Tag Archives: binge eating

Binge Eating: Help from the Angels

After a binge, I felt I needed a little help from the angels- so here is the meditation they gave me to share with you. Thank you angels!

 

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I Am Angry and It’s Okay.

I may have written about this before as it is an issue that pops up frequently for me.

How can I be angry when I’ve been programmed to believe my anger is wrong and shameful and should be hidden? I feel so guilty for my anger, I feel utterly responsible. Overly responsible.

2409245063_043e6e9cb2_mExperiencing Anger as a Child and Teen.

My parents couldn’t cope with my sister and I being angry when we were kids. It was a surefire way of getting shouted at and potentially sent to our rooms, or left in whatever outdoor place we were currently visiting. Fear of abandonment definitely is a block to me expressing my anger healthily and experiencing it as a normal human emotion that it is safe to feel.

We were brought up in a strict Christian environment, both at home and school, and anger was seen as ingratitude and unholy. So this is what became programmed into my trusting childhood psyche. As a child you don’t question, you believe whatever is fed to your mind by adults.

We were never supported or shown how to deal with such a strong emotion, and my own adult experience of anger has been that of a raging toddler in a few isolated incidents. My anger can be intensely fire-y and scares me.

We were always made to apologize even if we had been justified in our anger. This was a pattern that occurred all through childhood and my teenage years.

I wasn’t an angry teenager at all, but I think that’s because I learnt to hide it, and generally expressed it by going to my room and silently balling my eyes out. I felt so ashamed and worthless and the anger became directed at myself and developed into a deep hatred of myself and my (perceived) lack of control over my emotions.

My Present Anger & Binge Eating Recovery

Right this second I feel anger for something the sweetest, gentlest, most kind and caring person has done. It would seem a somewhat small thing to others, but to me it is a big deal and I have to remember to support myself in that.

I’m scared of hurting this person’s feelings and of being abandoned by them.

I have a right to be angry.

It is safe to own my anger and really feel it.

There is nothing wrong or sinister about my anger, it is safe and I am in control of it.

Learning to allow myself to feel unpleasant feelings is something I’m working on and has been a key aspect of my counselling for binge eating.

Instead of stuffing these emotions down with food, I’m writing about them.

In fact my mind hasn’t even turned to food this morning in order to stuff the emotions down, which is a huge improvement for me.

I feel a small sense of achievement for that.

Doreen Virtue: Emotional Expression Through Creativity

9781781805589Doreen Virtue is an author and spiritual teacher/healer who I truly admire and believe in. She writes about God, but more specifically about angels who she teaches are God’s messengers and helpers. They accept and love us unconditionally and are very much wish to help us, but can only do so if we ask.

She is somebody who has really helped to change my view of God as an all powerful, fearful judge of right and wrong, to one of an unconditionally loving God, who showers us with blessings and wants us to be happy and fulfilled.

She talks in her The Courage to Be Creative of how experience of our emotions and their expression is natural and healthy. In fact she dedicates a whole chapter to The Courage to Feel Your Feelings. She talks about how suppressing these feelings can cause us to be creatively blocked and how creativity “offers us a healthy and lasting outlet for understanding, expressing, and healing emotional pain.”

So here I am doing just that.

For somebody I admire as a spiritual teacher to talk about feeling and expressing emotion, whether pleasant or unpleasant, is quite freeing for me. Taught the opposite at an early age, I’m starting to believe that I am completely loved and loveable for the person I am, as a human being, anger included. We all are.

Related Posts

Keeping the Peace

Suppressed Anger and Fears of Abandonment

Bipolar Disorder: Repressed Anger.

 

 

Binge Eating: Empty Inside

ID-10035460Whilst in one of my counselling sessions, I was trying to describe to my counsellor how I feel about my own identity. It dawned on me that I feel completely empty- as if everything outside of me is important and much more concrete, but inside me is completely unimportant and empty. I visualised it as an invisible human form, with the whole of life happening around them.

Mirroring

My counsellor said this is due to a lack of mirroring in childhood. Mirroring is when a parent reflects back to you the things you like, how you’re feeling, what your preferences are.

Sometimes parents project their own identity onto you, which means that we learn to be what others expect us to be. We learn to take our cue from the world around us, for other people to decide. We don’t learn of our innate power to create a life of our own- one that feels true and right to each of us individually.

Healthy mirroring might look something like this:

A child spends lots of time drawing and creating art work. Their mother makes enthusiastic comments: “how wonderful that you enjoy spending so much time making these beautiful pictures. You seem to like drawing butterflies very much”. This reflects back to the child what they are doing, what they are expressing as part of their identity and who they truly are.

3261685752_a0a4e4a961_mIdentity Malfunction

A childhood full of healthy mirroring and guidance down the path the child chooses for themselves, gives the grown child a strong sense of who they are and the direction they wish to take in life.

Discussing this further with my counsellor we talked about how a childhood without mirroring can cause the grown child to feel very little sense of connection to who they really are.

In my case I had my parent’s tell me how I was feeling, what I preferred, etc. I wasn’t allowed my own opinion. If I made my own decision I would be criticised and warned about the consequences. If I was angry I was very bad indeed and on occasion was locked in my bedroom- anger was not an option. It was as if I didn’t exist when I was angry.

To survive in my childhood home I learnt to anticipate my parent’s reactions and to act in a way that kept them happy. I spent so much time and energy trying to avoid criticism and any anger on their part that I put little energy into finding out who I was- I was constantly scanning my environment.

Keeping my parent’s happy was so important to me as they both had traumatic pasts and suffered from depression. My paternal grandfather had ended his life due to mental health issues. I learnt this at the age of 11, and was terrified at the prospect of losing my parents, so I resolved to do everything I possibly could to prevent this from happening. So I became as “good” as I possibly could and tried my absolute hardest to make them happy.

ID-10039145Bring on the Food!

I’ve been putting this into the context of my binge eating and it makes so much sense! This strong sense of emptiness is filled with food. Food temporarily gives a feeling of fullness. It also gives a certain identity in that we have a relationship with food, the disorder itself becomes part of who we are!

So part of the recovery process from binge eating, for me, is going to involve getting to know myself and what my needs are.

 

 

Binge Eating- Counselling

11206469_10153078075981943_8308496157568323825_oI’ve recently started to accept the full extent of my binge eating and the fact that no amount of dieting is going to help me overcome the psychological basis for it. So I started counselling yesterday at a specialist eating disorders organisation. You don’t have to have an official diagnosis- which is handy as I don’t have one- though I’ve always seen it as binge eating disorder, as I don’t purge, or use laxatives, which would qualify as bulimia.

My counsellor is lovely and helped me to calm down as I was feeling panicky!

I chatted mainly about my experiences in childhood and as a teenager. There is a lot of rubbish stuff that needs to come out of me. I always wondered whether talking about abusive experiences would ever really help me, but now that I am ready to talk about them I feel that I would be somehow ridding my body of the toxicity of the emotion and energy attached. I feel a need to rid myself of this toxicity and this feels like the right way to do it.

I know Slimming World and Weight Watchers can’t help me with my psychological issues. I use food to soothe the pain of the past. I abuse my body as I have learnt that bingeing does temporarily soothe that pain.

But I also realised recently just how much time, money and energy I put into my binges. I worry about where and when I’m going to get my next binge stash. I worry about finding the privacy to binge, of being found out, of hiding food packaging from my housemates. I always wrap the packaging up in black bin-liners and take it straight outside to the main bin. I’m anxious about being caught amidst the shame of my lack of self control. The anxiety and effort of it all are exhausting!!! Lol!

Happy me- singing!

Happy me- singing!

But, do you know what? I really am starting to believe that I can overcome this. It is going to be about working on loving and taking care of myself. I really am starting to believe I deserve to have a great life and be happy! Food can’t take the pain away, or re-write an abusive past, but the more I love and care for myself, the less I will feel this pain. It will take patience as I think this is going to be an ongoing project, but I am loved and supported and for that I am truly thankful.