Song of the Day: Heartlines by Florence & the Machine
Woke up this morning feeling bleurgh- the light levels here in the UK have been so low in the last few days which has brought me down a bit. I had intended to go to the gym, but my mind was already making up excuses not to go:” I don’t feel like it, it’s so much hassle, wouldn’t I rather do some writing in Costa (always!), I’ll probably just end up eating lots of chocolate afterwards so what’s the point!” Blah, blah, blah!
I am so proud that I didn’t listen to this part of me that doesn’t want me to recover from compulsive eating, or change into a fitter, healthier me. This part of me doesn’t want me to be successful and tells me I don’t deserve it, I’m better to stay where I am in life, it’s safer and I’m less likely to have another severe depression if I don’t rock the boat. This part of me is scared- scared of change and the future, scared of failure and surprisingly of success too.
I think the fear of success is fear of excelling because it makes you stand out from the crowd and might turn people away from you, through jealousy or them thinking you’re a bit up yourself. At school I felt I stood out from the rest of the class for being good at stuff, although I had my safety group of similar friends back then. There were always people who would call you a swot. It didn’t bother me so much then, so why does it now? Change I guess, from being an underachiever and just coasting through life, to being someone who believes they are deserving and believes that they can have what they want.
Today the side of me that wants my life to improve won. I told the negative voices to be quiet and that I wasn’t listening to them. This actually felt quite empowering! I knew if I went into the city to write in Costa that I’d enjoy myself, but that I could write when I got home from the gym. I knew I would enjoy the gym once I got there and I always look forward to the jacuzzi after a work-out. I want to feel less out of breath when I walk up stairs or steep hills, I don’t want to feel eighty years old! I want a stronger body, one that wants to live. The compulsive eater side of me, she doesn’t want to live, not really. Well, not live the life she currently has. She can’t escape voices from the past, guilt, shame and regret, and the idea that a Bipolar diagnosis puts the kiss of death on your dreams. I need to show her she can lead a joyful, fulfilling life, even with Bipolar.
I really do feel better for going to the gym today, energised and revitalised. I also felt in quite a meditative state listening to my iPod on the treadmill, and started thinking about how I’d like to spend my birthday next week, and Christmas, and what holidays I’d like to go on, and would I like for me and Chris to get married? I don’t usually think about these things because I don’t want to get my hopes up and be disappointed when they don’t happen! But I enjoyed the dreaming, it was relaxing and helped me to focus on things I want from life. I hope I remember this the next time my mind tries to convince me not to go!