People-Pleasing

Christmas Day 2013

I’d love to say that I’ve had a fantastic Christmas Day, but hey, this is real life and God has decided I’m working on personal development today. Right now I feel bitter about this, but I know tomorrow I’ll probably laugh about it.

Today one of my karmic patterns has hit me smack in the face and many of my insecurities, that I thought were behind me, have resurfaced for more healing work.

People Pleasing & Emotional Attachment

I know I’ve grown up looking for love outside of myself.

As a tiny child who depends on her parents to meet every single need, a lack of love leaves you stuck all alone on a rocky planet devoid of life. You have been abandoned emotionally. This emptiness eventually seeps inside your soul, clawing at you, creating pain wherever you go.

Anything which remotely feels like love, or calms and soothes you from this pain, feels absolutely heavenly. Of course you don’t want to let go of this “thing” be it a kind, loving person, food, or any self-soothing activity, be it healthy or unhealthy. We become attached. We need this “thing” in our lives. As the attachment develops we spend more and more time thinking about it, pining for it, controlling circumstances to acquire it, etc.

My attachment has been the need for approval from other people. I need to please people. I hate confrontation and criticism. I feel completely invalid as a person if I am criticised.

My Mum was a very anxious parent, my Dad extremely depressed and distant. Both were too traumatised by past events and relationships to really become loving, skilled, secure parents. I never felt good enough. I never felt loved. I was terrified of abandonment. So I did everything in my power to win their love and approval. If I was okay in their eyes then they were less likely to leave me. I was very little when these patterns began, 5 or 6 years old maybe.

Any anger, harsh words or criticism from your parents towards you as a child, can only be interpreted at this young age as proof that you are shameful and bad. There is no way that your perfect, god-like parents can be in the wrong. This internalised shame can stay with us through to adulthood, as mine does now.

In order to avoid criticism or any trigger that brings unhealed shame to burst through into

our consciousness, we people-please.

The people-pleasing takes over every relationship in our lives, from friendships, romantic relationships to relationships with colleagues and authority figures.

We give other people the power to make us feel good when they approve of us, or bad and shameful if they disapprove.

How Do We Claim Back Our Power?

This is the question I am presented with today.

The answer?

We need to focus all our love, energy, positivity, care and attention on ourselves.

We need to remember that we are powerful, that we are gifted, that we are worthy of love, success, positive relationships, joy and abundance. We are worthy of developing our gifts and talents. It doesn’t matter if anybody disapproves of our pursuit of becoming an artist. We are worthy of realising our dreams. We are worthy of putting ourselves first in all things. We are beautiful beings, each of us has a divine spark inside us, lighting our path. Follow your joys and passions. Do not let attachments distract you from yourself and your love for yourself. You are the most important person in your world. Find that love and compassion in your heart for yourself.

Allow yourself to be yourself.

Others’ opinions of you do not matter one tiny bit.

When we attach to others’ approval it serves only to pull us away from our divine life purpose. We become a slave to others. We lose ourselves. We forget what we love, because we are trying so hard to love something else that isn’t “us”, just to win the prize of approval.

Come back to yourself. Remember who you are. Remember what you love and what fills your life with joy. Follow this joy, give your time and energy to your passions and to yourself, not to other people’s ideas of who you should be. Let not your focus be distracted by the opinions of others.

You know what is best for you. Trust yourself. Love yourself.

Find moments to be still and listen to your heart, to reconnect with your soul and to remember to BE YOU JOYFULLY. Forgive yourself for going off path. Be compassionate with yourself. Nurture and support yourself. Love yourself.

In loving yourself you light the way for others to find the love & light within their own hearts.

Peace be with you friends.

 

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9 thoughts on “People-Pleasing

  1. Trish

    Such an important topic as I think we all struggle with people-pleasing… perhaps women and HSPs more so. The feelings you have re your childhood, wanting your parents to like you to be okay, and avoiding confrontation… it’s like you were writing my story! This has been a very “in your face” trauma for me lately too… though I define trauma as an event or experience that leads you to believe your true being is wrong and changes your view of yourself and your place in the world.

    My soul has guided me to work with my inner child more. For me, this involves focusing on my mind’s-eye and asking to be taken to the energy conscious hologram that is connected to the first experience where I learned that I needed to please my parents to earn their love (for example). This energy personifies as a child-self in a particular setting usually with my parents/other people and though it may not resonate as a true memory, I do believe the mind will show me what I need to heal the psyche. I interact with this child-self… what is she feeling? what did she learn from life from this experience? what does she need to feel safe/loved/etc.? I use EFT and Matrix Reimprinting to alter the charge around the event and to give the child-self what she needs.

    And I shift. So when I tell myself to just ‘be’ it is easier and I feel deserving to be loved and accepted for who I am. Of course that starts with me loving and accepting me and I have faith the more I am truly expressed, the more people will show up in my life that love and accept me for it. I can no longer accept anything less because I do believe that being authentic to who you are is not only our greatest purpose but our greatest challenge (and a lifelong practice). Especially, because as you mentioned, we have had lifetimes to reinforce the negative beliefs we have toward ourselves that come from trauma (probably with lots of re-dos across these lifetimes).

    But this is the inner work I so love to explore and practice. I am relaying this experience to you because I think you are a fellow explorer and I thank you for sharing your experience.

    Much love to you Rachel.

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Thanks so much for this contribution Trish- lovely to hear from you. I think we are on similar journeys!!

      I have just been attuned to Reiki and am using this in a similar way to heal my inner child and traumas from my past too. I like your definition of a trauma- I can relate to that!

      I love all this inner work too- it’s so interesting!

      I hope you have a very happy 2014!

      Love & hugs,

      Rachel xxx

      Reply
  2. Sue Little

    Oh my days…i am crying as i read this because i totally get it and its exactly me and where i am right now.thanks Rachel. X

    Reply
  3. Roxana

    Hi Rachel, I am so thankful to have found your blog. And really appreciate the helpful videos you shared. This is exactly who I am as well. I am just beginning to consciously realize everything and create my life the way it is meant to be.

    However, it is very tough to make progress when stuck in a bad situation or environment such as a poor job or household, both of which I have experienced. Growing up in a very dysfunctional family, I never had autonomy or the love I deserved. But I understand that my divine purpose was to grow through such an experience. I finally overcame the household, though it was a painful and scary process, and now I am leaving a negative work environment after two years.

    I have blamed myself for making so many mistakes as well as blaming others. However I’m ready to be compassionate and love myself more day by day and take steps to realize the visions of a joyful life that I’ve always had in my imagination. I do notice I still have old unhealthy patterns such as people-pleasing and approval-seeking and fear of being assertive that have held me back tremendously. As well as a lot of fear and anxiety, and I’ve been living abroad in a culture that tends to be repressive, conformist, and strict on my own for the past several years, it’s been a challenge.

    I hope I can find people like you near me who are making so much progress on their own journey to completion. My new job and location seem very promising and provided with loving, authentic people, and a better living situation, so I am very hopeful and optimistic. I still struggle with acute awareness about my health, because I suppose I’ve not been able to stay focused on positive, productive things rather than my own ever-changing condition.

    I’m so happy for you and I wish you every success. Lots of love and warmth from here ❤

    Reply
    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Hi Roxana- thank you for your very kind words! It sounds like you are on a similar life path to me and I wish you every success! Look to all the positive- all the time!! Best wishes, Rachel xxx

      Reply
  4. Pingback: Highly Intuitive People | Emotional Wellness

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