Tag Archives: Anger

I Am Angry and It’s Okay.

I may have written about this before as it is an issue that pops up frequently for me.

How can I be angry when I’ve been programmed to believe my anger is wrong and shameful and should be hidden? I feel so guilty for my anger, I feel utterly responsible. Overly responsible.

2409245063_043e6e9cb2_mExperiencing Anger as a Child and Teen.

My parents couldn’t cope with my sister and I being angry when we were kids. It was a surefire way of getting shouted at and potentially sent to our rooms, or left in whatever outdoor place we were currently visiting. Fear of abandonment definitely is a block to me expressing my anger healthily and experiencing it as a normal human emotion that it is safe to feel.

We were brought up in a strict Christian environment, both at home and school, and anger was seen as ingratitude and unholy. So this is what became programmed into my trusting childhood psyche. As a child you don’t question, you believe whatever is fed to your mind by adults.

We were never supported or shown how to deal with such a strong emotion, and my own adult experience of anger has been that of a raging toddler in a few isolated incidents. My anger can be intensely fire-y and scares me.

We were always made to apologize even if we had been justified in our anger. This was a pattern that occurred all through childhood and my teenage years.

I wasn’t an angry teenager at all, but I think that’s because I learnt to hide it, and generally expressed it by going to my room and silently balling my eyes out. I felt so ashamed and worthless and the anger became directed at myself and developed into a deep hatred of myself and my (perceived) lack of control over my emotions.

My Present Anger & Binge Eating Recovery

Right this second I feel anger for something the sweetest, gentlest, most kind and caring person has done. It would seem a somewhat small thing to others, but to me it is a big deal and I have to remember to support myself in that.

I’m scared of hurting this person’s feelings and of being abandoned by them.

I have a right to be angry.

It is safe to own my anger and really feel it.

There is nothing wrong or sinister about my anger, it is safe and I am in control of it.

Learning to allow myself to feel unpleasant feelings is something I’m working on and has been a key aspect of my counselling for binge eating.

Instead of stuffing these emotions down with food, I’m writing about them.

In fact my mind hasn’t even turned to food this morning in order to stuff the emotions down, which is a huge improvement for me.

I feel a small sense of achievement for that.

Doreen Virtue: Emotional Expression Through Creativity

9781781805589Doreen Virtue is an author and spiritual teacher/healer who I truly admire and believe in. She writes about God, but more specifically about angels who she teaches are God’s messengers and helpers. They accept and love us unconditionally and are very much wish to help us, but can only do so if we ask.

She is somebody who has really helped to change my view of God as an all powerful, fearful judge of right and wrong, to one of an unconditionally loving God, who showers us with blessings and wants us to be happy and fulfilled.

She talks in her The Courage to Be Creative of how experience of our emotions and their expression is natural and healthy. In fact she dedicates a whole chapter to The Courage to Feel Your Feelings. She talks about how suppressing these feelings can cause us to be creatively blocked and how creativity “offers us a healthy and lasting outlet for understanding, expressing, and healing emotional pain.”

So here I am doing just that.

For somebody I admire as a spiritual teacher to talk about feeling and expressing emotion, whether pleasant or unpleasant, is quite freeing for me. Taught the opposite at an early age, I’m starting to believe that I am completely loved and loveable for the person I am, as a human being, anger included. We all are.

Related Posts

Keeping the Peace

Suppressed Anger and Fears of Abandonment

Bipolar Disorder: Repressed Anger.



Binge Eating- Counselling

11206469_10153078075981943_8308496157568323825_oI’ve recently started to accept the full extent of my binge eating and the fact that no amount of dieting is going to help me overcome the psychological basis for it. So I started counselling yesterday at a specialist eating disorders organisation. You don’t have to have an official diagnosis- which is handy as I don’t have one- though I’ve always seen it as binge eating disorder, as I don’t purge, or use laxatives, which would qualify as bulimia.

My counsellor is lovely and helped me to calm down as I was feeling panicky!

I chatted mainly about my experiences in childhood and as a teenager. There is a lot of rubbish stuff that needs to come out of me. I always wondered whether talking about abusive experiences would ever really help me, but now that I am ready to talk about them I feel that I would be somehow ridding my body of the toxicity of the emotion and energy attached. I feel a need to rid myself of this toxicity and this feels like the right way to do it.

I know Slimming World and Weight Watchers can’t help me with my psychological issues. I use food to soothe the pain of the past. I abuse my body as I have learnt that bingeing does temporarily soothe that pain.

But I also realised recently just how much time, money and energy I put into my binges. I worry about where and when I’m going to get my next binge stash. I worry about finding the privacy to binge, of being found out, of hiding food packaging from my housemates. I always wrap the packaging up in black bin-liners and take it straight outside to the main bin. I’m anxious about being caught amidst the shame of my lack of self control. The anxiety and effort of it all are exhausting!!! Lol!

Happy me- singing!

Happy me- singing!

But, do you know what? I really am starting to believe that I can overcome this. It is going to be about working on loving and taking care of myself. I really am starting to believe I deserve to have a great life and be happy! Food can’t take the pain away, or re-write an abusive past, but the more I love and care for myself, the less I will feel this pain. It will take patience as I think this is going to be an ongoing project, but I am loved and supported and for that I am truly thankful.

Keeping the Peace

No, that's not me! But I feel like that!

No, that’s not me! But I feel like that!


Sometimes I just want to scream!!!! Doesn’t everyone at some point?

I feel like such a rubbish human being sometimes.

I’ve been through CBT, Mindfulness Therapy, counselling and have been working on personal and spiritual development with my teacher Dawn for a good 4 years now. I feel like I’ve done so much work on trying to improve myself and my life, so why isn’t my life perfect? Lol!!! I think I might be expecting a little bit much of myself!

I feel like I know what I should be doing to improve things for myself: walking in nature, meditation, eating healthily, journalling, talking to friends, going to choir, playing the piano, drawing. So why don’t I do any of it?!!!

Angry & Annoyed!

I get angry with myself. Like I am now. Ok so, I’m doing walks in nature, meditation and going to choir, but I know I need more balance than that.ID-1003585

I get annoyed with myself when I get bored. I’m not working at the moment, so I beat myself up about that. I’m living off benefits.

I find regular jobs so tough to hold down- I end up depressed and anxious. All I can do is sleep in between part time shifts. I get so exhausted that I can barely walk- I’ve always seen this as psychomotor retardation, my thoughts become very slow too, I can’t look people in the eye, I become a shell of a person.

Right now, I know I’m going through feeling like a victim and I know I’m not really. But I think I just have to get these thoughts written out.

Even though regular jobs don’t work for me, I still fight with myself: “why aren’t you working? You should be working, you’re so lazy.”

And I know these thoughts aren’t productive!


I know how to change my thoughts. I know how to look for the things I’m grateful for in my life. I know how to foster and nurture this emotion to bring back the loving, joyful, abundant state of mind. So why do I feel so rubbish right now?!! Knowing and doing are two different things! Lol.

Storm CloudsBut maybe I feel the need to wallow for a few hours. Maybe wallowing and allowing these feelings, of “life’s not fair” and anger with myself, just to be in existence for a little while will help to process them.

I think I deny the darker feelings as much as I possibly can sometimes. My mind chews over and over- “I shouldn’t be thinking these things, I must get rid of them quickly”. When really I need to allow them to be.

So this is what I’m doing right now: allowing my thoughts and feelings to be.

Where did my peace go?!

Last Friday I had two teeth taken out. The injections were a lot more painful than I remember in the past. The needle went very deep into my jaw. I wasn’t prepared for the pain. Now one wound is infected and another tooth has been aching and I’ve had a temporary filling put in. The extraction seems to be causing me to clench my jaw and I’m having facial, head and neck pain due to this. I guess that’s going to make me feel a bit fed up!

432724y2b5b5yubI was so full of love and inner peace over the last two weeks- I want it back!!! Why can’t I have it back, lol!!!!!

I feel angry with myself for letting it get to me and angry with life, I guess, for not letting my inner peace last.

The challenge I’m learning is to keep the inner peace and love, return to the state, even when I’m feeling out of sorts, even when life is throwing me curve balls. To return to the love and peace in my heart. I know it’s there. I know writing like this helps to get my irritation and frustration out, to a place where I feel less overwhelmed and can get more perspective.

Related Posts

Exploring Negative Thoughts

Conversations with Myself: Exploring Low Mood.

Depression: Alternative Therapies, Life Lessons and Gratitude.

Face Fear: Making Peace With Our Shadow Side.

Bach Flower Remedies




Suppressed Anger & Fears of Abandonment

Does anyone else have difficulty owning their anger? By this I mean do you find that you get angry with yourself when you feel anger towards another person, if that makes any sense?!

Basically I feel very uncomfortable with my own anger towards others and I’m trying to work through this issue.

Any anger I feel towards a friend or loved one I struggle to deal with. I think it might be due to a fear of abandonment: if I’m angry with those I love- I might push them away, which is always the last thing I want!

Black & White Thinking

My thinking around all this is probably very black & white, which is a well known cognitive distortion in those with psychological issues. If I feel angry I judge this as a “bad” feeling. I often transfer this to thinking that I am a “bad” person for feeling “bad” emotions.

Black & White Thinking & Bipolar Disorder

To me, black & white thinking & beliefs seem to merge very well with the idea of Bipolar Disorder. The word Bipolar means two polar opposites- such as hot and cold, or indeed, black & white.

As we develop through childhood, do we learn to see ourselves as all good or all bad?

Do we reject the bad side of ourselves & embrace only the good?- Hypomania/Mania.

Do we accept only the bad and none of the good?- Depression.

Depression is sometimes thought to be caused by suppressed anger– anger that we consciously push out of our awareness or ignore. In an attempt to process these emotions- which never really leave our whole being- we automatically turn them around to ourselves. We may have been brought up to believe that it is safer to be angry with ourselves than with others. Being angry with others may have caused very difficult circumstances in key relationships. A deep fear of abandonment by caregivers is obviously something a child is very likely to feel as their parents are absolutely essential to their existence as they see it.

Traumatic Experiences With Anger & RageID-1007128

If we deal with Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder, we may have had particularly traumatic rages with others, which we felt were so powerful they overtook us completely. This can be a very scary experience and one that we would do anything to stop from recurring.

High Sensitivity

If we are also Highly Sensitive (take the test here) we will likely process seemingly smaller behavioural clues as rejection or abandonment: thereby increasing the likelihood of Bipolar Disorder, Depression & Anxiety occurring in later life.

One of the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder is described as “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.”

Any anger we experience towards someone we love may then be construed as a threat to our safety and therefore a potential danger in provoking this abandonment.

ID-100156695Bullying as Abandonment

Abandonment can also be seen to be a rejection by our peers. We are isolated as different and therefore a target for teasing and abuse. This creates an intense feeling of isolation and loneliness- effectively abandonment by peers.

Abandonment by God

I often think there is a real link between religion and psychological disorders. If we were brought up to believe that we were “bad” for feeling angry towards our “elders”, or that it was in some way unacceptable, we may have grasped hold of the idea that we could possibly go to “hell” for these feelings. We would therefore be rejected by God and cast out.

It all sounds very extreme and is initiated by such prehistoric religious ideas  (in my opinion) that are still circulating today.

(My idea of God is now very different- a belief in a loving, forgiving God who would never abandon any one of us. It is only us who can abandon Him.)

Suppressing Anger As A Coping Mechanism

We suppress our anger as we view it to be so dangerous to our wellbeing. It is the way we have learned to cope with our deep-seated fear of rejection.

To move forward we need to address and question this belief. Is it still relevant in our adult lives? Are we capable of taking care of ourselves? Do we love ourselves enough to take on challenges ourselves? Why do we feel we NEED other people so desperately for our basic survival?

We could identify situations we have handled on our own and feel a sense of accomplishment in that. Or challenge ourselves to participating in something just a little scary, but fun, to increase our confidence in ourselves.

Inner Child Visualization.

It is also helpful to travel back through our memories of childhood and identify times where we felt desperately abandoned. What happened? How did it feel?

Imagine your little-self and how you would comfort yourself if you could travel back and be with her/him now to support them. As your little self, imagine that love and support coming to you. If spiritual, you may like to imagine a beautiful guardian angel enfolding you in her/his protective wings.

Stepping Into Our PowerID-10021637

We are powerful beings, though it may not always feel this way. We have choices in life- choices in how we deal with emotions, situations, challenges, how we perceive things, etc.

By increasing the feelings of confidence in ourselves, we can rely on ourselves more and feel less fear of abandonment. Potentially we will then have no need to suppress our own feelings of anger as we step into our own powerful selves. We will learn to embrace our own anger as an emotion which can teach us about ourselves, and one that we can eventually become comfortable with. It will not cause our loved ones to abandon us. It is safe to feel angry. It may not feel this way yet, but imagine your own confidence growing as you experience and deal effectively with it. We are powerful enough to take charge of such a powerful emotion and use it to initiate healthy change in our relationships.

Related Posts

Bipolar Disorder- Repressed Anger

Bach Flower Remedy Consultation: Anger and Low Motivation

Take Back Your Power

Changing The Mind- Programming

Little Me and the Angel

Resources & Links

What is Suppressed Anger?

Cognitive Distortion: How Does Black & White Thinking Hurt Us?

Subservient Anger in Bipolarity

What is the Relationship Between Anger & Depression?

Highly Sensitive Person Self-Test.

Borderline Personality: Diagnostic Criteria

Photo Credits: Storm by dan; Sun by graur codrin; Lonely Girl by Sira Anamwong; all via freedigitalphotos.net.

Old Patterns

Thank you everyone for your lovely supportive comments yesterday- I can’t believe how quickly my thinking patterns changed to old, habitual, negative ones.

Over the last year, I’ve been working really hard on changing my thoughts to more positive, nurturing ones. So far I think I’ve done really well and have been feeling better as a result.

But it didn’t take much for me to feel overwhelmed by anger and a situation I thought I couldn’t handle. It was easy to slip back into “I can’t cope, I don’t want to be here”. I don’t think it was just this though. Recently some old childhood pain has been stirred up and I think I was releasing a lot yesterday. I know I’m better off without it!!

I was very quick to judge this as failure and that I might as well give up: so all the old self-destructive thoughts quickly moved in on me again. But I guess it’s all part of the process of growing and moving past the old patterns. I may be able to keep the thoughts positive when things are going well for me, but I guess this is practice for helping me to stay positive in tougher situations. And I have come out of this quickly, much quicker than I would have done last year!!

I am learning to love the shadow side of me- not just the good stuff. It’s not easy, but I’m doing better :).

Chris was great and took me to the cinema in the evening to cheer me up. We saw Oz The Great and Powerful in 3D which I absolutely LOVED!! What with you guys all being so supportive and Chris being the lovely guy he is, I couldn’t stay in the quagmire for too long.

It did make me realise how easy it is to slip back though- but that I shouldn’t beat myself up over it either :). I’m very thankful to have come out the other side.


The Worst Days

***** TRIGGER WARNING***** (Self-harm).

Today has been the worst day I’ve had in about 10 months.

It’s 7.30pm and I’m finally out of bed and showered.

I slept all day.

I didn’t want to get up.

I thought about self-harming a lot. (But didn’t).

I felt huge surges of aggression towards myself.

I know I’m turning a whole load of anger in on myself.

I got angry at the weekend but didn’t express it- this is what happens when you don’t deal with it when it comes up.

I feel like I’m rejecting this part of myself. I find it so hard to love and accept.

I’m feeling a little better tonight, but my movements and thinking have gone slow again.

I’ll feel better tomorrow.
I’ll feel better tomorrow.
I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Bach Flower Remedy Consultation: Anger and Low Motivation

On Friday I had another session with Dawn, my Bach Flower Remedy consultant. I’ve been feeling lacking in motivation recently and fairly “stuck” with regards to moving forward in my life. I’ve not been able to get started with things I’ve wanted to do and have been getting bogged down in anger issues surfacing from every corner of my past!

More Anger Issues!

I had been taking the flower remedy Mustard, this following a weekend of anger! The anger was triggered in my relationship. I thought my partner and I were just going through a rough patch, but after my session with Dawn, I realise he was just the catalyst that triggered lots of old, suppressed angers. This made a lot of sense as I do over-react a lot to little things in life: if these trigger much larger “grievances” then my reactions don’t seem so strange! I chose to take Mustard as I was pretty sure my feeling depressed was a direct result of suppressing the anger that was triggered at the weekend. Mustard is for “deep feelings of gloom” that seemingly appear out of nowhere and are usually related to suppressed anger.

The Consultation.

When I saw Dawn on Friday, she performed the usual kinesiology test which results in a list of appropriate remedies. I was surprised Mustard didn’t come up, but Dawn reassured me that I hadn’t made a “wrong” choice in taking it; it was more likely that the Mustard had already taken effect and healed that emotional aspect.

The prescribed list was as follows:

It’s funny, because the issues I thought I was going to Dawn for, were not the issues which seemed to come up in terms of remedies. We’re often totally unaware of what’s really going on inside us and I think this iterates the real benefit of seeing a practitioner who can accurately prescribe the remedies for you.

Sweet Chestnut and Wild Rose

Sweet Chestnut is a remedy for those that feel there is nothing left for them in life but emptiness and annihilation. I think I’ve really been denying that I feel like this most of the time.  It seems to combine with the Wild Rose state I’m in- of apathy and being resigned to my lot in life. I feel there’s nothing more I can do to help myself, so have given up. Certainly explains my lack of motivation!! The Rock Water makes a lot of sense too in that I tend to expect way too much of myself and am a total perfectionist.

All the other remedies I’d been prescribed before. I think I’m generally a pretty anxious person, so Aspen, Cherry Plum and Mimulus all made a lot of sense. Pine too as I tend to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders from past regrets.

A Few Days Later

I’m already feeling lighter and more positive about life. I’ve been surprised at how quickly some of the remedies seem to be working. I certainly feel less apathetic, so I think the Wild Rose has kicked in. I’ll let you know about the others in the next few days.


Bach Flower Remedies- My Bipolar Life

The Bach Centre

Photo Credit: dan via freedigitalphotos.net.

Self-Sabotage: Going Over to the Dark Side!

I’ve recently begun to realise that a major theme in my life thus far has been self sabotage.

Whenever I begin a new project, healthy eating plan, hobby or even job, I start out feeling excited and enthusiastic. I pour my all into it for a while.

But soon anxiety creeps in, even panic. I become immobilized. It feels like a huge brick wall has been placed in front of me and I’m absolutely powerless to move forwards. I can’t really figure out what this is about.

Why do I Self Sabotage?

Obviously there must be some positive to me self-sabotaging, or else I wouldn’t do it.

Maybe I get scared that I might succeed and therefore have to deal with the consequences- people expecting more of me, expecting more of myself?

Could it be that I over-identify with being “sick” in terms of having Bipolar Disorder and my identity is now formed around victimhood. It is painful to even consider that this might be the case. Who wants to admit to feeling like a victim, right?!

What Keeps Me Clinging to Victimhood? 

Well I could say it’s down to:

  • perfectionism- if I can’t be the best, what’s the point in trying? A powerless victim’s perspective.
  • low motivation.
  • poor focus.
  • dysfunctional thought patterns.
  • possibly attention? (Hope not, but I did always get more love and attention at home when I was ill- horrible to admit).

But ultimately I think these are just the tools with which Self- Sabotage equips itself.

The Painful Truth

If I really look deeper and am 100% truthful with myself, it really comes down to:

  • REVENGE- there are people in my life I am raging with. If I am successful, that success can reflect on them. I want them to see how much I suffer and how much they’ve hurt me. I want them to suffer with me. I don’t want to make them happy or proud.

Going Over to the Dark Side

ARGH! I’m a Horrible Human Being! I’m Anakin Skywalker! ARGH!

I can’t believe I’ve said that. It makes me sound like such a horrible person. I’m also fully aware that this is gonna hurt me far more than anyone else, but hey, when is rage ever rational?! I’m also aware that only part of me feels this way- my dark side. The light side of me (Luke Skywalker- if you will) of course wants to make them happy. There is this conflict inside my head, an ongoing epic battle- between the forces of good and evil (say in deep, gruff, trailer voice with evil laugh- wa-ha-ha-ha!).

Suppressed Anger, Bipolar and Depression

I guess that’s how angry I am inside, absolutely raging. I’ve never been able to express this anger. I’ve been too scared of it. I thought it would destroy me. But if Bipolar and Depression can stem from suppressed anger (see earlier post: Bipolar Disorder- Repressed Anger), I think delving this deep into my psyche is completely necessary in order for me to become aware of my thought patterns and beliefs. If we become aware of dysfunctional thoughts, that puts us in a position of power to change them.

There is Hope

This is my dark side. We all have a dark side and this is mine. It stems from a very very angry inner child who feels powerless, victimised, rejected, bullied and alone. She is having a massive tantrum and is rebelling. This is the only way she can get my attention. I don’t want the world to see her. I’m ashamed of her. She isn’t the “good” Christian child she was brought up to be.

For me to move forward healthily in my life, I need to find out what she needs and really listen to her, forgive her, accept her and love her. She holds the power with which I need to move forwards in life.


My Mix of Bach Flower Remedies I’m currently taking to Overcome Self-Sabotage:

Willow– to overcome self-pity and resentment.

Chestnud Bud– to help learn from mistakes.

Crab Apple– spiritually/emotionally cleansing, helps overcome self-hatred.

Gorse– to overcome hopelessness and despair.

Mustard– to overcome deep gloom brought on for no apparent reason (can often be due to suppressed/repressed anger).

Pine– overcoming guilt.

Hornbeam– overcoming tiredness at the thought of doing something.

For more info on Bach Flower Remedies, and recommendations for Bipolar, Depression and Anxiety, click here.



Bach Flower Remedies- My Bipolar Life

Overcoming Self-Sabotage- Psychology Today– lots of interesting articles around the topic of self sabotage here.

How to Soften Self-Sabotage- First Ourselves

Top 7 Self-Sabotaging Behaviours

Condemned Flower Essence Blend– Lots of Bach Flower Essence Mixes here.

The Bach Centre– Great info on Bach Flower Remedies.


Photo Credits

Woman with Headache by freedigitalphotos.net, Evil Witch by Victor Habbick via freedigitalphotos.net.

An Exciting Few Days

A Baby!

Not mine 🙂

I’ve had an absolutely brilliant weekend! The most exciting event being that my little sis has just had a baby!! I’m an aunt for the very first time and I can’t tell you how happy that makes me! Charlotte was born on Sunday night at 11.37pm. Interestingly, if she’d been born 23 minutes later, she’d have been a Leo. As it stands she’s a Cancer. Obviously couldn’t decide which one she’d prefer! My sister’s still in hospital at the moment, but all is OK, just a few feeding issues. Can’t wait to meet Charlotte!


Cinema & Dinner

Chris (boyfriend) and I went out for a lovely Italian meal on Friday. It was great to share some quality time together and enjoy some gorgeous food. I went all out and had garlic bread, spaghetti carbonara and a dessert too!! I never ever eat three courses so it was a real treat.

The Dark Knight Rises was astounding. I had only read poor reviews of it beforehand so wasn’t expecting much, but I loved it! It was huge in scale and a great conclusion to the brilliant Christopher Nolan trilogy.


Seeing as the weather has picked up so dramatically over here in Norfolk we grabbed the chance of a beach trip after Chris finished work yesterday. Splashing in the sea always cheers me up and we had a fun time chucking the ball around for Cassie (our dog). Finished off with fish and chips.

Moody Me

My mood has still been erratic: hyper about the baby one minute, irritable and snappy the next.

My anger nearly ran away with me yesterday and Chris got the worst of it. Honestly the guy deserves a knighthood for putting up with me sometimes! (I’m lovely most of the time though :)).

Ate humble pie afterwards and apologised, so we’re fine now. I was just getting really oversensitive to little remarks and him picking at me. Sometimes he does blame everything on me! He’s just a bit stressed so I know it’s not personal, but I’d had a bit of enough yesterday so went off on one!

Sometimes it’s so hard not to take things personally when you’re irritable. I do have a bit of an artistic temperament! Think this is naturally me sometimes rather than all bipolar. It’s very easy to attribute everything to bipolar!

Photo Credit: baby  imagerymajestic via freedigitalphotos.net; beach by dan via freedigitalphotos.net.