HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!
TRIGGER WARNING– Suicidal thoughts discussed.
Since Saturday (clocks went back an hour in UK) I’ve been totally pooped and sleeping about 14-16 hours a day! That’s a crazy amount of sleep. But since my mood has also been rubbish, I think sleeping has been a total relief! If you don’t have to get up in the morning for work, tiredness can have its benefits with depression!
I’d been waking up not feeling myself at all. I was thinking about death all the time- that my life was totally pointless and I might as well be dead. I know myself well enough now to understand that this doesn’t mean I’m going to end it all. I don’t find myself thinking about ways to end it. But I do think about whether I’ll go to hell- or at least a kind of hell, where I’m stuck with low energy beings intent on harm. Will I be tortured by the fears and addiction I have in this life? Will I be judged to have totally failed in my life- with my life’s purpose? Am I on track with my life? How the hell do I get on track if I’m not already? What is the point of my life? These are the kind of thoughts I pretty much always ruminate over when I’m depressed, not purposefully though.
When you’re depressed you cannot see the good, can you? Only all the stuff you think you’ve failed at, all the stuff that hasn’t gone according to plan. My life has gone totally differently to how I ever thought it would. I think I’ve always thought that life just churns out in front of you- it rises up to meet you effortlessly. Now I realise you have to go out there with ideas, goals, dreams and ask for what you want. Part of the problem is I don’t know what I want- well I kind of do, but they’re all pretty general ideas, not specific.
I know I want to feel fulfilment from serving a purpose everyday. At the moment I’m totally stuck as to knowing what that purpose is.
I know I want to be happy and make other people happy.
I know I want to express myself creatively.
So why do I feel so stuck in doing these things? I can’t let go of the past and move on towards these dreams. I feel tethered to the past- to my actions and experiences and unforgiveness. Maybe FORGIVENESS is the key here- forgiving other people as well as myself.
Just been listening to Taylor Swift and a lyric popped out at me-
WHO YOU ARE IS NOT WHERE YOU’VE BEEN: YOU’RE STILL AN INNOCENT (Innocent from Speak Now).
I swear that girl is a genius- she inspires me so much. Four self-penned albums by the age of 23- incredible. She just churns songs out. I guess she has what I would really like- she lives just BEING herself. She is totally fearless and the world is her playground to have fun with. She knows exactly who she is and just wants to share her music.
I’m totally lost- I’ve lost myself and don’t know where to even begin living life as MYSELF. What is MYSELF?
Anyway, this is an example of the kind of stuff I obsess over when I’m depressed. It’s one of my signs that my mood’s dropped.
Photo credit: digitalart via freedigitalphotos.net