Work Issues

Song of the Day: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana.

Photo Credit: jpellgen available under a  Creative Commons Licence.

I haven’t written for ages because I’m in denial about stuff that’s going on at work and trying to ignore it in the hope it’ll go away. Writing will make me face up to it all!

Over the last couple of months I’ve been experiencing mixed symptoms- high energy, excessive flirting, needing to be at way more social events, crying easily, angry and irritable, needing to be centre of attention, obsessive thoughts. Could be the switch from hypomania to dysphoric hypomania?? Who knows!

Anyway, during this time my boss left for a new job- she has always been really great about my mood swings and very supportive. However, our new manager is not. I don’t want to elaborate at this time. My anger is fizzing and bubbling below the service and ready to errupt and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to hang on to civilised behaviour. I feel like a pitbull forced to be on a lead all my life and am now being confronted with a pack of snarling opponents. I’m ready to strike!!

Having mulled it over for the last month I’ve decided the best thing to do is to find another job. This is a huge risk to me, as changing jobs in the past has usually led to panic attacks and worsening Bipolar symptoms. As far as hours, convenience and job role go, my current position is ideal. However, the relationship with this person is extremely stressful and kind of cancels out all these other factors.

At work I’ve had increased interpersonal sensitivity and emotional reactivity, but at home I’ve really struggled to process the intensity of the feelings that are rapidly surfacing. I’m so stressed! I’m really angry with the other person, but also with myself for reacting so badly and giving her what she ultimately wants; I feel exceptionally guilty for being angry (I was brought up to believe being angry is the root of all evil); I feel angry that this has happened when everything seemed to be going so well; I’m so worried about changing jobs; I’m scared and intimidated about going in to work now- I dread it. It’s all really getting on top of me and I don’t really know how to process all these feelings. I think there’s a link back to my first few school years when I was bullied, so a bit of trauma is thrown in the mix too.

My main coping mechanism has been eating- stuffing the feelings down with sugar, getting that lovely numbed-out feeling when overloaded. I look forward to the next packet of biscuits or chocolate bar- the pleasure makes me forget about the pain of the unprocessed emotions. But this can’t go on. I’ve put on another half stone which I can in no way afford to do. The eating has to stop and the painful emotions dealt with. I just have absolutely no clue how to go about dealing with them.

On the plus side, had a great long weekend last week and went to see Rihanna at the O2 with Chris- fantastic and VERY raunchy!!

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2 thoughts on “Work Issues

  1. Hannah

    Hey Rachel,
    So great that you have written all this down. It is totally understandable that you are angry, I know I would be, but you are now venting a bit of that anger which is good. I have been thinking myself about jobs recently (coming towards the end of my course & all that..!), and have come to the conclusion that for me, at least, because of the mood swings & sensitivity, the people I work with & the workplace environment is going to be BY FAR the most important thing in a job for me, even more so than what the actual job entails! Maybe you’ve found this is the same for you? I think when you don’t know how you’ll be feeling or reacting to other people from one day to the next, knowing that you are around friendly, supportive people can make other stresses & problems seem less huge.
    Good Luck over the next few weeks while you decide what to do… & is there anyway this new manager can be talked to to be educated a bit on Bipolar? Perhaps a greater understanding will give this manager better tools to work with when knowing how to respond if you’re feeling bad? I expect you’ve already tried this, and it doesn’t sound very likely, but thought I’d check!
    Hannah xxx

    Reply
  2. rachelmiller1511 Post author

    Absolutely!! The people and environment ARE the most important thing!! Takes a good few years to work that one out I think!

    Thanks Hannah, you’re very supportive. I have spoken to the manager a couple of times now about how things are for me when I’m having symptoms, but to no avail. The place just isn’t the same anymore and I feel that getting a new job is the right thing to do.

    I find one of the hardest things is to stop berating myself for my emotional reactions. They feel so wrong, and in my head I can see when I’m being irrational. But I have by no means behaved badly or lost my temper at work, but all the anger comes out when I get home!!

    I really hope your course is going well. We have a couple of nurses in my family, including my Mum who used to teach nursing at St. Thomas’s in London (she was also a piano teacher!).

    Have a good week.

    Rach
    xxx

    Reply

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