I’ve been diagnosed as Bipolar for about 13 years. Throughout this time I’ve had periods where I’ve questioned the diagnosis. Major Depression I was in no doubt about having experienced, but I have wondered if the hypomania is just from me having quite an energetic, confident, excitable personality. I would say I get hyper and distractible, but I’ve never experienced the drive to stay up all night cleaning or writing novels. But my main issue is that I never seem to be completely symptom-less.
Despite being on (a wacking-great dose of) anti-depressants and mood stabilisers, which keep me much more balanced than I have been in the past, I still feel chronically questioning of my life, waiting for death, struggling to work or at least to maintain relationships at work. I feel sorry for myself a lot and would like to rid myself of the feeling of victimhood I seem to foster.
Currently I’ve hit yet another brick wall where work is concerned- I’ve quit due to chronic bullying. It hasn’t been severe bullying by any account, more of the psychological mind-games type, which was torturous enough. I’ve been having panic attacks again, feeling intense anxiety and having to always be on guard to see where the next “blow” is coming from.
My hypersensitivity has been my downfall in this situation. Being so easy to upset is obviously, to a bully, what blood is to a shark. I keep thinking why the hell do I have to be like this? Why can’t I just have a pill to take away this emotional fragility? This is where I think that Bipolar doesn’t cover all my symptoms- perhaps I have Borderline Personality Disorder too? Obviously the mental health profession don’t have the time or resources to investigate into this further. It seems they’re only there if you’re gonna hurt yourself or someone else. I guess I’m starting to realise I’m the only one who cares or can do anything about it.
I feel like I’ll never be able to keep a “normal” job. I’m so thin-skinned. I hate this. People say that I should look at the good side of being so sensitive- I am fairly arty and musical. But I lack the emotional strength to take on any criticism without dissolving into floods of tears, so I avoid taking art and music any further so I don’t have to deal with the emotional fall-out. But now I realise I’m living my life in a tiny restrictive bubble.
I just keep thinking- why am I like this? I’m sure some kind of trauma must have created this hypersensitivity. When I get criticised I feel like my whole world has fallen apart and often have a panic attack. I just don’t get it and wish that I could intellectualise myself out of it- but I feel so stuck. I don’t know how to move forward with this symptom. Obviously restricting my life even further is not the answer and I really want to work on drawing, piano, flute and being more creative.
The bullying experience at work has been a nightmare and I’ve completely lost trust in people who I truly thought were my friends. I feel confused and bewildered by the whole thing. I keep thinking: What did I do wrong? I must have deserved it in some way. People never like me, I just don’t fit in. There must be something wrong with me.
I just seem to keep attracting traumatic events in my life. I’ve no idea why, but sometimes I just want a break!!
Photo Credit: Akeeris