To the Bully,
You scared me. You belittled me. You made me feel inferior, like a slave. I spent far too much of my time trying to please you in order to gain your approval. I didn’t realise that you didn’t give a shit about me. I worried and fretted about your anger, aggression and spite. I didn’t understand that there are people in the world who are only out for themselves. You were so skilled at pretending to be someone’s friend and then stabbing them in the back.
You raged and shouted- blaming your whole sorry existence and misery on a few of us gentle ones. I thought I wasn’t good enough, but it was you who projected this onto me. You are filled with rage and pain. I felt it every time I was in a room with you- you loved to share it out with us. I tried my best to understand you and be compassionate. I did my very best. I now know that there are people in the world who cannot love other people. I couldn’t even comprehend this at the time- it was completely foreign to me. You enjoy inflicting misery and pain: it gives you security.
But now I am beginning to see the gifts you’ve given me. You helped me to wake up to the misery I was living in everyday at work, and to see that I was desperately trying to be something I wasn’t. I will never feel alive working in an office for a company only out to make money. I will never be trendy and with the “in” crowd. I was never cared about in a group I truly thought were friends, but turned out to be completely dysfunctional. Friends can be toxic.
You’ve shown me my magnificent side. Your hatred of my talents and strengths have just spurred me on to cherish them and change my life. I don’t want to be like you. I can’t believe I spent so much time and energy getting you to like me. It’s quite funny really!!
I feel sorry that you are lonely and have no love in your life- only the vague illusion of it. You’d have liked me to be an alcoholic, go clubbing, to have no relationship and be stupid. It is sad that you feel the need to be around others you judge to be inferior just so you can feel better about yourself. Now I hope that one day you will see the love and light in life and that you don’t have to spend your time in misery.
I forgive myself for my anger towards you, and for judging you. I remember to see the gifts you have given me.
I needed to quit my job. I’m happy I did. I need time to heal and to learn to be and love myself just as I am. I don’t want to feel ashamed to be me. I don’t want to feel ashamed to be successful. I don’t want to be so damn scared of being judged and criticised by others. To be ashamed of myself as a person is one of the cruelest things I could do to myself. Perhaps I was the real bully in allowing myself to be abused by others.
To the Other Bully: Me
I’m sorry I made you small.
I’m sorry I told you that you are wrong to be you, that you are faulty and a freak.
I’m sorry I told you that you shouldn’t be yourself.
I’m sorry I denied you.
I’m sorry I made you say yes, when you screamed no! at the top of your lungs.
I’m sorry I made you say no, when you ached to say yes.
I’m sorry I made you believe the bullies were right.
I’m sorry I let others treat you like shit.
I’m sorry I hated you for not fitting in.
I’m sorry I forced you to be someone you’re not.
I’m sorry I’ve gagged and bound you, hidden you from the world.
I’m sorry I didn’t let you feel what was natural to feel.
I’m sorry I haven’t let you fly.
I’m sorry for abusing and ridiculing you when you became depressed and anxious.
I’m sorry for trapping you in a life you hated.
I’m sorry I felt disgusted and repelled by you.
I’m sorry I didn’t protect you from harsh people and environments.
I’m sorry I made other people superior to you.
You are beautiful, creative, intelligent and full of love for others and for life. Remember and believe this.
You are free to fly…