Category Archives: Bipolar Negative Thoughts

10 Lies Depression Tells You

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10 Lies Depression Tells You

1. You’re not good enough: at anything.

2. You’ve failed: at everything.

3. You’re a burden on your family/partner: they’d be better off without you.

4. You don’t deserve such a great partner.

5. You don’t deserve all the good things that have been given to you- they’ll be taken away from you.

6. God doesn’t care about you- he’s given up on you.

7. There’s nothing in your future to look forward to.

8. You’ll always fail.

9. You might as well give up.

10. It’s Your Fault You’re Depressed: you’ve done all the CBT, mindfulness, counselling, etc. You should be free from depression by now. It must be you- you’re bad.

They are lies! They are not truth! We can change our thoughts!

Related Posts

Changing the Mind-Programming

Exploring Negative Thoughts

10 Ideas to Distract Depression: Don’t Feed The Monster!

Depression SOS: Bach Flower Remedies

Depression & Grounding

 

 

 

 

 

 

Star Wars: The Force Awakens….Inside us?

Moon*SPOILER ALERT*

Watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the second time yesterday, I felt a profound connection to the idea of the dark and light side of the Force, and how something seemingly fictional, relates so well to us as human beings, particularly going through the extremes of Bipolar Disorder or spiritual awakening symptoms. (Bipolar Disorder as Spiritual Awakening)

The opposing symptoms of depression and mania could be likened to the dark and light sides of the Force. But also, as humans beings in general, I believe we all have the capacity for light and darkness.

The inner struggle of Kylo Ren between these light and dark side of himself is evident in his scene with his father, Han Solo, on the bridge. He wrestles with his own will and decision to embrace the dark side, and his inner light which he is reminded of by his father, and perhaps his own need for love.

Storm CloudsPersonal Experience *Trigger Warning*

I sometimes feel that my own spiritual journey (which has indeed been a journey with symptoms labelled collectively as Bipolar Disorder) has led me to experience a similar inner battle.

I have flown to the heights of euphoria, felt completely at one with the world, believed I could achieve anything, felt surrounded by God’s love, angels and the most beautiful Divine creatures and beings.

The devastation caused by my dark side can only be described as the most destructive tidal wave imaginable surging through my life.

I’ve felt surrounded by demons, by beings preying on my soul, manipulating and terrifying me for their own amusement. Psychosis one might question? It felt very very real to me and my own belief is that I should trust my experiences, feelings and intuition- this was real.

Self-destruction felt inevitable. Implosion of my soul, annihilation felt like the only possible outcome. To wrestle with the desire to take your own life is no mean feat. You are at the depths of human darkness with seemingly no way out, ready to commit murder of the self. To describe the devastation, the terror, the utter hopelessness is nigh on impossible to those who have not experienced it.

I called out for help amidst the soul-chaos and I was calling to the Light. I chose the Light and the Divine answered my call. I am so blessed. We are all so blessed. All we have to do is choose, and call out for help. Help finds us when we open our hearts to the Light.

I believe some humans are born into this life to experience extremes of emotion for their own spiritual growth and for that of the planet. I believe that all the good we create, the love we experience here is present in heaven. I believe any darkness created here in our lifetime is cancelled out by the supreme unconditional love of the Divine.

RainbowThe Force Everyday

I also believe a battle between our light and dark sides exists in the everyday, in the mundane.

When we choose to believe a negative statement that automatically runs through our minds, we are choosing to believe in the dark side for example.

Upbringing may have left us believing that we are not good enough. The statement “I’m not good enough” may automatically play through our minds over and over. The darkness takes hold when we choose to believe this. We end up constantly playing out “I’m not good enough” in our lives, as some small failure or other, because our ego needs to know it is correct- it feels safer.

But we can turn to the light by recognizing when we are thinking or playing out “I’m not good enough” and choosing more self-supporting and loving thoughts about ourselves. We can create “I am good enough” and play this out in our lives to create a more joyful and fulfilling life.

Personal Challenges

In the case of my own particular challenge, binge-eating, I could give into the darkness to prove that I am correct when I tell myself “I have no self-control”, and give into the cravings to binge eat and ignore my emotional needs.

Or…..

I could reassure myself that I am an incredibly strong person, as demonstrated in my own fight against self-destruction. I could acknowledge my emotional needs and meet them, not with food, but with my own love and light. I could tell myself that I have the capacity for self-control and that I have the power to make a more self-loving decision. I can accept any pain that is bubbling up inside me and have compassion for myself by doing something self-nurturing, possibly comforting to my inner child, like colouring, watching Harry Potter, or singing. These are just my own personal coping mechanisms. (For more ideas see 10 Ideas to Distract Depression: Don’t Feed the Monster.)

ID-10023748Everyday in life we can choose between the light and the dark- whether it be through an epic battle as seen in spiritual awakening experienced as Bipolar Disorder symptoms or otherwise, or through more subtle interactions.

May the Force be with you (the light side obviously).

 

Related Posts

Bipolar Disorder as Spiritual Awakening

10 Ideas to Distract Depression

Self-sabotage: Going Over to the Dark Side

Face Fear: Making Peace with your Shadow

You Are Amazing!

Exploring Negative Thoughts

ID-100114054I’ve done really well today so far! I’ve started my new sleep schedule over the last few days (bed by 11.30pm, wake up at 8am) which I’m keeping to and I went for a short walk this morning and did about 20mins yoga and some meditation.

So why am I down on myself all of a sudden?

I’m scared of the thoughts that are creeping in, and feel anxious about them. This is the sequence of thoughts once I got out my sketchbook and pencils:

1. “I can start to do this art work, but there’s not much point as everything I do is rubbish and it’s not like I have a career out of it.”

2. “I have nothing else planned for today. I must do something productive or the whole day will be wasted.”

3. “I could go and get some biscuits and chocolate and watch some movies/tv, then sleep off the sugar hangover. (Feel excited by the prospect).”

This is when I decide to blog first. Writing out a conversation with myself yesterday really seemed to help pick me up.

I’m going to respond to the first thought, as it seemed to trigger the others:

1. “I can start to do this art work, but there’s not much point as everything I do is rubbish and it’s not like I have a career out of it.”

Why do you feel this way do you think?

I’ve never studied past GCSE level (high school). I’m behind everyone else my age. Nothing ever looks the way I want it to. I don’t enjoy it anymore.

If you don’t enjoy it, maybe you don’t have to do it?

ID-10053350I feel I want to. Everyday a little voice inside me says draw, paint, let me have my voice! I don’t understand why I feel the need to suppress this part of me.

This voice, could it be your inner child?

Yes, I’m certain it is.

Why don’t you want to let her speak?

Because she can be scary and out of control. That same part of me that wants to create, my inner child, she has had major tantrums before and can be completely out of control.

This is what young children are like! They know how to express themselves! But adults teach them to suppress these ‘difficult’ emotions, usually because they can’t handle them themselves.  Sometimes children aren’t taught to deal these feelings in a healthy way.

What is a healthy way to deal with feelings of anger, disappointment, shame, etc?

Well, let’s look at how you feel now?

Ashamed that I can’t function like a normal person.

Ok., so how do you think you ‘should’ behave? What do you see as being ‘normal’ behaviour for an adult?

ID-10034835I should have a job and be earning my own money. Not scrounging off the government. I have heard so many working people express anger and resentment at having to pay taxes, so that others can have benefits. 

Ok. So how much income tax actually goes towards benefits? It is 20%. (UK) Therefore the working population are taxed 80% for many more things. Why are you so worried?

People will hate me and ridicule me. I feel so ashamed at not being able to support myself. I know I have more potential.

It is highly unlikely anyone will bat an eyelid about you being on benefits. Other people are wrapped up in their own lives. Any ill-wishing you receive from them is their karma, not yours. It is time to start releasing the need for the approval of others, a little bit at a time. It is safe for you to be you! It is safe for you to express your feelings and to paint and dance and make a mess!! Please don’t expect for this healing to take place all at once. It is likely to happen gently over a long period of time, so that you are not overwhelmed.

What do I need to do?

Be aware. Be aware of when you are trying to please others or gain approval. Be aware of when you are putting their needs before your own. You are your world. You do not need to make others feel safer or be responsible for their fears and insecurities. People are generally living their own lives, and aren’t too concerned about what others are doing, as long as it doesn’t affect them.

Why do you feel you should have a job like everybody else? Why can’t you do the things you love and make money that way?

Because it’s standard and acceptable to society. It’s easy to go with the majority. It’s difficult to forge my own path. I don’t know how I would start! Having a mentor would be very helpful. I don’t believe I’m good enough. I don’t believe I’m worthy of earning money for doing something that makes me happy!!

But you are worthy and you are good enough! Other people are doing it so why shouldn’t you?! Why do you feel so unworthy?

ID-10081670I don’t know. It still feels too childish. I want to feel deserving of earning money by being my childlike self and drawing or painting, writing, or creating in some other way. Or helping people! I feel if I’m earning money then it should be by directly helping others. Being creative feels selfish.

You are worthy. You are good enough. You are talented and deserving of using this talent and nurturing it. By being creative you are shining your own light into the world and making it ok for others to do the same. You are forging a path through which others can follow. You are making it easier for them! Therefore you would be helping others by being creative! You would be helping others to shine their love and light into the world!

It still feels difficult to draw or paint. I still feel a resistance to it.

It will take time, patience and practice. Start slowly- maybe even 15 mins of doodling at a time. Opening up to your creativity, it will be very healing and open many new doors for you! Allow yourself to feel worthy! Allow yourself to receive from the universe- be it financial gifts, or spiritual ones!

Thank you for the guidance and for caring enough to sit and listen to me.


So I don’t feel loads better. But I am grateful for the guidance, whether this is from my higher self or a spirit guide. I am grateful to myself for writing, rather than running to the chocolate straight away. I am grateful to myself for at least trying to overcome unhealthy habits. I am doing my best in these circumstances with the tools that I have.

I love and approve of myself just as I am.

I am worthy of living as my true self.

I am worthy of expressing my true self creatively!

Related Posts

Conversations with Myself: Exploring Low Mood.

Releasing Judgement: The Love Thermometer.

Overcoming Boredom

10 Ideas to Distract Depression: Don’t Feed the Monster!

Photos: freedigitalphotos.net

Overcoming Boredom

ID-100137I don’t know why I’ve called this post ‘Overcoming Boredom’, because I haven’t overcome it yet!! Maybe it’s me being hopeful that the answers will magically present themselves as I write.

I’m not working at the moment due to depression. The thing is, I actually have plenty of stuff I could do right now, I’m just bogged down in that depressive lack of motivation phase and don’t feel my normal joyful enthusiasm for life.

I’ve taken the Bach Flower Remedies Wild Rose, Gentian and Hornbeam in an attempt to make some effort towards helping myself.

I guess I’ve motivated myself enough to even write a little blog post, so that’s something positive!

How do you fire yourself up again, when you feel so little interest in anything?

I feel like it’s my fault that I’m bored and that I’m stupid to let myself get to this point. Then I look at what I’ve just written and think how harsh I’m being on myself. There’s some wonky thinking in there!

Okay, how do I get over this one?

My spiritual development teacher would say to be gentle with myself, accept the feelings that are coming up, notice the thoughts without judging them.

Feeling lack of motivation and interest is a symptom of depression and has naturally occurred as part of my experience.

Boredom seems to present this empty pit of nothingness and numbness inside me.

I want nothing more than to fight it off and get it away from me, but I know that’s not going to work. I know I have to sit with the feelings and be kind to myself. These feelings may be exceedingly uncomfortable to me, but it is safe to feel them.

Deep down do I believe that if I am bored, then I am boring?

Do I believe that I have failed in some terrible way by allowing myself to be bored when there are so many things to do, so many people to help in the world? That my life is worthless?

Maybe this is where the boredom has come from- believing that I am worthless therefore I can make no meaningful contribution to the world, so why bother?

I could probably go round and round in circles pulling this apart psychologically, but I don’t think it will help! So I think I’ll aim for distraction for a while.

A Crafty Step Forward

I’ve made a big step forwards these last two weeks and have been making cards and sketching again. It was difficult. It took effort- particularly the sketching. My confidence has been completely shot over the last 10 years of Bipolar rubbish, but I’m gonna get it back!! I wrote positive comments on my sketches to cheer myself on!!

I am really thankful that I’m now ready to move on and recover the real Rachel. This time last year I wouldn’t have been able to do these projects at all- the negative thinking was a massive block. I know I need to put in work and effort to get where I want to go, but I feel in a much better place to fight for it now!!

Releasing Judgement: The Love Thermometer.

It is common in those of us with Bipolar/Borderline Personality/Depression/Anxiety etc. to judge ourselves very harshly.

Today, instead of judging ourselves negatively, we could think of a Love Thermometer! Harsh judgments would register as 0%- there is no love in the thermometer. But we can fill it up!!Image

For example:

I may think the house is really messy and needs cleaning up, which may lead me to make negative judgements about myself. But today, I’m going to look at this in terms of how much love is in this fraction of my life?

  • If I am judging myself for being lazy, there may not be much love in that conclusion (probably 0%!)- how can I fill up the Love Thermometer for myself?
  • Change the perception of the event- the house is messy because I’ve been out walking the dog/spending time with my niece/making cards/writing or doing other things I LOVE.
  • Here is the LOVE!! It is the mess which is the result of LOVE- and there is no greater thing!! The mess represents LOVE!!
  • The LOVE Thermometer has charged up from 0% to 100%!!

And, hey presto, we are no longer judging ourselves harshly and have found our inner-love in this beautiful moment! (It works with judgment of others too ;)).

Photo Credit: digitalart via freedigitalphotos.net.

Old Patterns

Thank you everyone for your lovely supportive comments yesterday- I can’t believe how quickly my thinking patterns changed to old, habitual, negative ones.

Over the last year, I’ve been working really hard on changing my thoughts to more positive, nurturing ones. So far I think I’ve done really well and have been feeling better as a result.

But it didn’t take much for me to feel overwhelmed by anger and a situation I thought I couldn’t handle. It was easy to slip back into “I can’t cope, I don’t want to be here”. I don’t think it was just this though. Recently some old childhood pain has been stirred up and I think I was releasing a lot yesterday. I know I’m better off without it!!

I was very quick to judge this as failure and that I might as well give up: so all the old self-destructive thoughts quickly moved in on me again. But I guess it’s all part of the process of growing and moving past the old patterns. I may be able to keep the thoughts positive when things are going well for me, but I guess this is practice for helping me to stay positive in tougher situations. And I have come out of this quickly, much quicker than I would have done last year!!

I am learning to love the shadow side of me- not just the good stuff. It’s not easy, but I’m doing better :).

Chris was great and took me to the cinema in the evening to cheer me up. We saw Oz The Great and Powerful in 3D which I absolutely LOVED!! What with you guys all being so supportive and Chris being the lovely guy he is, I couldn’t stay in the quagmire for too long.

It did make me realise how easy it is to slip back though- but that I shouldn’t beat myself up over it either :). I’m very thankful to have come out the other side.

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