My blog post yesterday was full of resistance to my emotional sensitivity and the pain it has brought me. I was feeling very bitter and resentful towards the people who have abused my softer nature, most recently in the form of bullying at work. I want to try and heal these angry, hateful thoughts.
I think the number one job involves forgiving myself, as outer reality is often said to be a reflection of your inner life. And I know I bully myself.
I forgive myself for trying to make myself fit into society- by pushing and pulling my soul around and denying my true self it’s needs in order to avoid the disapproval of others, criticism and bullying. I have abused my soul by ignoring it’s cries for creativity and expression, for feeling shame for liking the things I do and having a spiritual life. I have felt the need to hide this part of me. I am scared of being different. I was teased no end at school because I went to church every Sunday, one of about three in our class of thirty to do so. We were called bible-bashers, people didn’t want to hang around us. As a child I blindly allowed everyone to see me as I was- I loved listening to classical music from the age of 11, going to the ballet and going birdwatching. I naively shared my passions out in the open, unaware I would be an ideal bullying target. So naturally I shrunk back from my peers and started to feel ashamed of the things I loved- I felt hopelessly inadequate.
I forgive myself for hiding my authentic self, it was a perfectly natural defensive response. I no longer need to hide.
I forgive myself for allowing the opinions of others to be more important to me than being true to myself.
I forgive myself for rejecting my sensitive nature.
I will work towards forgiving the bullying, but I forgive myself for my current anger: I am only human.
I now allow my true, authentic self the freedom to flow and flourish.
I celebrate my authentic self by indulging in my passions. This is not selfish, it is an act of kindness towards myself.
I nurture the gifts my sensitivity brings me.
There are many other areas in which I would like to forgive myself, but I think working on one issue at a time is probably the way forward.