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High Sensitivity and “Limitations”

ID-1002679A few weeks ago, my boyfriend suddenly developed migraines. His vision partially disappeared, his head was extremely painful, and he was sick. This was beginning to occur every other day, which meant he was having to return home early from work, or other activities, and driving became limited.

My boyfriend is extremely active, autonomous and independent, and so for him this was a massive blow to daily life- he had never had this experience of having no control over what he could and couldn’t do. He was extremely frustrated and became anxious about whether he would get another attack when he was out. It was difficult to see him like this, but he has had success with the medication he was prescribed., which is great.

Limitations

The experience my boyfriend went through got me thinking about my own limitations.

Since I developed my first severe depression at university, I have felt limited by what I can do every single day.

My concentration decreased markedly at uni: I could only read the same few sentences over and over- nothing registered in my mind. For a previously high academic achiever this was a massive blow! It made me realise how much of my identity was wrapped up in achievement too- my whole concept of myself had to change. But that’s another post of its own.

Regular jobs in retail and admin just don’t work for me. I spent years trying to make myself fit the social norm, but the symptoms of Bipolar kept returningit was a nightmare.

I tried driving lessons on two separate occasions, but found that I dissociated (my awareness lifted out of my body, as if I were observing myself) and I felt completely out of control of the vehicle. Panic attacks occurred on every driving lesson I took. It took me a long time to accept that I most likely would never drive. Whilst I believe, if I had 100% wanted to and sought out specialist training, that I could have achieved it, I was so scared off by the dissociation and panic attacks that I no longer had any desire to drive, other than that it is a social norm, and for the sake of fitting in. This was not enough incentive for me, so I now accept my non-driver status.

I also have high sensitivity to lighting, smells and noise, which means I can only take so much of certain environments before I become dizzy and panicky, or a migraine is triggered. Parties, concerts, shopping in the city and many social activities are limited now- I need frequent breaks from them, or to just go for short bursts of time.

I was so angry with myself for so long. Really angry. Furious. I wanted so much to be like everybody else. I felt stupid and that something was innately wrong with me. I felt like God had taken these things away from me and that I was being punished for something. I felt a complete victim.

So, yes, I could understand how my boyfriend was feeling with the limitations his migraines were causing!

ID-10066657A New Perspective

It has only been in the last 5 or so years that I have come to see these, not as limitations, but as adjustments that I need in order to take care of myself.

I no longer see Bipolar Disorder. I see an extremely sensitive person, who deserves to protect her sensitivity and to keep herself healthy by whatever means she can. I no longer see someone who must be considered “ill” to fit onto society. I am just different. Not ill.

Society does not like different.

Society does not like an individual to have to live their life differently, and I do need to live my life differently in order to be healthy. So they prefer to see you at mentally ill.

Below are examples of necessary adjustments I’ve made to keep myself healthy:

  • a small amount of part-time work on my own terms: self employment teaching the flute, which I really enjoy.
  • accepting financial help from other people (this is not easy, despite other people perhaps thinking I have a cushy life. It has been embarrassing, shame-inducing, guilt-inducing, and I am still working on acceptance of this).
  • lots of free time to be alone, to sleep (I need 10-12 hours a day, and some of this I need to have in the afternoon as I don’t sleep so well at night), and to meditate.
  • regular walks in nature. This helps to balance my energy and help me to connect with myself. I feel more peaceful.
  • spending time on things I love, rather than things I think I “should” be doing.
  • regular journalling to connect with myself, check in how I am feeling, and figuring out any further adjustments to me made. This is active work on myself- looking at my beliefs and thought-patterns (which are often negative) and how I can love myself more by creating new self-loving, self-supportive ones. This requires practice throughout the day. Just off-loading my feelings to the paper can also be therapeutic.
  • avoiding loud, noisy places with lots of people.

I still experience mood swings, just on a more manageable level. I do still take medication, but it is more effective along with these adjustments. It is still a full time job just to keep myself balanced.

But I accept this now. I accept that I am not going to be living the “norm” and that’s okay.

I would rather be as healthy and as happy as I can possibly be!

Related Posts

Overwhelmed!

Healing at Home

Bipolar Disorder and Highly Sensitive People– Guest post on Mental Health Talk.

Bipolar Disorder as Spiritual Awakening

Face Fear: Making Peace With Your Shadow

 

 

 

Grenfell Tower: A Shaken Faith

On Wednesday the UK was shaken by it’s fourth major tragedy this year. We’ve had two terrorist attacks in London, one in Manchester, and now the Grenfell Tower fire in London, which looks like it will have claimed the lives of more than the previous three events combined.

Today I posted on Facebook:

” The difference in the response on my Facebook feed to the Grenfell Tower disaster compared with the recent terrorist attacks is huge. It is so much easier for us to blame tragedy on a group full of hate for us, than our own government and systems. Is our unity in grief only restricted to white people? Really, in 2017? It is highly likely the death toll from Grenfell Tower will exceed 60, according to the press. This is greater than the number of those killed in all three terrorist attacks in Britain so far this year. The people of Grenfell tower are British citizens too. They are human too. They feel the same suffering. It is events like this that shake my faith, but I know all I can do is pray for those whose lives have been shaken to the core. I hope that the voice given to the people of Grenfell Tower will finally be listened to, and that this will be the start of greater equality in the UK. We are all one people.”

What I wrote doesn’t really compare with the anger I feel inside, that this kind of thing can even happen.

I am usually all about finding the grace and love of God in all things. But this tragedy has shaken my faith. I feel so angry with God. Why did You let this happen? Something so horrific. The terror and pain these people endured is more than I can bare thinking about. Why weren’t You there? Why didn’t You stop it?

Most of the books I read on spiritual topics describe the angels if God as unable to intervene in our lives unless we ask them too, or a fixed plan made before we incarnated has been predetermined and must not be altered.

I do believe this, but it is so far removed from the suffering endured- it is difficult to integrate. The angels can see, God can see.

I can only hope that those killed or badly injured passed out very quickly, so as not to feel pain, and that those who have crossed over are given as much help as possible by God and the angels to heal.

I don’t understand. I’ll probably never understand and my analytical brain doesn’t like that. But I have to let this go, or it will eat me up inside.

Dear God,

Thank you for surrounding those affected by the Grenfell Tower fire in love and light. Thank you for the abundant healing and aid. Thank you for the fantastic emergency services in this country who help save lives.

Thank you for helping our country become more unified, and equality among the rich and poor, and those of different faiths and nations, be vastly improved. Thank you that good may come from this.

Thank you for helping me to be at peace. Thank you for helping anybody else effected be at peace.

Thank you for loving me in my anger with You. Thank you for Your endless patience and compassion.

Amen.

 

10 Lies Depression Tells You

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10 Lies Depression Tells You

1. You’re not good enough: at anything.

2. You’ve failed: at everything.

3. You’re a burden on your family/partner: they’d be better off without you.

4. You don’t deserve such a great partner.

5. You don’t deserve all the good things that have been given to you- they’ll be taken away from you.

6. God doesn’t care about you- he’s given up on you.

7. There’s nothing in your future to look forward to.

8. You’ll always fail.

9. You might as well give up.

10. It’s Your Fault You’re Depressed: you’ve done all the CBT, mindfulness, counselling, etc. You should be free from depression by now. It must be you- you’re bad.

They are lies! They are not truth! We can change our thoughts!

Related Posts

Changing the Mind-Programming

Exploring Negative Thoughts

10 Ideas to Distract Depression: Don’t Feed The Monster!

Depression SOS: Bach Flower Remedies

Depression & Grounding

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bach Flower Remedies: Stabilising Your Mood

The Light Sanctuary

Bach Flower Remedies have helped me a lot with stabilising my mood, as a supplement to my regular medication.

You can find out more about Bach Flower Remedies on my sister website, Emotional Wellness, here:

https://rachelmiller1511.wordpress.co…

Glenyss Bourne’s artwork can be found here: http://www.anaheart.com/

Doreen Virtue’s website: http://www.angeltherapy.com/

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Staying Grounded at Christmas

From sister-site: The Light Sanctuary (see link at top of site).

The Light Sanctuary

79583_regentropfen_kapuzinerkresse

The energies of the planet are currently very high. If you are highly sensitive to these energies they can throw you off balance very easily.

The energies are high? What does that mean?

Everything is made of energy.

This energy can vibrate at different rates.

Low vibrational energy is associated with more “negative” feelings and thoughts, places, people, creations- music, art, etc.

High vibrational energy is associated with more “positive thoughts, feelings, places and people, creations- music, art.

Then there are the extremes- the highest vibrational energies are those of the realms of the angels and ascended masters, as well as highly evolved planets.

Earth is currently going through strong energetic shifts to raise the vibration of the planets from the third dimension to the fifth dimension. This is another topic in itself.

For this to happen waves of very high vibrational energy are sent to Earth.

That all sounds…

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