Depression- Clocks Going Back

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!

TRIGGER WARNING– Suicidal thoughts discussed.

Since Saturday (clocks went back an hour in UK) I’ve been totally pooped and sleeping about 14-16 hours a day! That’s a crazy amount of sleep. But since my mood has also been rubbish, I think sleeping has been a total relief! If you don’t have to get up in the morning for work, tiredness can have its benefits with depression!

I’m still tired, but my mood has definitely picked up today, which I’m putting down to taking Bach Flower Remedies: Mustard, Gorse, Sweet Chestnut and Cherry Plum for the last two days.

I’d been waking up not feeling myself at all. I was thinking about death all the time- that my life was totally pointless and I might as well be dead. I know myself well enough now to understand that this doesn’t mean I’m going to end it all. I don’t find myself thinking about ways to end it. But I do think about whether I’ll go to hell- or at least a kind of hell, where I’m stuck with low energy beings intent on harm. Will I be tortured by the fears and addiction I have in this life? Will I be judged to have totally failed in my life- with my life’s purpose? Am I on track with my life? How the hell do I get on track if I’m not already? What is the point of my life? These are the kind of thoughts I pretty much always ruminate over when I’m depressed, not purposefully though.

When you’re depressed you cannot see the good, can you? Only all the stuff you think you’ve failed at, all the stuff that hasn’t gone according to plan. My life has gone totally differently to how I ever thought it would. I think I’ve always thought that life just churns out in front of you- it rises up to meet you effortlessly. Now I realise you have to go out there with ideas, goals, dreams and ask for what you want. Part of the problem is I don’t know what I want- well I kind of do, but they’re all pretty general ideas, not specific.

I know I want to feel fulfilment from serving a purpose everyday. At the moment I’m totally stuck as to knowing what that purpose is.

I know I want to be happy and make other people happy.

I know I want to express myself creatively.

So why do I feel so stuck in doing these things? I can’t let go of the past and move on towards these dreams. I feel tethered to the past- to my actions and experiences and unforgiveness. Maybe FORGIVENESS is the key here- forgiving other people as well as myself.

Just been listening to Taylor Swift and a lyric popped out at me-

WHO YOU ARE IS NOT WHERE YOU’VE BEEN: YOU’RE STILL AN INNOCENT (Innocent from Speak Now).

I swear that girl is a genius- she inspires me so much. Four self-penned albums by the age of 23- incredible. She just churns songs out. I guess she has what I would really like- she lives just BEING herself. She is totally fearless and the world is her playground to have fun with. She knows exactly who she is and just wants to share her music.

I’m totally lost- I’ve lost myself and don’t know where to even begin living life as MYSELF. What is MYSELF?

Anyway, this is an example of the kind of stuff I obsess over when I’m depressed. It’s one of my signs that my mood’s dropped.

Photo credit: digitalart via freedigitalphotos.net

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11 thoughts on “Depression- Clocks Going Back

  1. lala1966

    it seems that this is the feeling of a lot of people. You are not alone in feeling this way. I have always felt that my life has a purpose and therefore I have (mostly) gone on living thinking that way. But I coudn’t begin to try to tell you what that purpose is. That part I haven’t found out completely. I just leave myself available to God for whatever He decides. But I my hope is that one day we will look back over our lives and whatever our purpose was will become more clearer. 😉

    Reply
  2. sakuraandme

    Sorry to hear things are getting to you! First, I understand the thoughts of death that plague your mind, when Depression sets in!
    Sometimes I feel my mind is almost daring me to do it! It takes all my will power to try see the selfishness in my thoughts..Because at the time I feel justified in my reasoning. So, what is our purpose? I’m not religious but spiritually I believe we all have one. Knowing what that is… I’m not really sure! *laughing* I suppose there’s this bigger picture we haven’t figured out yet!
    My life has been filled with incredible pain and joy. The people that harmed me will win, if I give up fighting! Our minds race then anxiety takes over and all reasoning fly’s out the window. Okay life’s not going the way you thought it would…but do you know what? something awesome could be waiting for you just around the corner! maybe not tomorrow but it will come!
    Try thinking good things about yourself..*hugs* Spiritually they say life is unfolding just as it should be! Hard to accept when life can be sooo damn cruel, I know!
    But if we believe in nothing..then what? My thoughts will be with you! Paula xxxxxxxxx

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thank you so much Paula! I like the thought that life is unfolding just as it should be- that’s comforting! I think I get impatient with myself and just want everything to be better now, to know what my purpose is now, to achieve it now!! 🙂 I’m learning to be kinder to myself and not expect so much. Thanks again xxx

      Reply
  3. sonamsangmu

    I hope your depression lifts soon. It’s good you’re able to recognize your moods and stuff so you can work on it. I feel the meaning of life is to love, both yourself and others, as well as be loved. It’s not to climb a mountain or run in a marathon or get a high paying job, it’s simply to come home to yourself. Know you are lovable and capable of loving others. But first you love yourself-then you have something to give to others. Life is very simple but as humans we complicate it. Take away the illusions and you’re left with what matters 🙂

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thank you for those very wise words! I’m learning to love and accept myself- I think I just want it all NOW as I said to Paula above!
      You’re right, we do complicate life- probably by comparing ourselves to others. Thanks again xxx

      Reply
  4. WeeGee

    Hey Rachel – I don’t comment much but I wanted to send a little hug and say ‘I get this’ – keep on keeping on. It passes eventually and it’s great when it does.

    Much love WeeGee xxx

    Reply
  5. Sandy Sue

    This all feels so very familiar—that nattering voice that says you’re not doing anything *right*, that jittery panic that says time is wasted, the *searching*. I’ve also come to understand that this is the illness talking, not me, not even reality. What I try to do when the depression gets so loud is flip the thoughts and feelings. So, if the illness is telling me I’ll go to a special Hell where I’ll be judged and tortured, I imagine going to a special Heaven where all my courage and efforts will be praised, love surrounds me and peace abides. If I think I’m wasting my life, I flip that to acknowledging all the ways I bring joy to others and and the effort I make each day. I remember that I am my first priority, and that being gentle and loving to myself is a huge task. If I long for a way to be useful and creative in the world, I come to my blog and write about what I know.
    The depression is still there, the awful thoughts still swirl and the horrid feelings still rise up. But, I just keep trying to remember a different reality and choose it.

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Brilliant- thanks for that!! I have actually been doing some of that today- turning the thinking around. I’ve been looking at past events I feel awful about and writing down what I’ve learnt from them. It’s made me realise I’m MUCH happier now than I was then and am probably way closer to loving myself!! I even felt waves of forgiveness and self-love this morning which is such a precious thing!! Thanks for sharing how you deal with negative thoughts, that’s very helpful. Hope you’re having a good day Sandy xxx

      Reply

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