Bipolar Disorder: Repressed Anger

The Red Button

I am notoriously bad at asking for help when I need it, particularly in the face of the mental torture of Bipolar. I guess even after all these years with it I still feel ashamed, as if it’s all my fault. So asking for help comes with swallowing my pride and risking feeling vulnerable and exposed

Over the last couple of weeks my depression symptoms have been increasing in severity – mainly relentless despairing thoughts, fatigue and I’ve also been having panic attacks again.

Two days ago I was at work, sitting at my desk in the office thinking that I couldn’t handle this job anymore: a reaction to a few snide comments from a colleague.

This person is someone who pushes my buttons. Not just a few; all of them. Including the big fat red one that says “do not press under any circumstances”. Pushing the red button is my trigger into panic, anger and despair. It is the doorway to all my past pain and trauma. It is what I fear the very most,  and I know anyone getting near it will trigger my emotions to spiral out of control. I do whatever it takes in life to prevent anyone from getting even close to this button. But this colleague somehow manages to slip and slide her way around all my control mechanisms and with a sly, gleeful grin on her face, jumps up and down on my past pain anguish and trauma.

Suicidal and Resigned

So there I sat at my desk thinking that there was no way I could handle working with her anymore. I was exhausted, tearful, verging on suicidal. My body had almost given up. I wanted out of my life. I could easily have just curled up in a ball and refused to move or speak.  Let someone else take care of me if they want me in their life so much. I clock-watched for the rest of the morning. Each five-minute period more painfully slowly. I told myself to wait it out til the end.

I managed to get myself home at the end of my shift. I couldn’t go on like this.

Back in October I experienced a severe depression. Over the last few days I could feel the same symptoms coming on again. I knew that the previous episode had been triggered by an argument with this colleague. I had thought I was over all the depression. But seeing it come back in identical form made me realise that drugs and CBT weren’t going to help me anymore. I’d seen the psychiatric nurse recently and I’m on a huge dose of anti-depressants. I needed something different. I was beginning to think the key to my healing was in this relationship with this person and the buttons she was pressing. I was in so much confusion and turmoil that I knew I couldn’t make sense of all this on my own. I knew I needed to talk to someone, and I knew exactly who to ring.

Asking for Help- Ripping off the Band-Aid

My spiritual development teacher, Dawn Chrystal, patiently listened to my panicky sobs on the other end of the phone, helping me through the hysteria. She’s a wonderfully calm person and I regained composure fairly quickly. I think I panicked because I was so scared to reach out to someone I don’t see very often at all, especially about feelings that are so despairing and private and excruciatingly painful. Also talking about the emotions to her made them seem all the more real and raw.

Dawn reassured me and told me that she has worked with many people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. She sees any illness in terms of the soul and said that in her professional opinion she believes there is a huge link between the Bipolar mood swings and repressed anger. It made a lot of sense to me, as I know I was extremely angry with my colleague last August during our arguments, but hadn’t expressed it in any way.

Repressed Anger

I’ve always held my anger in. I was brought up in a strong Christian household and was taught that to be angry was wrong. If I was angry I would go to hell. So I’ve always pushed and pushed it down, sucked it up and tried to see everyone in a more loving light. I tried to understand my boss and perhaps took on all the blame for our argument, accepting all her criticisms of me. If it was all my fault, then I didn’t have to be angry with her. I never expressed my anger, as nobody seemed to understand and the usual comments of me being too sensitive spilled from friends’ mouths. This only made me more angry.

But it all goes much deeper than the argument with my colleague. My terrible bouts of rage that have cropped up in the past, also triggered by this person in this situation, have their roots in my childhood and anger towards my parents. The colleague pushed the big red button, the doorway to my past traumas with them, exposing the red-raw nerve and unexpressed, repressed anger.

Dawn helped me to see that my relationship with this colleague is actually a gift. She is allowing me to re-experience the raw, un-expressed anger from my past and by doing this I can express it and let it go, a little bit at a time.

I had been denying my anger and pushing it down over endless cycles- each raging experience often proceeded by a period of depression. My depression has been getting worse and worse and she said this is because I’m denying all the pain and emotion, each time fighting against feeling it, as to me this would be unacceptable, to feel so many negative emotions- I think I’ve essentially- at a very basic, unconscious level- really believed I’ll go to hell if I do. The depression is all the self-blame and judging for being so “bad” for having this dark core inside me. I’d rejected myself again, as an unacceptable human being.

Hope & Healing

Dawn provided no end of comfort to me in showing me that overcoming the repressed past and integrating the”dark” side of me as part of my “whole”, is all part of my spiritual journey, and part of learning and growing. She helped me to see that in ringing her and reaching out, I’d let some of the pain out and have shown that I am ready to deal with the pain, to learn and move on.

I’ve learnt that there are people out there who really do understand and can help. Just by realising that there was a cause for my depression and that it can be healed, has really eased the self-hatred I felt. She has shown me that it is OK and safe and essential that I release the pain and anger I feel. I think God’s gonna let me do this a little bit at a time. By staying at my job with this person I will be allowing little rumbles with her to ease out the past, allowing me to express it in manageable chucks. It may hurt, but at least I know I have support there when I need it.

Support- Bach Flower Remedies & Exercises.

Dawn prescribed me some Bach Flower Remedies to help with the depression and anxiety. I will keep you informed of my progress with them. She also gave me a few visualizations to do:

1. To comfort my traumatized inner child: imagine I am in a big comfy arm-chair cuddling myself as a child. As a child I feel extremely frightened, alone and angry. As an adult I can reassure her, hold her and send her love.

2. Surround my colleague in bright pink loving light, within a bubble.Hand the bubble over to God. This is to make sure that I allow her to deal with all her issues herself, as I do tend to take on other people’s problems.

3. This is a very important exercise- Grounding. Imagine beautiful, white light from heaven arriving at the top of your head as a beam of light. Slowly it travels down your body to your feet. Here it continues into the ground, forming roots that reach deeper and deeper into the Earth, until they reach the centre. This exercise gives you a heavy, relaxed feeling in your body- a feeling of stability that should help you to feel supported. It should be performed with your feet flat on the ground.

4. Draw a picture of my colleague- a funny one. I drew her as a little baby sitting on a throne with a crown on her head, screeching and screaming and throwing her toys! It really helped me to see her more lightly and less as intimidating.

To Dawn- I am so very, very grateful.

To you- I hope you have, or will find, your Dawn. Give her a call!

For more information on Dawn Crystal, please visit her website.

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17 thoughts on “Bipolar Disorder: Repressed Anger

  1. Mountain Missy

    I love this post and your techniques to help with your anger. I, too, have serious repressed anger, mostly with my husband, we have a rocky relationship, but I like to hold on to anger when it comes to him and it’s seriously unhealthy. I’m going to try what your spiritual advisor told you…and how the heck can I get me one of those?!
    Melissa 🙂

    Reply
  2. rachelmiller1511 Post author

    Thanks so much!

    The visualisations have helped so far. Just knowing that there’s a way out of depression helps. Expressing the anger when it appears will be my biggest challenge!
    I can relate to your relationship. I hold in quite a lot of anger towards my boyfriend too.

    Good luck with the exercises. Thanks for commenting.

    Rachel

    Reply
  3. Sandy Sue

    Rachel, I’m sososo glad you have someone like Claire to talk to and to help untwist your thinking when it gets knotted. Anger can be very useful. It lets us know when our boundaries are violated, and gives us the energy to re-establish them. I hope, down the line, you’ll be able to set new boundaries with your boss. It will be scary, but life-affirming.

    Reply
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  8. opinionatedredhead1313

    I found your blog through Flabbergasted Mom at What Do You Mean I’m Bipolar. I’m happy I found you. I am on the other spectrum with Bipolar Rage as I was raised by an undiagnosed Bipolar father and a clinically depressed mother. My father was a tyrant. The only way to get anyone to listen in my family is to literally scream at the top of your lungs. Unfortunately, I took this bullshit with me after I left home and here I am 18 years later with it. It has almost ruined my marriage and I am currently trying to repair my wounded relationship with my husband who has lived with this bullshit for the past 18 years. Either way – keeping it in or screaming it out……neither are healthy. Anger is an emotion, just like all the other emotions. However, how we express that emotion is very important for ourselves as well as those we love. I just wrote a post about my own Anger issues http://ramblingsofanopinionatedredhead.blogspot.com/2012/08/anger-management.html

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Hiya, so great to hear from you. I’ve already had a brief stop by your blog and will spend more time on there later. Can totally relate to living with parents with mental health issues- think that is a massive challenge in itself, particularly as we were innocent little children! Learning to deal with anger seems to be one of my life lessons, something which I seem to encounter most days! If I’m around people I generally have to deal with anger!! LOL.

      You are completely right about the way in which w express that anger can be very important. I think I’m still learning to find healthy outlets.

      Like I say, I’ll be back to your blog as I think it’s a really relevant one for me and thanks again for stopping by.

      Rachel.

      Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Hi Brenna,

      I think you mean the final 4 points, is that correct? My spiritual development teacher suggested them to me. Grounding is a pretty standard spiritual development technique used to help stabilize our energies, making us feel more comfortable and in control.

      Does that answer your question?

      Rachel

      Reply
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  10. sweet jane

    I like the valuable information you provide in your articles.
    I’ll bookmark your blog and check again here regularly. I’m quite sure I’ll learn lots of new stuff right here! Good luck for the next!

    Reply
  11. mon1987

    I love this website. I too have BP, ADHD, and Anxiety. I’m not medicated but a lot of my help comes from medication, counseling, and self-love. I think what you’re doing is Awesome to be vocal and I was diagnosed 2 years ago. At 27, I’m going ready to get my MSW . I’m going to start my program 2 years from now and have my licensure to practice at 36. It’s an expensive dream but I’m ready to throw myself into mental health reform and policy change with minority mental health and social work.

    Reply
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