The Worst Days

***** TRIGGER WARNING***** (Self-harm).

Today has been the worst day I’ve had in about 10 months.

It’s 7.30pm and I’m finally out of bed and showered.

I slept all day.

I didn’t want to get up.

I thought about self-harming a lot. (But didn’t).

I felt huge surges of aggression towards myself.

I know I’m turning a whole load of anger in on myself.

I got angry at the weekend but didn’t express it- this is what happens when you don’t deal with it when it comes up.

I feel like I’m rejecting this part of myself. I find it so hard to love and accept.

I’m feeling a little better tonight, but my movements and thinking have gone slow again.

I’ll feel better tomorrow.
I’ll feel better tomorrow.
I’ll feel better tomorrow.

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19 thoughts on “The Worst Days

  1. Hello from me to you

    You are one of the strongest person’s I know. You give me inspiration and the belief to keep going. I need to return the favour. Finding words to help when people feel down is hard. all I can do is send hugs and hope you’re ok. Love you loads. xxx

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Love you too Miss Carr- thanks for saying I’m strong, that means a lot. You’re strong too- you’ll realise just how strong when things get better & better for you!! Feeling better today. Love & hugs back xxx

      Reply
  2. Mountain Missy

    RACHEL!!! You are a strong, brave, fearless women and you can overcome this! This too shall pass…remember that because I’m sure your depression is being a stupid liar! I applaud you for controlling the need to self-harm. Please don’t do that. We love you. There are so many of us that love and appreciate you and your talents, don’t ever forget that! One day at a time, sweetie. I’m always here if you need to vent. ALWAYS! Message me on fb anytime! xxoo ❤ you!

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks Melissa- I’m feeling better today :). I am strong, brave & fearless (well- almost)- thanks for reminding me!! I didn’t know you cared so much- thank you loads xxoo. I’m so glad to see you’re blogging again- I’ve missed the tarantula & scorpion stories & hearing about your boys.
      Thanks for caring 😀 ❤ xx

      Reply
      1. Mountain Missy

        of course I care!! You’re my blogging buddy, my tribe 🙂

        So glad you are feeling better. Sending lots of love and light your way, my dear.

  3. sakuraandme

    Hey Rachel! I feel terrible that you’ve had these thoughts once again. I too am in a not so great place right now. My wanting a divorce etc. But fight the urges Rach! Remember it’s a mood thing and it will pass. finding something anything to distract your mind. Life can be beautiful and cruel, but there’s a bigger picture for all of us and trust in that! Your beautiful and doing all the things in life that your mean’t to be. They may not all be good but they are your path and your path alone. Believe in your own self worth Rachel. You have come along way since I started following you, don’t give in to old habbits. I know it’s not easy, but fight the thoughts with positive
    affirmations. I’m thinking of you and hugging you right now. I surround you in light and love! Hugs Paula xxxx

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks so much for the love & light- I think it worked!! I am feeling better today and am being kinder to myself. You were right- I was giving in to old habits, but I’m rising above them now with lots of support from all you guys- so thanks a million.
      I send you love & light back, that you’ll feel better soon and find your way through your challenges quickly.
      Just want to say, whenever I see a koala on TV or a photo of one I associate it with you now- because of your Gravatar image!!
      You’ve been lovely support Paula- thank you xxx

      Reply
      1. sakuraandme

        You too, Rachel! I’m glad your feeling better. We both need to keep positive, being negative is too easy for our personalities. I hug you right back. Paula xxx

  4. Sandy Sue

    So glad to hear through the comments that today is better.
    You did everything right–kept yourself safe, avoided listening to the distorted thoughts, worked it through.
    No matter how much awareness and Work we do, the episodes will return–it’s just the illness, not a reflection on your worth as a human being, the level of your commitment, or the amount of healing already attained. It’s the nature of the illness–that’s all.

    Reply
  5. Follow Me Films

    You will feel better tomorrow!!! I had a similar day-for the first time in a while. This too shall pass..maybe we needed it! I find accepting it and signing off for the day and letting it be until tomorrow often does the trick. When I wake up tomorrow I will invest in making it a good day for us both!! Thanks for sharing. Melody

    Reply

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