel like a volcano bubbling with energy, just waiting for someone to say something that causes me to errupt.
I feel SO anxious and scared. I feel like something terrible is going to happen. I just want someone to be with me right now, who totally understands where I’m coming from and who can reassure me that I will feel better soon, that I will lose the extra weight I’ve gained, that no I don’t look like a total ugly heifer and that I am beautiful, that I am lovely and loveable, that what I’m feeling isn’t real and just because I feel bad, doesn’t mean that I AM bad.
I want someone to rescue me from the pain, just like in a fairytale- take me away from it all to a place where everything is peaceful and where we can live happily every after. I want to feel like me again, not a twisted, sick version of me who can only see everything around me as twisted and ugly and totally threatening. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they love me despite all this bipolar crap.
I think the only thing I can do right now is give in to Bipolar and relax into it. The more I force myself to climb out of it, the more tangled I become in it’s thorny branches. Maybe if I just relax and accept that right now is how I’m feeling. It’s not the end of the world that I feel so shitty, it’s unpleasant, it’s bloody more than unpleasant, but it will pass.
Remember the good times:
Me & Chris sitting outside the pub by the river chatting and laughing.
Me & Chris walking Cassie on the beach.
Christmasses with family.
Center Parcs & the spa!
The most beautiful music in the world- Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninov, Beethoven, Mahler, Barry, Nyman, Grieg, Einaudi- I salute you.
The most beautiful dancers and choreography in the world: MacMillan, Petipa, Cojocaru, Cuthbertson, Watson, Bussell, Nunez.
The best movies in the world: Dances with Wolves, Gladiator, Pan’s Labyrinth, Lord of the Rings, so many…
The most beautiful places that I’ve seen: Center Parcs, the caves in Cornwall, Scottish Highlands, rivers and waterfalls in Wales, the sea around Majorca.
There are so many reasons to live and so many more things I want to see. Things will get better. I’ll just give in to being Bipolar for a few days and let Chris take over the household stuff for the weekend. I’m officially resting.