Two weeks ago I quit my job- I was being bullied and hadn’t even realised. I’d put up with being belittled and harassed and it wasn’t until I spoke up to a few trusted colleagues, who helped me to see what was really going on, that it dawned on me- “why the hell am I putting up with this?”
I’d been miserable and suicidal over the whole period of time it had gone on, I just wanted to hang onto my job because it was a safety net and my way of showing the world I could function as a “normal”member of society. I wasn’t being myself. I was counting the minutes until I could leave. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I still don’t.
I wasn’t coping or functioning!
So I quit.
A weight lifted. I’m bloody terrified now, but over the last two weeks, little by little, I’m feeling remnants of the old me coming back. Hopefully within a few months I’ll be devoting myself to my passions again, the mask will completely lift and I’ll be able to be myself again. Thank you God!
I’m still terrified though! I have no money! I have enough to pay bills, buy food etc, which I am very grateful for, but nothing “spare”.
This is really making me stay at home which is actually a good thing. Usually I flit about in the city- spending money on silly things- basically wasting my cash. Buying “things” filled the void of emptiness. It was a coping mechanism to deal with depression. I could deny my feelings all I wanted if I raced around keeping busy.
Now I can’t shop or buy extra food to binge on.
Arrrrghhhh!! So scared! I’m having to feel things again. I know it’s gonna be a really good thing and help me to heal from past traumas. I know it’ll make me work on my passions again. But with all this comes emotional pain. I think I’ve thrown myself in at the deep end, but I think that’s the only way I’m ever going to change and get over my food and shopping addictions.
Scared, but ready. Bring it on! ….er.. slowly….and in manageable chunks. Thanks.