After a week of warding off any kind of thinking that I might have slipped back in to depression- I surrender! I am depressed!
For the last week I’ve been extremely tired, sleeping 12-14 hours a day, am also really slow physically, and have had a couple of panic attacks too. I kept thinking oh, it’s just cause I’ve been doing so much walking. I’ve been feeling like a “bad person” too, mainly because I can feel the old anger towards my parents churning up inside me again.I always feel so guilty. Anyway I guess I’ve been trying to reason all the symptoms away and CBT- myself out of it, but I think it’s time to just let myself accept it and rest.
So stubborn to deny an illness that I know will always be with me, but each time I’m well and back to normal mood, I have that tiny little bit of hope in me that maybe this time I wont have another episode. Maybe that’s it and I’m totally cured! So accepting any new depressive symptoms that begin to creep up can be really tough. I don’t want anymore depression! Haven’t I done enough time already?!
There’s a pose in yoga called The Corpse. It’s the wonderful pose you do at the end of a yoga class, when your muscles are all achy and tired, when you just flop down onto your back on the floor and basically surrender your body to God/the universe/spirit. There’s always that initial fight in you to support your own body though. Your muscles are tense and stubbornly refuse to relax into the floor. You hang on to your own control. But eventually your intent to relax every little muscle waves through each cell and you get to the point of surrender: physically, mentally, emotionally. You give up that control and trust that everything’ll be OK. I guess that’s where I’m aiming for today with acceptance of this depressive episode.
Maybe I’ll let God take over this one.