Yesterday I went to a Mind, Body, Spirit Fair at a school near me. I really enjoy these events which are packed with complementary therapists offering taster treatments, such as massages, craniosacral therapy, shiatsu and reiki healing. There are psychic readers and mediums, and stalls selling crystals, books, jewellery, essential oils, incense and gifts.
Throughout the day workshops take place and I went to one by a wonderful psychic artist called Marilyn.
She spoke of her spiritual journey and how she’d learnt to be so much more loving and kind to herself, both physically and emotionally. She realised that when she suppressed the true desires of her heart that this frequently led to some kind of illness, like depression.
Working in jobs that did not fulfil her soul and true calling were self-destructive.
This led her to invest more time and energy in her natural sensitivity to the spirit world and to her love of colour and creativity, resulting in a fulfilling career as a psychic artist.
She also demonstrated how much she trusts her intuition whilst creating a portrait of a spirit guide for a workshop participant.
Her process involves connecting with Spirit, then allowing her hand to squiggle pastel all over the paper in one colour. From this she sees forms and figures emerging, and a face taking shape.
She was given various bits of information as she completed the portrait with different colours, information about the person it was for and messages they needed to know.
The recipient of the portrait was able to accept all the information given as completely relevant to her, and was grateful for the messages that came through.
It was a wonderful example of trust in intuition and the artist following her heart.
Intuition or Hypomania?
Following your heart is something that I really believe in, but something I also struggle with.
Due to my past experiences, and consequences of decisions I’ve made where I’ve truly believed that I was following my intuition, I don’t fully trust myself.
For example, I felt really excited when I got a job as a teaching assistant. I’d always felt called to work with children and was looking forward to feeling fulfilled in this way. I would definitely say I was hypomanic at this time and I was soon imagining the way I would completely change the entire teaching system in the country! I felt so amazingly confident in my abilities and that nothing could go wrong. This completely felt like the right thing to be doing!
Within a couple of months of working at the school I crashed into total exhaustion and panic attacks. I couldn’t talk to people without panicking, and had to give up the job. It took probably a year to completely recover. My confidence was completely shattered.
So, yes, I find my intuition difficult to trust, and question whether my decisions are coming from a hypomanic- type state.
I have had some success with following my heart too, and it is important to remember this.
I have followed my instinct to walk in nature, which has often led to inspiration to…
….write! I’ve followed this inner nudging which has resulted in this blog, which I see as successful.
The writing has also acted as a kind of therapy for me, helped me to get more in touch with my emotions and to help me feel that I am contributing something worthwhile to the universe.
I also joined a choir, as I love to sing! This has led to involvement with other choirs, one which I particularly love, to wonderful new friends, to participating in events all over the country, and even to my amazing boyfriend with whom I have found so much joy!
Moving Forward Into Love
Instead of worrying so much about what I want to do with my life, sometimes it is just about surrendering to a moment where I feel “that I’d really like to walk out of the house this evening and join this choir!”
Then I can let go and let nature take its course.
I didn’t join with the intention of making wonderful friends, travelling over the country to participate in amazing events, or even meeting such a fantastic boyfriend. I joined because at that moment I wanted to sing! I remembered how much I love to sing!
I didn’t overcomplicate the matter. I moved into love.
The Rules We Make
One of my other heart’s desires is to create more artwork. However I find it very difficult to sit down and draw something. I feel very resistant to it.
So is it that I don’t really want to create art? Or do I need to create in a new way, and change my beliefs and perspective about my intention?
I think I put way too much pressure on myself, and give myself unhelpful rules!!
“I’ll allow myself to create art if it is possible to make money from it, otherwise there is no point”.
“Art isn’t a serious career”.
“Art is folly”.
“What I create must be realistic and from a photo reference”.
“I must stick to what I’m good at, which is coloured pencil art”.
I didn’t even realise I was creating such boundaries for myself. I know it is to keep myself ‘safe’. Safe from ridicule if I create something that looks ‘weird’ or people don’t understand.
“The art that I create will be more saleable if I stick to the rules and has always fostered compliments in the past. Compliments make me feel good. Criticism makes me feel bad”.
In this way I have clouded the joy and love I felt for art as a child with perfectionist views and other people’s messages to me when I was growing up.
Letting go of that concern for other people’s opinions and of that need to control the process to avoid our fears is simple in theory, but not easy to do.
But I will try to let go of these fears and to create from my heart. I’ll look at the paper in front of me with the intention of enjoying filling it with colour and form. I will free myself from attaching to the outcome. I will trust the process.
It’ll be an experiment and I will observe what happens!