Embarrassing trip to the doctors!

WARNING: Incredibly negative and pessimistic mood apparent. Read at own peril of being sucked into depressive black hole.

Yesterday was worst day yet. Chris literally had to push the zombified me in and out of the car and into the doctors surgery. Couldn’t really hold my head up, couldn’t look at anyone, kind of shuffled in. The shame of people actually seeing me like this makes anxiety and symptoms worse- stiffer and slower. Feel so embarrassed and ashamed, but could be depression symptoms as much as anything. Venlafaxine up to 300mg a day. Seeing again on Weds. Lamotrigine probably up too. Mental health team will probably see me again, but don’t really think they can help. I think they’re useful when you’ve first been diagnosed, but once you’re familiar with the system and treatments available they can’t really do much else other than refer you on to the psychiatrist-joy.

Feel like a total failure- like I’ve been graded “F” on my final life exam. Feel like my life has no future and that I’ve already given up. I even feel bad for writing this on my blog as I originally intended the blog to be about helping people with Bipolar. Reading about the lows wont really help anyone. But I guess I’m being real and honest, rather than just writing when I’m feeling better. Feel so ungrateful, there are so many people who are worse off in life. Why do I insist on punishing myself with comments like that?! The brain can play horrible tricks on you.

Actually feeling a bit better today.Ha ha! Couldn’t have written this yesterday- could barely get out of bed. Slept straight through from 10pm Thurs night, to 1pm Fri afternoon, then dozed off again til 4.30 when had to go to doctors. That is a record even for me and I do love my bed! Total= 18.5 hours sleep (although probably awake about 1 hour of that after 1pm for light box).

Been using light box for 60-90 mins per day (as suggested on box) for the last 3 days. It is supposed to take 3-4 days for any affect to be apparent. So hopefully be even better tomorrow.


6 thoughts on “Embarrassing trip to the doctors!

  1. thevitaminfairy

    Thank you for including the hard times in your blog. It’s important for bipolars like us to chronicle the good and the bad. That way we can find patterns in our feelings and hopefully find ways to avoid the bad ones in the future. I wish you the best.

  2. Sandy Sue

    Soooo glad you wrote today. All that negativity is the illness, not you. I know how hard it is to just let those ugly thoughts pass through without attaching to them, but try. Be gentle with yourself.

    Does the mental health team include a counselor? It might feel comforting to talk some of this out with a professional. I know my therapist is my biggest cheerleader and helps me break through the traps my mind sets.

    The medication adjustments and the light box will take time to work. Keep breathing.

  3. rachelmiller1511 Post author

    It is so hard to just let the thoughts pass like you say, but I like that idea of not attaching and am gonna keep that in mind.

    No counsellor unfortunately. Feel like I really need it at the moment.

    Having positive moments in the gloom though, seem to be able to cheer up sometimes, around other people or if we go out, so that’s really good.

    Thanks for the support!!

  4. jillnottelten

    Hey there’s two poles. That’s why they call it bipolar. Bad days come and they do go. eventually.
    Breathe in. Breathe out. Remember the stuff you did with your MBCT. You only have to do one moment at a time and you are allowed to have some compassion for yourself when you feel this way.
    Why don’t you soak your feet in some warm water and have a bit of a foot spa if you can work yourself up to it – nothing flash just the warm water wash and moisturiser … g’waaaan… you know it has the potential to make you feel a bit better and it doesn’t even involve committing to getting out of your pjs.


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