Hypomanic Mind Chaos!

ID-10046699Anyone else feeling their brain is in total chaos at the moment?

It’s so hard to put in words how I feel at the moment. To all who interact with me regularly, I probably seem like I’m fine, maybe a bit more sociable and excitable than usual, but that there is nothing amiss.

But inside, my thoughts are racing and it’s like everything I come across in my life at present is 10 times bigger, 10 times more fun, 10 times more exciting, 10 times more fascinating, 10 times more beautiful, 10 times louder, 10 times more powerful!!! No wonder I’m so distracted!

This may sound like a lot of fun, which it can be! But I know I can switch to anger and agitation in a split second.

I just don’t feel like myself!

I can’t stop DOING! I want to do do, do! Have more, more, more! Talk LOUDER! Not stop talking! Everybody else seems so slow!!

I can’t be too hypomanic though- I’m totally aware of what’s going on. I think?!

My sleeping has been totally weird and not always what you’d expect from hypomania.  I’ve had the more standard night of 4 hours sleep, and most nights I’m still buzzing with energy at 2am, despite not having been out or doing much; but I’ve also had long, blissful sleeps- the best sleep I’ve had in ages. I haven’t wanted any of my afternoon 2 hour naps that have been standard fair for me over the last 10 years.

But I can’t quite connect with myself. Everything seems to be distracting me from what I’m really feeling, or what is really going on inside me- perhaps all the memories I’m tapping into at counselling.

Be interesting to see what happens over the next week or so!

2 thoughts on “Hypomanic Mind Chaos!

  1. bittersweet1976

    Hi Rachel,

    Thanks for this post – You got me curious, how did that episode end up for you…

    My wife has only just begun to explore how bipolar disorder fits all the difficulties that she has faced over the years. Our first experience with a severe depression crisis started last year, but my wife attributed the emotional pain and paranoid anxiety to personality or spiritual reasons. As her partner, it has been a huge struggle to understand the best way to support her.

    Despite understanding mental illness from the perspective of being a family physician, this didn’t seem to help to much with last years crisis – I made alot of mistakes. A few months ago, my wife stopped her meds and I felt concerned and helpless. So I started to explore the issues of denial/insight to find the right approach. I discovered a few excellent blogs like yours and bought a few books particularly for partners of sufferers. This has been a life-saver! With advice to start journalling, I decided to combine that with a previous blogging idea I started last year (https://dialogueftdepths.wordpress.com/about). BTW – Maintaining a blog has shown to significantly improve all measures of emotional distress, with the best gains from blogs that encouraged open responses.

    I look forward to ‘blogging’ with you

    1. rachelmiller1511 Post author

      Hi- thanks so much for taking the time to comment here. I feel for you in dealing with your wife’s bipolar disorder.

      In answer to your question- I can’t remember how the episode ended! I would be surprised if it was anything other than a depression. I do tend to block bad episodes out of my memory.

      I think it’s great that you are so supportive of your wife. I think with mental health issues it is just about being there- be there with a hug, be there through the pain, and not try to change the person. This is part of their healing process and the journey they are embarking on in life.

      I’ve found that it really does get easier over time and your wife may find that she becomes more and more skilled at finding healthy coping strategies and discovering what works for her.

      I’m certain my bipolar has been triggered by childhood issues, as well as my being genetically-predisposed (bipolar/depression runs in my family). Working through the trauma issues I have is a slow process, but a necessary one I believe.

      I don’t know what to say really- except good luck!! I find journalling extremely therapeutic, so I hope you get the same benefits.


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