Self-Forgiveness: A Work in Progress

ID-10036283Self-Judgement

This time last year I was despairing of ever being able to forgive myself for what I saw as a life tangled in a massive web of “mistakes”, “bad” decisions and “appalling” behaviour: all linked to Bipolar.

I felt trapped beneath a gigantic pile of rocks, each one representing some “awful” fault or personality deficit.

I was desperate to find forgivenesss for myself as well as some semblance of self-care and self-love.

I always thought that self-forgiveness would come in an instant- like lightening: an epiphany.

Now I realise it takes time and patience, as well as the consistent intention to heal, love and accept myself for who I am.

For the last 8 months I’ve been reflecting, meditating and journalling my way through my feelings and at last I am beginning to feel forgiveness for myself and such wonderful love.

Spiritual Development and Bringing in The Light.ID-10065098

Spiritual Development classes have been a life-saver. I’ve learnt that every single one of us is loved unconditionally by Spirit- and I have felt this love when “bringing in the light” during meditation.

This beautiful heart-warming feeling spreads through and around you. It is wonderfully healing.

You can feel this for yourself too:

– Just be still, breathe deeply. Feel your feet heavy on the ground.

– Feel your heart opening- like a beautiful pink rose bud coming into flower.

– Feel the divine, loving light building here. To me it feels unconditionally loving, warm and very safe.

– Allow the love and light to wash through your entire body, out into the space around you.

– Feel your feet on the floor again and the light spreading below them, into the ground.

Magic & Miracles.ID-10023748

Performing this exercise everyday has worked wonders for me. It’s amazing what inner wisdom you can tap into through this exercise too. Once your heart is open, you can receive divinely guided ideas which just pop into your head out of nowhere- it may just feel like normal thoughts or imagination, but it usually has a warm, loving feeling about it, or generates excitement and inspiration. If you listen to the guidance and follow it through, magic and miracles can occur!

Reframing Beliefs

Reframing my beliefs about past events has also helped enormously.

I’ve realised that eruptions of Bipolar symptoms are usually Spirit trying to tell me that something needs to change in my life or that I’m not listening, being still and following my inner guidance. Emotions are one of the ways we receive divine guidance. We are not here to suffer in this world. Spirit wants us to be happy, joyous and full of love for life. This is our natural state of being- our birthright.

By using Bipolar symptoms as a guide we can honestly follow our true path in life, which is the path to joy, fulfilment and abundance.

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For example:

One of my most traumatic Bipolar experiences was a few years ago. Basically I lashed out at a stranger after they insulted me. She called the police.

I was in a state of shock for months afterwards. I found it practically impossible to forgive myself for. I was forever talking to myself as if I were absolute scum. I thought I deserved to suffer. I gave up on myself and I genuinely believe my soul was as far out of my body as it could get! It didn’t want to be here anymore.

But over the last 8 months I’ve begun to see this event as a pivotal turning point in my life. I realised I was becoming a person I did not like- or even recognise. I wasn’t ME- I wasn’t expressing and living as my true self.

 

9496tn1l70tebfUnderstanding

It is much easier to begin the process of self-forgiveness once you can understand why events like this happened.

I attracted people into my life who abused me- because I was abusing myself! I was subconsciously sending out the message “use and abuse me- I deserve it”!

My thoughts about myself are changing all the time. I still have negative thoughts about myself, but I think I’m quicker to notice and change them. The positive thoughts are becoming the majority!

It really does take conscious, consistent effort, but it is not difficult. Just start with the intention to forgive and love yourself.

Summary

In order to develop self-love and self-forgiveness, I would recommend the following:

– Spiritual/Personal Development classes. (You do not have to be religious for this, or even necessarily believe in God).

– Meditation- bringing in the Divine Light of unconditional love.

– Thought awareness. Consciously choosing loving, positive thoughts about yourself.

– Look closely at events you find difficult to forgive yourself for: what was the message behind the event? What have you learnt from it?

Kindness, kindness and more kindness towards yourself!

– Remember that YOU are your number one priority in life- nobody else!

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Bach Flower Remedies that may aid Self-Forgiveness

Pine: easing feelings of guilt. Helps to see and accept past mistakes and let them go.

Willow: easing resentments. Helps to deliberately focus on the positive rather than the negative.

Chestnut Bud: helps to learn from past mistakes.

Rock Water: help to release unrealistically high expectations of self. Helps to find joy and inner peace.

Related Posts: You Are Amazing!; Self-Forgiveness; A Little More Self-Forgiveness; Bach Flower Remedies; Being Hard on Ourselves; Return of the Sneaky Bully Voice; A Letter to a Bully.

Photo Credits: freedigitalphotos.net.

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16 thoughts on “Self-Forgiveness: A Work in Progress

  1. Ady

    The writer ( Rachel) knows what she is talking about about through these writings as she has been through everyone of the emotions . To honor this writer and her experiences it would be nice to see her experiences in a hard back book version. Xx

    Reply
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  3. Summer Moon

    “I was becoming a person I did not like- or even recognise. I wasn’t ME…”

    Wow! This line right here sums up what I was seeing in myself before my diagnosis. I didn’t know why I was acting the way I was and I did not like it at all. It scared me and made me angry, confused and just outright sick with myself. I can just relate to this so much! I still have regrets about my behavior, attitude and so much more during those undiagnosed and unmedicated times. And, I still have some bad moments for sure, even with a diagnosis and meds. These bad times are something that has only contributed to how much I dislike myself inside and out. But, as always, you have made me really think.

    This is a wonderful post, Rachel. I found it so comforting to read and it really gives me hope that I can change my attitude toward myself. I struggle with self-hatred and low self-esteem so much and I need so badly to change that. It’s hard after years of feeling that way, but you always make me feel like I can actually do it, and this post just exemplifies that even more. You’re awesome, Rachel! I’m so glad that you blog and share this with the world. Thank you! It’s beyond helpful and truly comforting to more than just me, I know.

    Hugs to you!
    Summer

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Bless you Summer- what lovely things to say!! This makes me think you are a kind and generous person- two wonderful qualities to really cherish in yourself. The self-hatred you speak of can be absolutely soul-destroying, but you CAN learn to love yourself a little bit at a time. The Bach Flower Remedy Crab Apple is fantastic for overcoming self-hatred- also if you’ve had issues with abuse, eating disorders & OCD (which I seem to remember you have?). It has worked magic for me- give it time to work if you try it- a week or two.

      Remember you are absolutely loveable right now as you are, without changing or anything xxx

      Reply
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