Bipolar Disorder: Hypersensitivity Sucks.

I’ve been diagnosed as Bipolar for about 13 years. Throughout this time I’ve had periods where I’ve questioned the diagnosis. Major Depression I was in no doubt about having experienced, but I have wondered if the hypomania is just from me having quite an energetic, confident, excitable personality. I would say I get hyper and distractible, but I’ve never experienced the drive to stay up all night cleaning or writing novels. But my main issue is that I never seem to be completely symptom-less.

Despite being on (a wacking-great dose of) anti-depressants and mood stabilisers, which keep me much more balanced than I have been in the past, I still feel chronically questioning of my life, waiting for death, struggling to work or at least to maintain relationships at work. I feel sorry for myself a lot and would like to rid myself of the feeling of victimhood I seem to foster.

Currently I’ve hit yet another brick wall where work is concerned- I’ve quit due to chronic bullying. It hasn’t been severe bullying by any account, more of the psychological mind-games type, which was torturous enough. I’ve been having panic attacks again, feeling intense anxiety and having to always be on guard to see where the next “blow” is coming from.

My hypersensitivity has been my downfall in this situation. Being so easy to upset is obviously, to a bully, what blood is to a shark. I keep thinking why the hell do I have to be like this? Why can’t I just have a pill to take away this emotional fragility? This is where I think that Bipolar doesn’t cover all my symptoms- perhaps I have Borderline Personality Disorder too? Obviously the mental health profession don’t have the time or resources to investigate into this further. It seems they’re only there if you’re gonna hurt yourself or someone else. I guess I’m starting to realise I’m the only one who cares or can do anything about it.

I feel like I’ll never be able to keep a “normal” job. I’m so thin-skinned. I hate this. People say that I should look at the good side of being so sensitive- I am fairly arty and musical. But I lack the emotional strength to take on any criticism without dissolving into floods of tears, so I avoid taking art and music any further so I don’t have to deal with the emotional fall-out. But now I realise I’m living my life in a tiny restrictive bubble.

I just keep thinking- why am I like this? I’m sure some kind of trauma must have created this hypersensitivity. When I get criticised I feel like my whole world has fallen apart and often have a panic attack. I just don’t get it and wish that I could intellectualise myself out of it- but I feel so stuck. I don’t know how to move forward with this symptom. Obviously restricting my life even further is not the answer and I really want to work on drawing, piano, flute and being more creative.

The bullying experience at work has been a nightmare and I’ve completely lost trust in people who I truly thought were my friends. I feel confused and bewildered by the whole thing. I keep thinking: What did I do wrong? I must have deserved it in some way. People never like me, I just don’t fit in. There must be something wrong with me. 

I just seem to keep attracting traumatic events in my life. I’ve no idea why, but sometimes I just want a break!!

Photo Credit: Akeeris

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7 thoughts on “Bipolar Disorder: Hypersensitivity Sucks.

  1. Pingback: Bipolar Disorder- Towards Healing: Self-Forgiveness « My Bipolar Life

  2. Pingback: You’re So Sensitive « My Bipolar Life

  3. Beestingz

    I have recently self-diagnosed as bpd. Do you have any early childhood issues around abuse, neglect or unstable parenting? If you are bipolar, that sets up a negative situation that most parents wouldn’t be able to cope with properly, which in turn sets up a situation where bpd can develop.

    You sound just like me in many ways. My dad was bipolar before he died when I was three. Then my mom apparently was hospitalized for a time which probably set up an abandonment scenario for me.

    Anyway, sounds like money for therapy isn’t an option, so I’d suggest looking at books like “Living with BPD,” and Marshal Linahan’s Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Being your own therapist is a long way from being ideal, but you might be able to get some insight into your distorted perceptions, which in turn set up negative emotions. Mindfulness meditation, taken from the Buddhist tradition has been shown to be helpful also.

    I feel your pain. I have been suffering with bipolar style bpd and depression for 30 years. I am only just now figuring out what my problem has been all these years, but I am starting to feel like there is a chance things could get better.

    Just remember to love yourself first, do good deeds and love others without attachment or expectation of recognition for it, and maybe things will start to improve.

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thank you so much for this comment. Although this post was written a while ago, I’ve been feeling a little lost recently. The reassurance came at the right time- thank you.

      Loving myself is where I’m wanting to start. Most of the time I’ve been able to- but the last few weeks I’ve found challenging.

      Thanks for the recommendations and support, it’s much appreciated.

      Reply
  4. faeriemagic07

    Please keep me posted if you discover new ways on how to overcome and cope with BPD, since I am also facing the same challenge. There is no Psychologist in town, and even if there is one, I could not afford it, so I’m scavenging the internet for some information. I’m a bit at odds here because articles say it cannot be solved alone.

    Sadly, I do not have access to anti-depressants and mood stabilizers which means I have to sedate the pain in some natural way. I’ve tried singing, pinching myself, and other coping mechanisms until my mood starts being normal. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

    It’s a bummer because whenever I try to cope like punching the pillow instead of being verbal about the anger, my parents just tell me to stop because it’s abnormal. Although our teacher would say that it is a good move, it’s really taxing that nobody here in my town knows the particulars of this disorder and if I fail to check myself, they will just dismiss me as weak. I don’t want to go insane, because there’s already one in the neighborhood, but I don’t think I can convince my parents to take me to a psychiatrist since taking me to a doctor because I’m currently sick right now is almost impossible because we could not afford it.

    So there! =)

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      I understand your financial concerns, but I am also of the persuasion that it is best to have someone else help you. Sometimes the right acquaintance or friend shows up at the right time. A friend of mine, who was a psychotherapist for 25 years, has just been giving me psychotherapy for free- she’s been fantastic and we’ve been working through some tough abuse issues. If it can happen for me, it can happen for you too! Don’t give up hope- you CAN find someone to help you. BPD is very tough to deal with, but you CAN get better!!!

      Best wishes,

      Rachel

      Reply
  5. Pingback: Receiving a Diagnosis | Emotional Wellness

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