Sometimes I just want to scream!!!! Doesn’t everyone at some point?
I feel like such a rubbish human being sometimes.
I’ve been through CBT, Mindfulness Therapy, counselling and have been working on personal and spiritual development with my teacher Dawn for a good 4 years now. I feel like I’ve done so much work on trying to improve myself and my life, so why isn’t my life perfect? Lol!!! I think I might be expecting a little bit much of myself!
I feel like I know what I should be doing to improve things for myself: walking in nature, meditation, eating healthily, journalling, talking to friends, going to choir, playing the piano, drawing. So why don’t I do any of it?!!!
Angry & Annoyed!
I get annoyed with myself when I get bored. I’m not working at the moment, so I beat myself up about that. I’m living off benefits.
I find regular jobs so tough to hold down- I end up depressed and anxious. All I can do is sleep in between part time shifts. I get so exhausted that I can barely walk- I’ve always seen this as psychomotor retardation, my thoughts become very slow too, I can’t look people in the eye, I become a shell of a person.
Right now, I know I’m going through feeling like a victim and I know I’m not really. But I think I just have to get these thoughts written out.
Even though regular jobs don’t work for me, I still fight with myself: “why aren’t you working? You should be working, you’re so lazy.”
And I know these thoughts aren’t productive!
I know how to change my thoughts. I know how to look for the things I’m grateful for in my life. I know how to foster and nurture this emotion to bring back the loving, joyful, abundant state of mind. So why do I feel so rubbish right now?!! Knowing and doing are two different things! Lol.
But maybe I feel the need to wallow for a few hours. Maybe wallowing and allowing these feelings, of “life’s not fair” and anger with myself, just to be in existence for a little while will help to process them.
I think I deny the darker feelings as much as I possibly can sometimes. My mind chews over and over- “I shouldn’t be thinking these things, I must get rid of them quickly”. When really I need to allow them to be.
So this is what I’m doing right now: allowing my thoughts and feelings to be.
Where did my peace go?!
Last Friday I had two teeth taken out. The injections were a lot more painful than I remember in the past. The needle went very deep into my jaw. I wasn’t prepared for the pain. Now one wound is infected and another tooth has been aching and I’ve had a temporary filling put in. The extraction seems to be causing me to clench my jaw and I’m having facial, head and neck pain due to this. I guess that’s going to make me feel a bit fed up!
I feel angry with myself for letting it get to me and angry with life, I guess, for not letting my inner peace last.
The challenge I’m learning is to keep the inner peace and love, return to the state, even when I’m feeling out of sorts, even when life is throwing me curve balls. To return to the love and peace in my heart. I know it’s there. I know writing like this helps to get my irritation and frustration out, to a place where I feel less overwhelmed and can get more perspective.