Bipolar Depression: I Surrender!

After a week of warding off any kind of thinking that I might have slipped back in to depression- I surrender! I am depressed!

For the last week I’ve been extremely tired, sleeping 12-14 hours a day, am also really slow physically, and have had a couple of panic attacks too. I kept thinking oh, it’s just cause I’ve been doing so much walking. I’ve been feeling like a “bad person” too, mainly because I can feel the old anger towards my parents churning up inside me again.I always feel so guilty. Anyway I guess I’ve been trying to reason all the symptoms away and CBT- myself out of it, but I think it’s time to just let myself accept it and rest.

So stubborn to deny an illness that I know will always be with me, but each time I’m well and back to normal mood, I have that tiny little bit of hope in me that maybe this time I wont have another episode. Maybe that’s it and I’m totally cured! So accepting any new depressive symptoms that begin to creep up can be really tough. I don’t want anymore depression! Haven’t I done enough time already?!

There’s a pose in yoga called The Corpse. It’s the wonderful pose you do at the end of a yoga class, when your muscles are all achy and tired, when you just flop down onto your back on the floor and basically surrender your body to God/the universe/spirit. There’s always that initial fight in you to support your own body though. Your muscles are tense and stubbornly refuse to relax into the floor. You hang on to your own control. But eventually your intent to relax every little muscle waves through each cell and you get to the point of surrender: physically, mentally, emotionally. You give up that control and trust that everything’ll be OK. I guess that’s where I’m aiming for today with acceptance of this depressive episode.

Maybe I’ll let God take over this one.


30 thoughts on “Bipolar Depression: I Surrender!

    1. Catherine Dexter

      And it’s the little moments like that, which can make you smile, that we hold on to. My moments are often in disguise as a big, chubby cat called Horatio and he is sometimes the only thing that can touch me.. :]

      1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

        Too true!

        It’s amazing how animals can totally cheer us up. They’re so carefree!

        I often think when I’m depressed, I wish there was a place I could go to play with some puppies for an hour! I’d pay to do that!


      2. Catherine Dexter

        Me too! I always think to myself ‘ I wish I could borrow some kittens for a day and I’d be totally better’..isn’t that strange? We both find the same thing comforting!

  1. Shelly

    thanks for following my blog! I read a few of your posts…oh, us bipolars have so much in common, don’t we…doesn’t matter which part of the world we live in. What you write resonates deeply with me. We’ll just continue to do our best as we journey on the road of life.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Oh, thank you so much Shelly! It means a lot that you can relate to what I’ve written. It’s so wonderful to meet new like-minded bloggers, I feel privileged to have met so many wonderful people via blogging.

      I look forward to reading more of your blog.


  2. Tallulah "Lulu" Stark

    I know how hard it is to make an admission about a mood state. My last depressive episode was the worst to come to terms with, because it followed an ultradian cycle and a long period of stability before that. It was like admitting it was making it real. Otherwise, I could go on about my life without depression. The point is, no matter what we call it, the symptoms are still present. I gave in. I had to admit it, because the treatment I was giving to it wasn’t working out. And I knew that if I admitted it, then I could take my first steps to getting support for it.

    Good for you! I do hope you’re feeling better soon. In the meantime, you know where to find me!

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      You’re so right, it is that feeling of admission making it real. And yes, that’s when you can get the right support- thanks for the reminder (I’m notoriously bad at seeking out help and support and tend to grin and bear it).

      Thanks so much for your support Lulu. It never ceases to amaze me how supportive fellow bloggers are. Knowing you all truly understand really makes it all feel a lot less lonely!

      Thanks again.


      1. Tallulah "Lulu" Stark

        I’m extremely bad at seeking out support as well. Sometimes, I feel like if I ask for help, that’s admitting that I failed to handle myself. But, I know where that idea comes from. (Years, and year of adults telling me to “control myself” and the disappointment that came from my agony). I have to remind myself that having a mood episode is not experiencing a failure. Mood episodes are just a part of this, and this is a part of who I am. No one blames people with autism for outbursts. It’s just acceptable. The only time I can consider myself to be failing is when I am backsliding into old habits, you know? Even then, identifying it is still better than continuing on without questioning it.

        I am more than happy to lend my support. I feel awful doing it anymore, because I don’t seem to feel like I can be a reliable source for it. I want to be there, and I want to help more than anything. But, I don’t know. I feel like there is so much about me that is so complicated. Weird. I haven’t felt so unstable about myself since before I was married.

      2. rachelmiller1511 Post author

        Yeah, admitting to needing/wanting help can be a bit of a swallow your pride moment. When you meet the right people though, it’s amazing how much support you can get. I like helping people and I never see anyone as weaker for asking for help- so it’s weird how we see ourselves as weaker for asking!!

        Sometimes unstable times can bring in good changes- maybe that’s what’s coming your way 🙂

  3. Lisa Ann

    Yes, acceptance is key. But be sure to accept how and what you feel. Don’t feel like you have to accept “depression.” Accept the emotions you feel–rational or irrational–and just work on processing them. And most importantly, love yourself through it all. I know all this sounds cliché, but it personally helped–and continues to help–me.

    One day at a time, Rachael.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks Lisa Ann, I’m feeling a bit better today, hopefully a the start of getting back to normal!

      You are so right about loving yourself through the depression, I think I’m doing better than I usually do at that! I probably need to relax a bit more though.

      Thanks very much for the support it is greatly appreciated.


  4. Lisa Ann

    Oh, and by the way, have you ever tried Valerian? I’ve been using it a lot during my tapers and it really helps with anxiety. It comes in a tincture and you may want to try it.

  5. Summer Moon

    I am so sorry you are in that low place Rachel. Please know you are not alone and we are all here with you. I send well wishes your way, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs! 🙂

  6. projectwhitespace

    I’m reading this after your post after this, so I know you are feeling better. And I’m oh so glad you are. I’m thinking maybe you did relax and let God have this one? (and I totally know what you mean about that pose–how at first your body still wants to support you, but eventually you give in…)

  7. rachelmiller1511 Post author

    Thank you, I’m glad I’m feeling a bit better too! Seem to be a bit up and down at the moment. Maybe I did let go!

    Ha ha, so glad you know what I mean about the corpse pose! Gotta love yoga!

    1. Richard Hendrich

      richardhendrich2012/117th of June; Rachel, I am a 66 year old BiPoler II/ Chronic Heart Failure.
      BiPolar because I recognize symptoms since before adolescence. It was the power plant of my soul
      except when the engine died during a depressive episode… I found your blog as I have disputing doctors including psychiatrists differing on, for me, BiPOLAR or BPD. I really identify with you.

      1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

        Hi Richard,

        Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting,

        Sorry to hear you’re a fellow sufferer! Great to hear from someone who can identify with the Bipolar versus Borderline diagnosis though- always good to connect with someone who feels like me. Sometimes I think I’m both! The symptoms can be so similar I wonder if it’s all related!

        Thanks again for commenting.


  8. Jonathan Abbott

    wishing you all the best.
    Im restarting my med regimine today.
    BP2. Our ordeals are very similar as well.

  9. Jonathan Abbott

    I also think about the borderline possibility.
    Im trying to stay focused that bi polar runs in my family.

    “My sould hurts.”

  10. rachelmiller1511 Post author

    Hi Jonathan, thanks for reading and sending good wishes. When you say about your soul hurting I can completely relate. Great to hear from you and I hope your med regime is successful.


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