I’ve been feeling stuck for ideas for posts, or as Dotty Headbanger would put it, I’ve been suffering from the dreaded Wordy Block. Actually I’ve not just been stuck for post ideas, but feeling stuck in general.
Today I decided to do something about it, so I sat down on the sofa and did nothing. That’s right zilch, nada, niente. This was my cunning plan you see- if I sat down to do precisely nothing, I might find out what’s really going on inside me.
So recently I’ve been feeling:
- Unable to concentrate and distractible.
- Struggling to come up with post ideas and even sentences.
- Sleepy and tired.
- Irritable and snappy.
- Low motivation.
- Getting annoyed and frustrated with myself when I can’t concentrate or do anything “productive”.
- Can’t settle down to any activity- really indecisive.
Plan A: Try Harder and Do More.
So far my solution to getting over these symptoms has been to try harder and do more. But after a week of pressurising and flogging myself I’ve finally realised that this approach isn’t working. Every time I start something new I get distracted, frustrated, can’t concentrate and give up. I’m constantly flitting from one thing to another.
Plan B: Do Nothing.
Part 1: Doing nothing.
Part 2: Mad conversation with self on paper.
So how did that go?
Initially I sat down, shut my eyes and asked myself what was up? What was really up- not just that I couldn’t write a post. So much came into my mind that I ended up writing it all down and now I’m typing it out so all you lovely people can try Plan B when you get stuck!
After writing down the problem and the symptoms I was experiencing (as above), I realised I was being really mean with myself by putting on too much pressure and setting overly-high expectations. Becoming angry and frustrated with myself was just making me shut down the emotions I was really going through. I wasn’t at all in touch with what I was really feeling and experiencing- just trying to deny and hide from it all.
Part 2: Mad Conversation With Self : Transcript
I feel lazy for not working, and guilty and ashamed for the same reason.
Why? What am I afraid of?
Fear of being judged by other people, God, etc.
What if God and the world are just fine with me not working? What if all I had to do was sit here in this chair and I would still be loved completely? How would that feel?
Like a huge weight had been lifted. I’d feel relieved, lighter, more relaxed, less tense. It would be freeing and I would feel really cared about.
What would you do?
Sit here and think. Feel the love that doesn’t care if I sit in a chair all day. Feel cared about. Let myself fall asleep. Write down anything that comes to mind. If I feel like putting music on, I’ll do that. If I feel like reading Fifty Shades of Grey I’ll do that. Stuff that none of it is “productive”! It’s productive in the sense that I’m learning to look after myself! Make something nice for lunch- a cheese salad sandwich. Watch something good on TV.
(It’s amazing how guilty I often feel just for existing!! It’s like I wont let myself enjoy anything. I seriously need to let my hair down!)
What else is bothering me?
I’m really worried Chris will leave me. (Whoa! Didn’t realise that one was there!)
Because I’m not working at the moment. Because I don’t have the body of Jessica Alba. Because I’m irritable and snappy. Because I’m not bloody perfect!! Feel I don’t give him anything, don’t contribute anything positive.
Of course I do: love, trust, loyalty, faithfulness, devotion, kindness, caring, support, freedom and space, attention, affection, fun, laughter, joy in shared interests and experiences, companionship. I’m a great person and I’m only moody the minority of the time. I’m also probably not as moody as I think I am, and I do apologise.
Results of Plan B
I feel much better about myself and I have this lovely post for you all! Problem solved!
Photo Credit: photomyheart via freedigitalphotos.net