Being Honest With Myself

The Law of Attraction

I haven’t been entirely honest with myself.

Sometimes I feel lost in trying to “be good”. I guess this stems from being brought up in religious family and in a Catholic school.

I try to be so positive. The law of attraction makes me scared to think negatively or feel negative feelings.

The law of attraction basically theorizes that we attract into our lives what we focus on. If we’re feeling happy and positive, we attract experiences which will make us feel more happiness and positivity. Obviously the reverse is true for negative thoughts and feelings- we’ll attract experiences which create more of the same.

I feel a lot of fear around this, which I know is going to attract more! But I’ve really been denying it and lying to myself- trying to make myself feel positive with sheer will-power. The trouble with this is I’m not really dealing with what’s truthfully going on for me and I am perhaps missing important messages in my feelings.

Negative Emotions as a Positive Experience

Emotions are ways in which we can guide ourselves in life. Just because we think something “negative” maybe it doesn’t have to be a “negative” thing.

Maybe it’s really a gift.

Maybe it’s a message to change something in life- like a thought pattern. Maybe I’m treating myself more harshly than I’ve realised by trying to be “good”.

I’ll never be able to change my thought patterns and beliefs if I suppress what I really feel.

I’m such a perfectionist sometimes and don’t like to admit my human-ness. Will God abandon me for feeling negative? I know He/She wont, but sometimes I return to my old, fearful view of God that I was brought up with.

Ultimately it is us ourselves who judge thoughts and emotions as negative experiences.

Screwed-up and Terrified

Anyway- the reality is: I feel scared of everything at the moment. I feel insecure, I feel devastatingly screwed up and inadequate, and generally terrified of life and other people’s judgements. Criticism and disapproval literally kill part of my soul- I just want to run away from them. Too much bullying in the past.

Now that I’ve admitted the truth maybe I can go about gently questioning my fears and building my confidence up again.

Fantasy World & Escapism

Does anyone else just zone out and live in a fantasy world? I escape reality in my mind, to a place I feel safe. It’s kind of a childlike fantasy world where everyone loves each other. I just want to feel safe and secure, not so bloody scared of everything.

Life really terrifies me.

And today, that’s my truth.

Angel Messages

Having just written this, the message I’m intuitively being given is to lighten up and stop taking myself so seriously.

I need to have fun and see the humour in situations, which will lighten the feeling.

Fun and laughter are my medicine and prescription from the angels!!

It is natural to slip back into old ways and old programming, even after we’ve begun to change our thinking habits and beliefs. I need to stop being so tough on myself!! I will get back on track again. They’re telling me to ride the wave and just go with- not to fight it!!

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15 thoughts on “Being Honest With Myself

  1. sakuraandme

    Hey Rachel! Don’t be hard on your self! We all take small steps back in life, as long as you can take the step forward again, when your ready… Your okay! I’m a hell daydreamer and love fantasy world. That’s what makes us different, not strange or crazy…just different. Being childlike isn’t a bad thing as long as your adult life doesn’t suffer as a result of it! Smile Rachel because all will be well again!! Hugs Paula xxx

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks so much Paula- you have put a smile on my face!! I do think that sometimes my fantasy world does interfere with my adult life as I find reality scary and tend to withdraw and avoid uncomfortable scenarios. Small steps I guess. Thanks for the smile. Hugs back xxx

      Reply
  2. writerlauren

    Hello, thank you for sharing this really honest post. There is something that is more important than ‘being positive’ and that is accepting yourself exactly as you are. When you accept yourself, good days, bad days, ups downs, tantrums and all, you no longer need to feel like you are doing battle to be positive. No one can sustain being positive all the time, and if you feel like you’re faking it then it’s not really positivity at all. The irony is that as soon as you can accept yourself and say ‘I am a person who feels like crap some days, and who feels good on other days.’ And you can be cool with that instead of fighting it, you will tend to feel more positive simply because you’ve stopped struggling. You are perfect exactly as you are, you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, and you’re learning about life in all the right ways. If you can really meditate on that and learn to love and accept your ups and downs, you won’t need to feel guilty about positivity anymore. You’ll just be you and you’ll be rockin’ it! Good luck! xxx

    Reply
  3. Jane

    Wow, I know exactly what you mean. I also try to force the positive thoughts at times, even though inside I feel anxiety and panic, which kind of cancels out the positive thoughts! Then when I feel myself feeling negative, or fearful I think, “oh boy here we go, more doom and gloom!” It’s so hard. I found that if I really just kind of let go, and put trust in God to lead me on the right path, then I calm down a bit, because I don’t have all the pressure on me then. Loved this post, I could really, really relate!

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Hi Jane, thank you so much for your positive feedback, I think you’re right- I need to just trust and have more faith in God/the universe and just let go of the worries. Always lovely to hear from someone who can relate. Thank you xxx

      Reply
  4. Sandy Sue

    I’ve been sort of waiting for this. Spiritual work can’t be about denying the realities of the illness. The mood swings we go through are biochemical and largely outside our influence. We must all do our work to clear our damaged personalities and make peace with our history, but the Work is to See our thoughts and feelings without judgment and develop compassion for ourselves. It’s really easy to fall into delusion while doing spiritual work–believe me, I’ve been there many times. It’s much more helpful, for me, to be as clear as I can.

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Hi Sandy Sue,

      I’m pretty sure I wasn’t delusional!! I’ve just been a bit obsessed with trying to be “good” as I see it LOL! Now I can see that “goodness” can come in learning to admit and love the “bad” stuff too. Labelling it good and bad probably isn’t that productive either!! I’m pretty sure this has been an excellent example of black and white thinking. 🙂

      Rachel

      Reply
  5. mentalhealthtalk

    Hi Rachel. I agree with you that we are the ones that label emotions as negative/positive and therefore, that’s the vibe we give out. So sometimes we vibrate at a higher level and sometimes we vibrate at a lower level. I think the big picture is what matters and where we consistently vibrate.

    Kudos to you for recognizing what you were trying to do via willpower and practicing acceptance towards all your emotions. In my experience this is key to allowing them to pass (versus suppression) and my perspective on this re the law of attraction is that even though you may feel a lower vibrating emotion, practicing acceptance of that emotion and self-compassion will raise your vibration. Also gratitude that you can feel at all raises your vibration in my experience — I am deeply grateful to be able to feel because there was a time when I didn’t feel anything. I now think feeling and emotions are part of our physical existence and I want to experience life and my humanity to the fullest, including all the messiness that comes along with that. So I am grateful for my life and all it’s stuff.

    Rachel I know you are exploring your spirituality and forming new believes and I think that’s really wonderful and so important to an HSP. If I may, I wish to share a bit of my experience on this… there was a time when I gave up my spiritual practices and beliefs because I believed it was the catalyst to my mental illness. To this day, I still have not resumed my pursuit of my spirituality in the same way. But I realized the other day that I am more spiritual now than I was when I was pursuing spirituality. I believe this to be true because not only do I honour my time here on earth by practicing acceptance and expression of who I am, I practice compassion and loving-kindness towards humanity. One love. One race. And as much as I can be, I am present to it all. This to me is very spiritual beliefs and practices.

    Please don’t get me wrong… I screw up all the time at this and it is really hard at times, and scary (especially true self-expression), and I am further from perfect than I have ever tried to be in my life! And that’s totally okay! I have accepted this is a life-long practice.

    As I result, I feel my insight and communication with my intuition (which I recognize as god-speak) is clearer than ever. I place much more value on it now and it is grounded in the divinity that exists within me and my life.

    Okay, I am rambling on and on…

    What I want to say most to you Rachel is that you are enough just the way you are.

    Much love to you my friend.
    Trish

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Maybe I have been spending too much of my time on spirituality, rather than with more grounding activities.

      I agree with your ideas about spirituality too.

      I’m not sure I entirely understand what you are saying to me, but thanks for saying this- that “I’m enough just the way I am”. Means a lot.

      Rachel
      xxx

      Reply
      1. mentalhealthtalk

        I’m sorry Rachel — I was on a roll with the whole love and self-acceptance thing and I had the urge to tell you you are enough. I just tell people that every once in awhile.

        I also get really excited to comment about this stuff because I have no other outlet to talk about it at the moment… this causes me to go on about my own experiences… :S

        A major point that I did not mention about my old spiritual practices and that I did them out of fear and not love. Funnily enough, fear that I was not enough. They did not feel good to me at all. I felt disconnected from a divine entity I imagined was outside of me and thought I would be worthy of connection if I were more spiritual. I became very ungrounded.

        For me, I need to be grounded in my spirituality but I did not mean to imply you need to be too.

      2. rachelmiller1511 Post author

        No need to apologise- I love being able to chat to you about the spiritual side of things too. I can understand how you could approach spirituality from a place of fear- I think that’s probably what I did in my childhood. In fact, it might have been recently that my old childhood beliefs about God have been creeping back in.

        Love to you Trish xxx

  6. Pingback: Are Negative Emotions “Unspiritual”? | Bipolar Lessons

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