I’m home everyday. I know that probably sounds extremely boring to many, but it’s been an absolute blessing where bipolar symptoms are concerned.
When I was working at the railway station I was in a chronic state of anxiety. Anxiety about getting into the city, being in the city with all the noise and traffic, dealing with stressed-out, negative people- it was inevitable I would become one of them. After work I was thoroughly shattered and would usually crash out on the bed for a few hours to recover.
I was constantly mood-swinging. Although the swings were probably smaller than they would have been without lamotrigine, they were still very disruptive. I virtually had no energy left to do the things I love. It was no way to live. I did not want to wake up in a years time in exactly the same position.
Quitting has freed me.
I love being at home and relaxing in bed with a good book. I love sitting on my laptop writing to anyone who’ll read my blog. I am so grateful that people do read my blog- so thank you so so much. I love playing the piano again and singing at the top of my lungs to Emilie Sande and Alanis Morrisette. I love walking my dog in the beautiful countryside and woodland everyday- nature is so healing. I love being around positive, high energy people who I am blessed to have in my life.
Aside from my usual anxiety issues, my mood hasn’t been this stable since I started the job two years ago.
And do you know what? I don’t feel GUILTY! (Well maybe a little tiny bit). Usually I would be beating myself up with:
“You should be working in a regular job like everyone else, you’re so lazy, what will people think of you?”
I DON’T CARE what people think!! This is so unlike me! I never thought I’d achieve that.
Only I know the pain bipolar and anxiety have caused me- I am not going to abuse myself by staying in a job that was making me ill. We are only here for our short lifetimes and I don’t want to spend my whole life being miserable.
Being in all the peace and quiet at home has brought up some issues from the past, relationship-based issues. I have been feeling the pain and hurt for some of these experiences- I guess these are the emotions that I suppressed at the time.
I sat in bed and cried the other day about a primary relationship that has been based on falsehood. I cried tears of loss and grief for the love that I never had. I accepted part of it and felt that I had let go of a little bit of pain from my past. I also wrote a letter to a “friend” expressing my anger with her (I didn’t post it) and I now feel another small part of me has healed.
I’ve been “feeling” my emotions a lot more; acknowledging them, accepting them and not burying them deep inside me. Whilst working I had no emotional strength to trawl through any pain brought up during the day. Everyday, working relationships would trigger past hurts to boil up inside me, but I had no energy to deal with them. I was stumbling along in life in a chaotic ball of churned up, unresolved hurt and pain. I’m still a ball of hurt and pain, but the ball is slowly shrinking.
I thoroughly believe in a higher power and I know in my heart that it is this higher power that is helping me to heal whilst I am in this relaxed state.