Letting Go- I’m Free!

Two weeks ago I quit my job- I was being bullied and hadn’t even realised. I’d put up with being belittled and harassed and it wasn’t until I spoke up to a few trusted colleagues, who helped me to see what was really going on, that it dawned on me- “why the hell am I putting up with this?”

I’d been miserable and suicidal over the whole period of time it had gone on, I just wanted to hang onto my job because it was a safety net and my way of showing the world I could function as a “normal”member of society. I wasn’t being myself. I was counting the minutes until I could leave. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I still don’t.

I wasn’t coping or functioning!

So I quit.

A weight lifted. I’m bloody terrified now, but over the last two weeks, little by little, I’m feeling remnants of the old me coming back. Hopefully within a few months I’ll be devoting myself to my passions again, the mask will completely lift and I’ll be able to be myself again. Thank you God!

I’m still terrified though! I have no money! I have enough to pay bills, buy food etc, which I am very grateful for, but nothing “spare”.

This is really making me stay at home which is actually a good thing. Usually I flit about in the city- spending money on silly things- basically wasting my cash. Buying “things” filled the void of emptiness. It was a coping mechanism to deal with depression. I could deny my feelings all I wanted if I raced around keeping busy.

Now I can’t shop or buy extra food to binge on.

Arrrrghhhh!! So scared! I’m having to feel things again. I know it’s gonna be a really good thing and help me to heal from past traumas. I know it’ll make me work on my passions again. But with all this comes emotional pain. I think I’ve thrown myself in at the deep end, but I think that’s the only way I’m ever going to change and get over my food and shopping addictions.

I’m ready.

Scared, but ready. Bring it on! ….er.. slowly….and in manageable chunks. Thanks.

Photo Credits: Free Girl by Andy Newson, Free Man by Graur Nazvan Ionut


9 thoughts on “Letting Go- I’m Free!

  1. mentalhealthtalk

    Wow! I am so excited for you Rachel! To quit your job and follow your passions is such a big step and so many people, regardless of their mental state, don’t have the courage to do it. Kudos to you.

    I’d love to hear what things you are passionate about and considering pursuing when you’re ready to share.

    I of course can’t say what will happen financially–I have the same fear. I am working on trusting myself to be able to cope with this uncertainty through meditation. It is helping. It helps me to recognize how resourceful and creative I am in other areas of my life… and helps me to consider that perhaps I could rely on those skills if I were in a financial crunch…

    Much love to you!

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks so much! I’m getting used to the idea of little money now, but it’s really sparked off my creativity being at home and I do have some ideas of what I’m going to do with my time- none of them involve working for anybody else! I’m getting quite excited now!

  2. Mountain Missy

    You sound so free. I’ve had so many shitty jobs where the girls were so mean to me or I just plain hated it or the people who worked there. I’m so glad you are free from the torment. It’s scary having to be responsible for other people, not just yourself. I’m struggling with that right now. I finally found a job, after months and months. Good luck and happy job hunting!

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thank you- I am free! I never realised how trapped I felt being in a regular job. I was always so bored and never really fit in. I think I have many challenges ahead, but I think the freedom might be worth it. I’m in a very fortunate position where I don’t have dependents and my boyfriend’s job can sustain us for now- I’m very lucky and grateful!

      Hope you’re feeling a bit better today.


      1. Mountain Missy

        Thanks Rachel, Feeling well. As you know, I’m sure, there are good moments and not so good moments. Take this time to figure out what makes you happy and go after that with all your heart. What a freeing and wonderful time in your life!! Embrace it! xx

  3. Chris

    How do you think you would have handled the situation if you were not one your meds? Do you think that the meds caused you not to be aware of what was going on? I am curious as I have tried lamotrigine myself and it did not work very well for me.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      That’s a really good question which I’ve had to put some real thought into.

      Without the lamotrigine, my depressive episodes have lasted a lot longer- probably months- and been more severe. So the episode I experienced before Christmas could potentially have been a lot longer than 5 weeks.

      I don’t think the meds caused me to be unaware of what was happening. I think I was trying to see the good in the bully, making excuses for her every time something happened. I think I was too passive and naive. I honestly don’t think I ever really thought anybody could be so mean- I truly didn’t understand that other people could be like this. I’ve not really met people who bully in such an aggressive way as she did.

      I realised after I read your question that even though I have been on lamotrigine there have still been major issues and I’m thinking maybe I should go to my doc for better treatment of hypomania. I still experienced hypomania whilst I was working and this caused me quite a lot of problems. Lamotrigine is only effective in treating depression. Looking back, my main chronic symptoms have been more towards the mixed state, which I guess can be hypomania-driven.

      It’s a shame you didn’t find any relief with lamotrigine, I hope you have found another med to help you?


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