From Over-Excitement to a Blubbering Wreck!

Last night I was at the cinema watching Breaking Dawn: Part Two. At some totally random point in the film I burst into tears and started having a proper cry. Thank fudge for the noise and the darkness or it would have been majorly embarrassing!

I don’t really know what set me off initially, but I started thinking about how I used to be- before my first major depression and the bipolar diagnosis and just ended up blubbing away. Think it was mainly when I started to think about how easily I used to be able to sit and draw for hours and be totally immersed in it. Now, this wonderful creative, flowy-feeling totally illudes me. I can’t sit down for 5 minutes without getting antsy and needing a distraction. I guess I was grieving for it a bit.

In true Bipolar form, this was a major difference to my over-excitement in the morning when I found out ex- Royal Ballet Ballerina, Darcey Bussell, is coming to Norwich to do a talk and book-signing. I’ve followed her career over the last 20 years and am so excited to be able to see her. I got a bit overwhelmed by the excitement. I did totally over-react!

I’m thinking this is a wake up call for me to find my balance again- maybe go back to basics with a schedule for meals/exercise/fresh air/leisure: get a bit of structure back in. Things have been a bit chaotic recently- more in terms of sleep, meals and too much internet!!

Would love to know:

1. If any other Bipolar readers get majorly excited about anything- so much so that it takes over you completely? I probably wont sleep the night before and after the event because I’ll be so excited. It’s uncomfortable and feels out of control- like I need to burst because there’s so much energy building up inside me. I’m like a little child at Christmas on speed! Is this a “Bipolar” thing?

2. Does anyone else struggle with something they used to be able to do, before Bipolar kicked in?

Photo Credit: Danilo Rizzuti vua freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

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13 thoughts on “From Over-Excitement to a Blubbering Wreck!

  1. Sandy Sue

    Oh, yes and yes!
    The excitement thing is so variable with me. It’s more an indication of my illness than about any connection to the event. When I’m cycling, any little thrill can launch me into outer space, but when I’m stable I can go to concerts, visit a friend out of town, etc. without feeling that panicky, obsessive elation. But, if I were coming to London to see Patrick Stewart at the Royal Shakespeare Theater, I’d have to seriously monitor my thinking. It would be so easy to just follow my thoughts of joy and excitement to a manic conclusion. That’s when I’d use self-observation to the max, try to catch the frantic thoughts and moderate them, do something physical to release the agitation.

    As for the other point, I used to drown in grief over the life I lost. The job, the husband, the home, the reading disability ECT left me with. The list is pretty long. It’s hard to let those things go. But, I try to take inventory of my skills and talents *now*, the loving people in my life *now*, all the blessings and abundance I have *now*. My life doesn’t look much like that old one, but it’s mine.

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Wow- the way you describe your hypomania really struck a chord with me. Sometimes it helps me to know that things really are a bit array at the moment and part of Bipolar- then I feel more positive about putting measures in place to reduce the effects. Aw- Patrick Stewart- he’s great. My boyfriend is a total Trekky so I get a lot of Patrick at home. He’s very likeable. Love him in X-Men too. It’s reassuring to know others with Bipolar get over-excited by this kind of thing too. I don’t feel so abnormal: strangely enough!
      Yes that’s exactly it- grieving for the “lost” life! I think I’ve been hanging onto the past for too long and you are so right- I need to focus on what I have NOW!! I think I’m really starting to- just over the last few days. I feel like I’m going through changes at the moment. Good ones!
      Thanks so much for the advice xxx

      Reply
  2. sakuraandme

    Hi Rachel! What goes up must come down! *hugs* Personally I think it’s a Bipolar thing. We used to hold Christmas party’s every year until my son turned 16. He’s now 20. I got so carried away with excitement that I wouldn’t sleep for weeks before hand. It took everything in me to not burst out crying from exhaustion! It started out costing $4000 by the time my son hit 16 it cost over $20,000. I was totally out of control like a kid…exactly what you said! I had fairies,musicians,Santa, (I brought presents for all the children) catering,wait staff,Fat Cat! prizes, the latest props that were in. Each year had a different theme. Seriously it was over the top and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. But when i finally stopped doing them,that’s when I realized how much pressure I had put on myself to do bigger and better!
    Now I light up our house at Christmas to help the child inside me not feel disappointed! *laughing* It’s like being really responsible to being really irresponsible! Rational to irrational!!! etc etc….. Paula xxxxx

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks for that- like I said to Sandy above, it is helpful to know it’s all part of Bipolar and that this is a sign to take things slower and more gently!!
      Your Christmas parties sound amazing. You could be a party planner!! Then you’d have other people’s money to spend!!
      Finding a compromise with your inner child sounds like a great idea. I love christmas so much. My favourite thing is a foot-high angel with feathered wings which beat gently and have fibre-optic lights which change colour. I could look at it for hours it’s so magical!!
      Hope things are good with you and thanks for sharing xxx

      Reply
      1. sakuraandme

        OMG! I’m sooo jealous! That sounds awesome.
        My mum told me I should be a party planner, as I organised her wedding a few years ago. So so funny about collecting other peoples money! It was unreal, but totally getting out of control. *laughing*
        I get bored really easily and distracted (another Bipolar trait) so I started renovating houses about 10 years ago. I’ve done 7 in 10 years. It’s helped the super fund and stopped me from going stir crazy! *laughing* just finished the last one 2 months ago.
        Hope you had a great weekend.
        BTW: thanks for letting me know about Face book. I’ve sorted it out now under Depression Exists. I’m so so so not good at Face book. Still learning!…….Paula x

  3. Vital Simplicity

    Hi Rachel. Your crying over the movie made me wonder what will come up for me when I see it. I have this way of looking to movie watching as opportunities to catch answers on life. To answer you question about things we used to do before but don’t do now, I really like that question. It also brings out the sadness in me. My “before” time goes all the way back to middle school, when we played outdoors and raced our bikes and played in the pool and went exploring in the woods and I was the arm-wrestling champion and we didn’t want the fun to ever end. We didn’t want the sun to go down because we didn’t want to stop playing and go indoors. I have often wondered what happened, where the shift came, where I left my ability to play. It’s as though one day it just got robbed, but I don’t know what day or what year. A few years ago I started really getting into card playing — rummy — and even started liking chess, but at the risk of sounding like a little kid, no one wants to play with me…. So over the years I have had my manic periods and my deep lows, but I’ve never recovered the ability to truly have fun. Being manic was like being really doped up on a lot of coffee and then it was eventually met with the followup down. … Your thing is drawing. Mine is dance. I teach it and choreograph for a living, but my actually settling myself down to work my choreography in these years is like pulling teeth. When I was younger, it was my greatest thrill and came so effortlessly. Hmmm. Thank you for encouraging thought in this area, Rachel. 🙂

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Me too!! I always find things out when I watch movies- about life in general. Now it’s a few days later, I think that film really helped me to move on from the past a bit. I felt like I healed quite a bit when I had that cry!
      I’d never thought about this grieving for the past as a loss in the ability to play- but I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’ve been ignoring my inner child who has been screaming out for me to do art again and I think this is the key for me!
      I’d play chess- I quite enjoy it!
      I love dance too. I did ballet, tap and modern into my teenage years. Then I started dancing in my living room at home. I didn’t like the girls in the class: it was very clique-y. So I’d put on all types of music and just dance along how I felt I wanted to. I don’t do it now though- the joy seems to be lost. I think in my mind I think it’s not “proper” for a 33- year old to be dancing round the living room for fun. You’ve got me thinking now too!
      Thanks for sharing all that. It’s amazing what you can get from a person’s comments!!

      Reply
      1. Vital Simplicity

        Sweetheart, I’m 48, so you’re doing just fine. It was wild that we got into this thing about play because I just came back from the weekend alone in the semi-tropics a few hours from here. It’s like my life is presently becoming a meditation on the issue of play. Probably as a result of this processing, I find myself coming to music easier and more fluidly now. I BETTER ’cause I’ve got 3 choreographed presentations to head up within the next 2 weeks. Living the dream — now it’s time to let my sense of peace and fun catch up. You sound really creative. I bet that very soon you’re going to break free and start really expressing like you want to.

  4. sakuraandme

    Hi Rachel,

    I have nominated you for Blog of the Year 2012!
    Please check my recent post for information.
    I appreciate if you don’t have time to continue it, but I wanted to recognise you. 🙂

    -Paula.
    xx

    Reply

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