Song of the Day: Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson
Over the years of mood swings I have completely lost confidence in my decision making as I no longer trust my emotions to guide me.
For example: hypomanic ideas and overconfidence have led me to apply for full time jobs that I was in no way ready for, so ended up quitting after plunging into depression. The high of the hypomania just makes you feel you can accomplish anything and become a billionaire in a month! When I’ve ended one of these jobs, my confidence is usually completely shattered.
The question is- how do you know which feelings are authentic, therefore can be trusted to make sensible decisions, and which are distorted with Bipolar and can cause trouble?
I really don’t know anymore and am finding it difficult to accept intense emotions which occur from everyday experiences. If I am excessively angry about something, I know invariably this is part of Bipolar (by excessively angry I guess I mean overreacting with rage to tiny little things). As part of Bipolar I know the emotions can be intensified dramatically, so subconsciously I think I must discount them as not quite real, therefore not to be trusted- like a delusion. And so I deny them. In my head I’m thinking:
“I shouldn’t feel so angry about this, I’m totally overreacting. It’s not REAL anger because it’s Bipolar. It is bad that I feel so angry. Everyone will hate me if I am angry. So I will try as hard as I possibly can NOT to feel angry”.
Having written that down I can now see how crazy my thinking is!! Just because I may overreact with rage does not mean that my anger is invalid. It is still MY anger, it is part me, therefore deserves to exist! By denying the anger, am I therefore denying a part of myself?
OK all this self-analysis is giving me brain-ache, so I’m off for a Diet Coke.