Out of Deep Darkness: Finding Balance.

It is only since having found my balance whilst not working that I realise how I easily I fall out of balance. Being out of balance felt like this:

– a struggle.

– huge mental and physical effort to get through the day.

– depression, anxiety, agitation or hypomanic energy.

– loss of control over emotions and life in general.

– overwhelmed and overstimulated swinging with boredom in life.

– addicted.

– thoughts of suicide and death in general. (ALWAYS see a doctor if this is the case).

– exhausted mentally and physically.

– pains; headaches, IBS, tense and sore muscles.

It took me a long, long time to realise that I didn’t have to feel like this anymore.

Life is not about struggle. I couldn’t continue to live struggling. There was no need.


Deep Rest and Retreat

Being at home most days may seem very boring to those who need a lot of stimulation, but it has been an immensely healing experience for me.

The first few weeks after quitting I was nervously exhausted from the stress of working in a negative environment. I slept, meditated, journalled and read, spending most of the day in bed. I had virtually no energy to do anything physically: I thought I had chronic fatigue syndrome as I felt so weak.

Not once did I turn to beating myself up about being lazy and out of work. I desperately needed this to find my feet again.

I’ve been working on myself, trying to release angers, hurts, resentments,  forgiving others and myself and changing my thoughts to positive ones. It is so true that we can find our peace by going within.

Two weeks after quitting I felt much more peaceful and accepting of myself. I seemed to enter a blissful state of balance through deep rest and retreat. Slowly over the last few months my energy has returned and I feel like myself again.

I’ve been in an extremely fortunate position where my partner has been supportive of my rest time, as well as financially supporting us both. For this I am exceptionally grateful. It has been essential to accept his financial support for my own peace of mind, rather than fight against the guilt of not working. I CHOSE not to feel guilty. I have felt grateful for this time to heal.


A State of Balance

Being in balance feels like this:

– initially a huge release and surrender of guilt, shame and other burdens.

– trust in the universe to look after you, that the universe is on our side and cares about us.

– relaxed.

– peaceful.

– an attitude of kindness and compassion for yourself.

– gentle.

– forgiving.

– appreciation of the small wonders in our lives.

– heart rather than head leading us forwards.

– self discovery and adventure internally- getting to know ourselves.

– allowing ourselves to receive goodness in all it’s forms.

– trusting that everything will turn out fine.


Surrender and Trust

It was scary to not have my own income at first as I didn’t qualify for benefits/welfare. But I needed time, rest and balance way more than disposable income.

So Chris and I worked out a mini- budget for me and he took over paying for my minimal monthly bills. We’ve cut down on going out and are more aware of our spending, but I know things will improve over time.

Trusting in the universe to provide has also allowed some rather lovely unexpected money to come my way too! I am so lucky!

I realise that taking time out like this is not an option for many due to financial commitments, but I strongly urge those who are really struggling to maintain their mental health whilst working to take time off if at all possible.

And please do yourself the biggest favour by releasing all guilt about doing this!! It is so easy to feel we are an essential component to our workplace, but they always manage without us! Those who over-rely on us also learn to take more responsibility.

Find that loving, peaceful place in your hearts that LETS you truly rest, relax and take care of yourself. Others around you will cope and loved ones are generally happy to see you in a more relaxed, healthy place emotionally- relationships have room to breathe and improve.


From the darkness to the light.

Some of us have been through extremely dark, despairing times. Maybe you’re in that place at the moment.

Know that you CAN turn things around.

You may have Bipolar like me. I will always have this condition, but I now know that balance can be achieved along with peaceful self-love. I will always have to maintain this balance throughout life. I will always have challenges to work on. But the more I’m in this state of balance, the better able I will be to work though them. They will not knock me back as hard or for so long as before.

This beautiful state of balance is a gift to give yourself. It is available to ALL, with absolutely no exception. BELIEVE IT! And believe you are truly worthy, because you are.


Photo Credit: Tree by Dan via freedigitalphotos.net.; Scales by kittisak via freedigitalphotos.net.; Sunset by Federico Stevanin via freedigitalphotos.net.


12 thoughts on “Out of Deep Darkness: Finding Balance.

  1. Shelly

    your story is very similar to mine except I didn’t find out I was bipolar until I was 47. I needed to stop work to heal so I resigned. After 2 1/2 years I was healed enough to go back to school. I practice good self care to stay as healthy as possible. I no longer feel guilty that I need so much quiet time. The healthier I am, the better I am in all of my relationships. It’s so good to be in balance now. It IS possible to turn ones life around.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks for sharing that Shelly. It’s great to know there are others like me who have had to retreat to quietness! Our mental and emotional health is so important and we’re not very often taught to look after it. So glad that you have found your balance. xx

  2. Jenny Wagstaff

    I had to leave work due to my mental health (depression) and I don’t regret it for a second – now that I too have let go of the guilt. It truly is a case of priorities, my family and therefore my ability to take care of (and enjoy) them, is more important than anything else. I hope to retrain in something that suits me better in the future, when the time is right – not yet.
    What a positive, great post! You go! 🙂

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Putting our priorities in the right order is so important- I’m really glad this is working out for you too. It’s great that you realise that it’s not the right time to retrain yet- with depression you really do have to be gentle with yourself. Thanks for the great comment! xx

  3. Sandy Sue

    This is an ongoing struggle for me, Rachel. Since losing my dream job 6 years ago due to my BP, I’ve not been able to work again–though I keep trying. While I’m content with my life as a writer and artist, the poverty is crippling. I’m sure it contributes to the stress that sets off my symptoms. Every day I point my thoughts toward acceptance, ease, and abundance. It will come for me, too.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      I do understand. You certainly need enough money in life so that there is no stress coming from the inability to pay bills etc. Any stress so easily sets off BP. I think if you’re thrown into the situation, rather than choose it, it is probably scarier and more worrying. There is less sense of control. I wish you all the luck in the world xx

  4. NZ Cate

    Balance is everything. That’s my motto right now and sometimes the hard part is working out what the right balance is, what the right level of activity for you is, but in my experience taking time to stop and listen to myself usually reveals just what is right for me.

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Wise words- “taking time to stop and listen to myself usually reveals just what is right for me”.

      Balance is very much part of my inner world too at the moment- or at least learning to maintain balance and not getting too swayed either way.

  5. Pingback: Out of Deep Darkness: Finding Balance. | Working Through Bipolar Disorder

  6. Marinella

    Thank you. So many words sound just like my situation now. I am fed up of self-diagnosing myself, though, so will insist with my doctor this time. I need support, and need to hear voices like mine. Thanks again x


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