Healing at Home

I can’t believe how different I feel since quitting my job- I think it’s possibly the best thing I could have done.

I’m home everyday. I know that probably sounds extremely boring to many, but it’s been an absolute blessing where bipolar symptoms are concerned.

When I was working at the railway station I was in a chronic state of anxiety. Anxiety about getting into the city, being in the city with all the noise and traffic, dealing with stressed-out, negative people- it was inevitable I would become one of them. After work I was thoroughly shattered and would usually crash out on the bed for a few hours to recover.

I was constantly mood-swinging. Although the swings were probably smaller than they would have been without lamotrigine, they were still very disruptive. I virtually had no energy left to do the things I love. It was no way to live. I did not want to wake up in a years time in exactly the same position.

Quitting has freed me.

I love being at home and relaxing in bed with a good book. I love sitting on my laptop writing to anyone who’ll read my blog. I am so grateful that people do read my blog- so thank you so so much. I love playing the piano again and singing at the top of my lungs to Emilie Sande and Alanis Morrisette. I love walking my dog in the beautiful countryside and woodland everyday- nature is so healing. I love being around positive, high energy people who I am blessed to have in my life.

Aside from my usual anxiety issues, my mood hasn’t been this stable since I started the job two years ago.

And do you know what? I don’t feel GUILTY! (Well maybe a little tiny bit). Usually I would be beating myself up with:

“You should be working in a regular job like everyone else, you’re so lazy, what will people think of you?”

I DON’T CARE what people think!! This is so unlike me! I never thought I’d achieve that.

Only I know the pain bipolar and anxiety have caused me- I am not going to abuse myself by staying in a job that was making me ill. We are only here for our short lifetimes and I don’t want to spend my whole life being miserable.

Being in all the peace and quiet at home has brought up some issues from the past, relationship-based issues. I have been feeling the pain and hurt for some of these experiences- I guess these are the emotions that I suppressed at the time.

I sat in bed and cried the other day about a primary relationship that has been based on falsehood. I cried tears of loss and grief for the love that I never had. I accepted part of it and felt that I had let go of a little bit of pain from my past. I also wrote a letter to a “friend” expressing my anger with her (I didn’t post it) and I now feel another small part of me has healed.

I’ve been “feeling” my emotions a lot more; acknowledging them, accepting them and not burying them deep inside me. Whilst working I had no emotional strength to trawl through any pain brought up during the day. Everyday, working relationships would trigger past hurts to boil up inside me, but I had no energy to deal with them. I was stumbling along in life in a chaotic ball of churned up, unresolved hurt and pain. I’m still a ball of hurt and pain, but the ball is slowly shrinking.

I thoroughly believe in a higher power and I know in my heart that it is this higher power that is helping me to heal whilst I am in this relaxed state.

Photo Credit: Glasses Michelle Meiklejohn; Countryside Nick Coombs; Celestial FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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5 thoughts on “Healing at Home

  1. projectwhitespace

    (Your dog does look a lot like my Belle!)
    I so envy you that you got to quit your job. And no way, if you can afford it, don’t feel guilty about it. I would do it in a heartbeat if I could. I’m glad you are feeling healthier being able to stay at home, blog, take walks in nature with your dog. Enjoy it!

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks so much! I’m in a really privileged position at the moment where my partner is able and willing to support me for a bit. I know I’ll be wanting to make my own money again in a while, I just want to be in a much healthier state of mind when I go back to working. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all take a few months off to enjoy life? Mind you, nobody would probably go back to work!!

      Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting!

      Reply
  2. Lisa Ann

    (I thought I was following your blog but I’m glad I checked because I wasn’t! But now I am!)

    I too am a HSP, along with my middle sister. You see your life differently when you realize what being highly sensitive means.

    My sister discovered that “grounding” is important to HSP. When we are overwhelmed by too much activity and stimulation from the outside world, just as you said, we need to “go within” once we are away from the world. “Shattered” is the key word, and it fit so perfectly when my sister said it. I too need to “pass out” and sleep in order to ground myself again. I feel as if I literally “reset” my mind.

    Almost a year ago, I was laid off from my job, and in some ways it’s been the best thing for me. It’s giving me time to focus on me and to go through this journey to quit antidepressants and work on my health. It’s SO hard not to beat up on yourself! But you’re on the right path, and I bet you will continue to discover wonderful things about yourself. 🙂

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks for your comments Lisa Ann- glad you’re following me! 🙂 I really enjoy reading your blog.

      It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who isn’t working, it really can be a blessing when you can focus your time on the things you love.

      I like what you’ve said about grounding- I never realised how important it was until recently, it truly makes a difference.

      Great to connect with someone who’s on a similar journey. Thanks for reading.

      Rachel

      Reply
  3. Pingback: High Sensitivity and “Limitations” | Emotional Wellness

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