I was at my job in a fashion retail store when I realised I had absolutely no energy. I’d noticed I’d been tired recently, but this was something else. I could hardly walk, or only extremely slowly, and the thought of having to stand up for even the next ten minutes caused me to panic. Needless to say I went home sick and I haven’t been back since.
(I had experienced this kind of tiredness as part of depression before: a symptom known as psychomotor retardation.)
The last six weeks have been their own journey. I was relieved to have been given the time off work to rest, but was immediately faced with a strong sense of failure and frustration. Why couldn’t I work for more than a few months at a time? I was also panicking about money.
My energy levels still haven’t improved- a cause of further frustration, as I have been resting and sleeping lots.
But it wasn’t until last Saturday that things began to change.
Last Friday night I contemplated visiting a twice-yearly Mind Body Soul fair held at a school on the other side of the city. I knew it possibly wasn’t sensible due to my depleted energy levels, but I love these fairs and am intrigued by the many different therapies on offer there and the stands selling spiritual books and crystals. I listened to my intuition which was nudging me to go.
So after a complicated and exhausting journey to the school, I turned up at the fair and immediately booked in for 30 minutes of Reiki and Crystal Healing with Kerry Kwiatkowska. She had a colourful marquee set up in the large school hall to create a more private environment whilst having the treatment, which was a strong attraction.
Reiki & Crystal Healing
Reiki involves lying on a massage table fully clothed with a blanket covering you. The healer connects internally with universal healing energy and acts as a channel- focusing the healing energy on the seven main chakras.
She began by taking me through a gentle meditation to help me relax and allow my focus to return to myself rather than be distracted by the bustling hall outside the marquee.
As the healing energy was channelled, I felt a strong heat coming from her hands and also an intense sensation of the energy throughout my whole body being pulled downwards towards my feet. I had been so ungrounded and hadn’t even noticed! It was as if the healing were pulling my dislocated soul back into my body.
After 30 minutes I felt blissed out and totally relaxed!
As I lay back on the massage table Dee tested various points on my body with a pendulum and performed a simple kinesiology test. She received intuitive information about an area of my life which was out of alignment and needed healing in order to bring my physical and emotional bodies back into health.
She focused in on 14 years ago, when I was 20- the year I took an overdose. She asked me to tell her a little bit about it, which was difficult to tap into such a painful time, but I was willing to try anything to work towards healing! I had been depressed for about a year at that time and told her that I’d woken up that day not feeling at all myself. I felt as if something else had taken over my body and willed me to take the overdose. It was a very impulsive and violent act against myself and connection with the despair and self-hatred I felt at that point took a lot of mental strength.
This was the first time I’d said out loud to anybody that I felt I had experienced some kind of possession by a dark and sinister entity.
Dee then asked me to revisit the time in my mind again, but this time to call on God for protection. I needed to really feel His protection and strength, which was difficult at first, but given a few minutes of focused concentration I felt as if a strong protective golden light was shining out from my heart. It grew in size and strength and the feeling of protection was intense. For some reason the image and voice of Aslan from the Narnia films popped into my head and I realised this was helping me to have a focused vision and feeling of God’s energy through a familiar character.
Dee was all the time dowsing at this point- amplifying and sealing in the positive, protective energy I was experiencing.
As I walked away from the therapy I felt stronger and more protected. It also brought up some fears I had held unconsciously about dark, sinister entities. Every time I felt this fear creep in, I imagined the strong, golden, Aslan- energy around me, and an intense booming voice commanding any dark entities to leave.
I never realised how fearful I had been of dark psychic energies. I knew supernatural horror films scared me senseless and had caused nightmares in the past, but I thought this to be true of most people. I really feel so much safer than I did.
During the therapies I received a clear intuitive message- that I am worthy to receive God’s love, abundance, grace and blessings. I consciously opened up my heart to allow God’s light inside me and to flow through my body.
Yesterday was the first day I felt able to ask for help. I rang my spiritual development teacher, Dawn, who helped me to understand the lessons I’m currently learning and what had caused my depression.
I had been giving 100% of my focus and energy to my new job in retail and had become materialistic, causing me to veer away from my life purpose again- I’ve done this quite a lot!
In the last 3 years I had found love for myself through focusing on spiritual and personal development, healing, writing, art and music. But since working again I had replaced this with my ego’s desires for money and beautiful things. I was spending no time at all on my spiritual growth.
I’d cut off the energy from God/spirit- mistakenly thinking I could do it all myself and wanting to have complete control over my life.
Dawn also reminded me of the power of gratitude in raising my vibration again. So every spare moment I’ve been thinking about something that has made me really happy in the past, in this case, singing in a great choir with a fantastic group of friends. Once I had this is my mind, I focused my attention on my heart and nurturing a feeling of love and genuine gratitude for the experience and the people. This has the effect of raising mood and attracting other experiences which have the same energetic vibration.
I’ve done this exercise with small things throughout the day too and have definitely felt brighter and more positive for it!
When you’re deeply depressed I think it’s easy to feel great resistance to thinking of something that makes you happy. It’s almost as if the ego doesn’t want to let this positivity in, as it would prove the ego wrong: “I’m so depressed”, “my whole life is a disaster”! The ego hates to be wrong so will be resistant to anything that challenges it!
I think you have to have the intention to allow love, positivity and gratitude in. Even if it doesn’t come straight away- keep thinking about letting it in at various points throughout the day. Allowing yourself to feel gratitude and positivity will follow.
I think we also have to let go of our innate human need to be in control. If we’re allowing Divine love into our lives and surrendering to God, we are NOT in control, and have to trust and have faith in God.
Not beating yourself up if you are finding this process difficult is also extremely important. I’ve had to gently remind myself this a few times!
Just accept each moment of life for what it is right now. It is exactly how it is supposed to be. However you are feeling is okay and safe to feel.
We are all worthy of love, joy, health, abundance and great blessings!!! ALL of us!!!! There is plenty for everyone!!!!!
This depression has been about getting me back on track to work on my life purpose. I went off path in a belief that the job in retail was my only hope of paying my bills and that to keep the job, I had to give everything 100%- all my energy and focus.
But I am so grateful to Dawn for confirming what I already knew deep down, and to God for setting me straight again.
My energy levels haven’t yet returned to normal, but my mood is much brighter and more positive and I know I’ll be back to normal functioning soon!! . Now I need to rest and return to meditation, spiritual development and writing, before progressing to study different healing modalities to help others like me!!