Christmas Day 2013
I’d love to say that I’ve had a fantastic Christmas Day, but hey, this is real life and God has decided I’m working on personal development today. Right now I feel bitter about this, but I know tomorrow I’ll probably laugh about it.
Today one of my karmic patterns has hit me smack in the face and many of my insecurities, that I thought were behind me, have resurfaced for more healing work.
People Pleasing & Emotional Attachment
I know I’ve grown up looking for love outside of myself.
As a tiny child who depends on her parents to meet every single need, a lack of love leaves you stuck all alone on a rocky planet devoid of life. You have been abandoned emotionally. This emptiness eventually seeps inside your soul, clawing at you, creating pain wherever you go.
Anything which remotely feels like love, or calms and soothes you from this pain, feels absolutely heavenly. Of course you don’t want to let go of this “thing” be it a kind, loving person, food, or any self-soothing activity, be it healthy or unhealthy. We become attached. We need this “thing” in our lives. As the attachment develops we spend more and more time thinking about it, pining for it, controlling circumstances to acquire it, etc.
My attachment has been the need for approval from other people. I need to please people. I hate confrontation and criticism. I feel completely invalid as a person if I am criticised.
My Mum was a very anxious parent, my Dad extremely depressed and distant. Both were too traumatised by past events and relationships to really become loving, skilled, secure parents. I never felt good enough. I never felt loved. I was terrified of abandonment. So I did everything in my power to win their love and approval. If I was okay in their eyes then they were less likely to leave me. I was very little when these patterns began, 5 or 6 years old maybe.
Any anger, harsh words or criticism from your parents towards you as a child, can only be interpreted at this young age as proof that you are shameful and bad. There is no way that your perfect, god-like parents can be in the wrong. This internalised shame can stay with us through to adulthood, as mine does now.
In order to avoid criticism or any trigger that brings unhealed shame to burst through into
our consciousness, we people-please.
The people-pleasing takes over every relationship in our lives, from friendships, romantic relationships to relationships with colleagues and authority figures.
We give other people the power to make us feel good when they approve of us, or bad and shameful if they disapprove.
How Do We Claim Back Our Power?
This is the question I am presented with today.
We need to focus all our love, energy, positivity, care and attention on ourselves.
We need to remember that we are powerful, that we are gifted, that we are worthy of love, success, positive relationships, joy and abundance. We are worthy of developing our gifts and talents. It doesn’t matter if anybody disapproves of our pursuit of becoming an artist. We are worthy of realising our dreams. We are worthy of putting ourselves first in all things. We are beautiful beings, each of us has a divine spark inside us, lighting our path. Follow your joys and passions. Do not let attachments distract you from yourself and your love for yourself. You are the most important person in your world. Find that love and compassion in your heart for yourself.
Allow yourself to be yourself.
Others’ opinions of you do not matter one tiny bit.
When we attach to others’ approval it serves only to pull us away from our divine life purpose. We become a slave to others. We lose ourselves. We forget what we love, because we are trying so hard to love something else that isn’t “us”, just to win the prize of approval.
Come back to yourself. Remember who you are. Remember what you love and what fills your life with joy. Follow this joy, give your time and energy to your passions and to yourself, not to other people’s ideas of who you should be. Let not your focus be distracted by the opinions of others.
You know what is best for you. Trust yourself. Love yourself.
Find moments to be still and listen to your heart, to reconnect with your soul and to remember to BE YOU JOYFULLY. Forgive yourself for going off path. Be compassionate with yourself. Nurture and support yourself. Love yourself.
In loving yourself you light the way for others to find the love & light within their own hearts.
Peace be with you friends.