WARNING: Incredibly negative and pessimistic mood apparent. Read at own peril of being sucked into depressive black hole.
Yesterday was worst day yet. Chris literally had to push the zombified me in and out of the car and into the doctors surgery. Couldn’t really hold my head up, couldn’t look at anyone, kind of shuffled in. The shame of people actually seeing me like this makes anxiety and symptoms worse- stiffer and slower. Feel so embarrassed and ashamed, but could be depression symptoms as much as anything. Venlafaxine up to 300mg a day. Seeing again on Weds. Lamotrigine probably up too. Mental health team will probably see me again, but don’t really think they can help. I think they’re useful when you’ve first been diagnosed, but once you’re familiar with the system and treatments available they can’t really do much else other than refer you on to the psychiatrist-joy.
Feel like a total failure- like I’ve been graded “F” on my final life exam. Feel like my life has no future and that I’ve already given up. I even feel bad for writing this on my blog as I originally intended the blog to be about helping people with Bipolar. Reading about the lows wont really help anyone. But I guess I’m being real and honest, rather than just writing when I’m feeling better. Feel so ungrateful, there are so many people who are worse off in life. Why do I insist on punishing myself with comments like that?! The brain can play horrible tricks on you.
Actually feeling a bit better today.Ha ha! Couldn’t have written this yesterday- could barely get out of bed. Slept straight through from 10pm Thurs night, to 1pm Fri afternoon, then dozed off again til 4.30 when had to go to doctors. That is a record even for me and I do love my bed! Total= 18.5 hours sleep (although probably awake about 1 hour of that after 1pm for light box).
Been using light box for 60-90 mins per day (as suggested on box) for the last 3 days. It is supposed to take 3-4 days for any affect to be apparent. So hopefully be even better tomorrow.