Moody Rachel Returns

I’ve hit a mini brick wall of mood symptoms again: tearfulness, irritability, low motivation, fatigue and general “can’t be bothered-ness”. I’m so tired and keep falling asleep and am getting ratty with my Chris (boyfriend). I hate being like that, I feel really guilty. I think I might be putting too much pressure on myself with regards to this blog and trying to make it brilliant. Right now I can’t do brilliant. Only average. That’ll have to do for now.

I’m feeling undeserving. I think this is just depressive negativity taking over. Undeserving of the good things in my life. I guess I’m starting to feel really guilty about my lack of contribution to the household finances in the last few months, so maybe it’s time to start thinking about earning money again.

But I just can’t think about working in a regular job again. I’ve had 14 years of being in and out of jobs that have just increased my Bipolar symptoms drastically or resulted in severe anxiety and panic attacks. I have never ended a job on a positive note- ever! I’ve always ended jobs due to health issues. I don’t want to just go back to this pattern. I want to earn money doing something I love. I just want to be happy and fulfilled whilst earning money. Is that too much to ask universe??!!!

Onto the more positive:

Going out for Italian tomorrow with Chris, then onto the IMAX cinema for The Dark Knight Rises. Chris has been going on about this film for the last year!!! Yes, a year!!! We’re both film geeks, but Chris just take sit to a whole other level when it comes to films that he loves. He booked the tickets 6 weeks ago. Chris at his geekiest.

It will be really great to go out on a date again. It’s been a long time and I’m gonna get dressed up and everything! (This doesn’t happen very often folks!) Chris has been on a bit of a downer recently (might be affecting my mood or vice verser) so I think we both need a bit of fun.

I really want to go on holiday to Center Parcs again. Center Parcs is my haven and I’ve been dreaming about lazing around the gorgeous spa, and stupidly-early morning walks around the forest to find deer. I honestly never feel so well as when I am at Center Parcs, it’s like the best medicine ever, but funner (yes, it’s a word in my Rachel dictionary)! It’s basically a whole holiday centre built into a massive forest. The accommodation is dotted around the forest in the most peaceful settings you can imagine. You wake up in the morning to find ducks, rabbits and squirrels on your patio. It’s like real-life Disney World!

Cars are not allowed on site except for loading/unloading which really helps create the magic. They have an amazing swimming pool with slides, rapids and wave machine which makes me feel like a kid again- not that difficult really!

There is just so much to do there, you could never be bored. I think I’ve done most of their activities now: horse-riding, archery, falconry, biking, nature walks, abseiling, shooting, canoeing, badminton, tennis, pool, snooker etc, etc. The spa is amazing too.

OK, well thinking about a holiday is making me feel a bit better so maybe I’ll go and do some more research.

Photo Credit: Toa55 via

24 thoughts on “Moody Rachel Returns

  1. bravingbipolar

    I have the exact same symptoms you discribe in your first paragraph. Luckily, I can still smile and am not being negative. Hope you feel better soon!

  2. mentalhealthtalk

    I have a video for you: Maybe you will find it inspiring and thought-provoking. I love this guy both for his biz sense and his personality.

    A humble suggestion: gratitude is one of the highest vibrational states we can be in. When I get down (on myself), I get grateful for the little stuff in my life. Whatever I can muster to be grateful for. It helps my mood.

    I hope you have a great time on your date. Much love to you Rachel and as always, thank you for being part of the MHT community.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks so much Trish. I’ve just started the video, it looks fab- thank you. Just the kind of thing I like.

      I’m sure you’re right about the gratitude attitude too. I hope I don’t come off as ungrateful, but I think perhaps it’s time I started a gratitude journal. Someone else has reminded me to be grateful recently so I’m thinking there’s a message there!

      Thanks Trish for your support, as always.

  3. Summer Moon

    I’m sorry you’re feeling low right now, Rachel. I hope you can find a way to balance all of the things you want to do in a way that works best and healthiest for you. Your haven of Center Parcs sounds wonderful! The animals alone makes it an amazing experience in my eyes. 🙂 It sounds like such a positive and uplifting place to visit. I hope you are able to get there soon for yourself, ’cause it sounds like a great place for you to feel better. Take care of yourself and just know you’re not alone. Hugs!

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Aw thanks Summer. It has been suggested to me to try the gratitude approach, so I’ve just started a gratitude journal. I think I’m angry at the universe. You know how some days you can really feel like “why me?”. I’ve felt like that. And I know I have a way happier life than a lot of people. So maybe gratitude is the way forward! Or maybe I just have to get my anger out…..!
      Hope you’re well Summer and thank you for the support xxx

  4. bipolarmoms

    As far as your blog is concerned, your average IS brilliant. 🙂 We all come back to read it over and over again, don’t we? I hope that you feel better soon. Remember that when you have Bipolar you can only control our thoughts and your moods up to a point. Sometimes the way you feel is just out of your control and you have to wait it out. Look after yourself while you’re going through this stressful time.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Aw thanks so much- I really appreciate what you’ve said about my blog and also the support. Thank you. You know, what you’ve just said about being able to control the thoughts and moods up to a point is exactly what I tell other people!! And then about waiting it out!! So true. Isn’t it weird how you never take your own advice, or at least have to be reminded! Thanks so much xxx

  5. Jen

    What are you talking about – average! Doughnut! Your blog is ace, you obviously put a hell of a lot of thought, work, heart and soul into your posts, it is something to be proud of. Also, you are still doing it, when I dip and have those motivational slumps I can’t even face the computer, let alone blog – hence ‘occasional blogger’. So don’t be so hard on yourself. It will pass and tomorrow is another day xxx

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      I am a doughnut- a Krispy Kreme one with strawberry icing and cream in the middle 🙂

      Thank you for the lovely comments about my blog, I appreciate it a lot!! Feeling a bit better today 🙂

  6. projectwhitespace

    I’m with bipolarmoms and Jen, your blog is awesome–all the time. So I don’t know what you mean by making it brilliant–it already is!! Don’t be so hard on yourself and push yourself too hard. Adding that stress to yourself can sooooo backfire. That’s what I’m trying to recover from right now. 🙂
    I love this parc that you are going to–it sounds so sweet! We don’t have anything like that around here, but if we did, it would probably be my favorite place too.
    Really cool that you have created a gratitude journal. Let us know how that goes. Stuff like that, I start and then start feeling better and then I drop it. I should really do one FOR LIFE. 🙂
    Hope you are feeling better soon.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      You’re recovering from pushing yourself too hard? Aw, it’s so easy when we get excited by so much to really go for everything isn’t it?! Hope you’re having time to chill out. I’m really lucky to have lots of chill out time.

      Had some wonderful news at the weekend- my sister has just given birth to a daughter. I’m an aunt for the very first time and am so excited! So I’m feeling pretty good now 🙂

      Yeah Center Parcs is amazing!

      The gratitude journal is working at picking my mood up too. It was Trish from Mental Health Talk who gave me the idea (above comment).

      Hope you’re good Bethany and I was wondering what you’d like me to post about on your blog? Would be great if you could do one for my blog too sometime? But no pressure if you’re already overwhelmed with marathon training!! Was fascinated to read that you were in the forces. Might be interesting to read about it in a post if you’re ever stuck for ideas- but somehow I doubt that!!

      Take care Bethany and have a great week xxx

  7. crazybeanrider

    First I think by recognizing your mood is the first step to towards fighting it. Second, your blog is far from average. You offer so much to your readers by sharing your experiences and positive support. I think to often we don’t give ourselves the credit we deserve for the good things we do. Thirdly the spa vacation sounds absolutely wonderful. A trip like that can only make you feel better, seeing and being in the tranquility of nature brings new meaning to living life. I love the quiet solitude of nature. Escaping away into the beauty of it all. Fourthly, have a great time at the movies, it is always a fun time when you get to see something you have been waiting impatiently to see. Hope these things lift your mood to something much more acceptable.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks so much for your support! Thank you for what you’ve said about my blog- means a lot. Think you’re right about not giving ourselves enough credit. I think those of us with Bipolar are particularly hard on ourselves.

      I’m not feeling too bad today, certainly better than how a lot of other bloggers I’ve read about are feeling. Think I’m actually one of the lucky ones! But I guess by posting about the bad days I’m being realistic too and not pretending life’s all hunky dory!

      Yeah I love nature too- I think it’s so important to escape from the business of towns and cities and just chill out.

      Movies were fab thank you!! Saw the Dark Knight Rises which was amazing. My boyfriend and I were both blown away by it.

      Thanks so much crazybeanrider!! I don’t know your real name!! Really appreciate your support xxx

      1. crazybeanrider

        Yes I think it is important to blog about when things are not so great as well as when you are doing well. It gives people a better view of your experience with bipolar. I am so very new to blogging I will get the hang of eventually 🙂 Glad you enjoyed the movie, I have heard the same thing from many who also saw it. Hope you are feeling better. I go by Boo, a nickname that has followed me since childhood.

  8. Julie Buhite

    I loved reading this post, Rachel. I’ve been thinking today that when my emotions and strength take a turn for the worst, there seems to be a pattern of pushing myself too hard, probably even unrelentingly. Your sharing is strengthening.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Hi Julie,

      Thanks so much for stopping by. Maybe you’re right, maybe it is when we start to dip in emotional strength that we start pushing ourselves too hard. Things don’t seem to come as easily so we perhaps push ourselves harder to make up for it? I guess we have natural cycles of being productive and needing a little more rest and that it’s best to honour our body. Thanks for helping me see that! 🙂


  9. Julie Buhite

    “Things don’t seem to come as easily so we perhaps push ourselves harder to make up for it?” Perfectly expressed. I love how intuitive you are, Rachel. I find myself always working to discover clues and realize patterns in my behavior, thought patterns, motives and results… and then attitudes and consequential actions when I feel I’ve disappointed myself or I’ve once again fallen on my face (things that are usually self-destructive). Now that the connection with internal pressure has been made, that’s huge. That’s a really big clue. I find that I understand and love myself more as I realize patterns and stop pounding on myself. I just went through a life change that was hurled at me almost a week ago and just got back on my feet this morning. I find that cleaning and organizing and simplifying make for wonderful and necessary strategies when I’m thrown off-kilter and my life needs to change. On that note, back to work! Big hugs, J

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Aw bless you for the compliment!

      That must be quite a life change to knock you off your feet for a week. I really wish you well with whatever challenges you face. You’re right about cleaning and organizing- they really can help to ground us when we’re tossed about! I often have a clear out too.

      Thank you so much for your positive comments and lots of luck with the changes you need to make.

      Big hugs back,


    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Bless you, thank you very much. When I was first diagnosed I got fed up with reading the same dry medical info in books. I like reading other’s real life experiences too. Thanks for your kind comment.

  10. Sandy Sue

    I”ve missed you, Rachel! I haven’t been getting notices in my email on several of my favorite sites, so I’ve tried un-following and then re subscribing. I hope that will keep me in your loop now.

    I know this is an older post, so any comments will be passé. But, I’ve tried and tried to go back to work, or even volunteer, and it always ramps up my BP. I’ve had to just let go of that dream of work and money, and learn to live on my social security disability check (which is 200% below the poverty line here in the US). Still, I keep my eye open for an opportunity that might fit me and not make me sick.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Aw, thanks Sandy Sue! I keep popping to your site. It took me a while to figure out the email notification system, so I only switched yours on a couple of months ago.

      This is still a very relevant post to me as it’s the main area in which my life is affected. Like you- work or even volunteering sets off BP again. I’ve tried time and time again to work; I’ve never lasted longer than a few years (which I actually think is pretty amazing!). Whenever I work at a job for this long I always need about a year to recover!!! I’m gonna stop being so stubborn now and finally accept this is not what I am meant to be doing in life.

      I think the only way I want to make money anymore is through my interests and passions. I am lucky to have lots of time to spend on them!

      I’m learning to live with a lot less money at the moment. It’s hard. But I know I’m still better off than some. I am kind of aching for a holiday though!!

      Thanks very much for visiting again Sandy Sue xxx


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