A life with Bipolar Disorder is always met with guilt at some stage, usually during depression. But the guilt I am feeling at the moment is less to do with a current episode and more to do with the lifestyle I lead.
Society would like us to be successful in the following areas:
– Work full-time
– Work to the highest level of our potential.
– To be financially independent.
As one of the Bipolar population, I most certainly don’t fit these criteria. Instead I:
– Work part time
– 16 hours a week.
– Receive benefits/welfare.
– Have no career.
– Am financially dependent on my partner for most things.
Today I realised how little I accept these aspects of my life and essentially feel guilty about living life this way, maybe even ashamed that I can’t reach my full career potential. According to society this would be classed as underachievement. In truth I think I’ve been thinking that due to my societal “failure” to fulfil these criteria, I am a failure and not as worthwhile or acceptable as individuals who function at a higher level of autonomy. I think to myself “I will be happy when I’m working full time in a job I love”, I never let myself be happy and accept myself NOW! So I am going to learn the following:
I am acceptable and worthwhile now!
By looking at my life from a more spiritual point of view, it is clear that our purpose on Earth is not necessarily to achieve top level management in the banking industry or become a top lawyer. In some ways we can be seen to be spreading kindness to others or love, caring and nurturing to our children, family and friends. These little acts of love can make a big difference to others. It is in these ways that we can shine our light in the world, with or without Bipolar.
I also believe that we have a lifelong course to complete in learning to love ourselves. I guess having Bipolar makes this job all the more difficult as we see so much of ourselves as flawed when we are irritable, angry and hopelessly depressed. But perhaps in this way, by overcoming more obstacles in this area, we are moving forward at a more advanced level on the evolutionary scale?
Perhaps our purpose is to help evolve in the realm of unconditional love for ourselves and therefore others?
So today I will look more at my positive attributes that may help to spread my light in the world, and the things that I can love about myself:
– Chatty/bubbly personality.
– Always smiling.
– Great sense of humour and charisma.
– Loving, king, warm-hearted, affectionate.
– Love meeting people and genuinely interested in others.
– Empathic and compassionate.
– Great conversation.
– Playful & lively & enthusiastic.
I am loveable now!!