Tag Archives: counselling

Counselling: my wellbeing as priority.

So much has changed in the last 18 months it all seems a little surreal!

Big Decisions

ID-10059543I finally put my needs and wellbeing before my fears of insecurity, and left an unhappy relationship. I moved to a new house, sharing with housemates.

It was a scary move. I’d been in the relationship for 11 years and had become so comfortable having our own house, living in a lovely area, and with our beautiful dog- who I was heartbroken to leave. Despite the unhappiness between the two of us, we did try to make it work, and we still care about each other, but as friends. I regularly dog-sit, so I still get to see my gorgeous girl.

It was a really tough decision and I still can’t believe I was brave enough to do it. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.

My happiness now has really made me realise how important it is to be true to ourselves, even if it means sacrificing other things.

Binge Eating & Counselling

ID-100136585My binge eating has definitely worsened since the move. I think this is because I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself when I don’t have someone else’s needs to consider, and a dog to look after. I’ve spent too much time in my life trying to look after other people’s emotions, and not enough time looking after my own. So, as I posted back in May, I took the step of getting counselling for my disordered eating and body image.

I feel I’ve struck the jackpot with my counselllor- she is fantastic, and it feels right.

She’s really helping me to work on identifying how I developed such low confidence and self-esteem, and how I can nurture and parent myself. This is most definitely going to be an ongoing process.

The most uncomfortable I have felt so far is dealing with other people’s reactions to increasing my assertiveness. Having grown up a people-pleaser, upsetting others is extremely scary! But she’s helping me to see I’m not responsible for their reactions when I’m creating a boundary- so I don’t allow myself to be walked all-over.

I’m beginning to realise that there is a healthy level of selfish-ness!

ID-10039145Binge Triggers

Binge triggers have been relatively easy to identify so far:

  • Being alone- this often leads me to feel anxious about jumbled up, traumatic emotions from the past surfacing, which they tend to do when I’m alone.
  • Going to shops.
  • Being over-tired and uncomfortable, eg. aching feet from too much shopping, and tense body. Too much time spent with other people too.
  • Being angry and feeling ashamed of it.
  • Arguments/disagreements.

I think the main reason I binge eat is to stuff down the emotions of the past. I’m grieving for my inner child and the things I went through at that time. I’m a little scared of my inner child though, as she is very very angry and likes to have temper tantrums!

I’m learning to manage that anger in a healthy way.

It’s not about losing weight.

Fairy Homecoming: my inner child- she looks a bit calmer here!

Fairy Homecoming: my inner child- she looks a bit calmer here!

It’s not about losing weight- I can’t stress this enough.

I am not on a diet.

I am focusing on managing my emotions and my own needs. The healing comes through this, not through calorie-counting.

I am learning to love my body the way it is. I can still walk and be active and function pretty well! That is something to be profoundly grateful for.

I am really grateful also for the counselling that I am receiving at low cost. It is providing much-needed support. The universe is looking after me- and I am thankful!

Relevant Posts

Binge-eating Counselling

Bipolar Disorder: Body Image and Anxiety

Bipolar Disorder: Eating Distress

Full Moon: Releasing Old Baggage

Mental Health: Looking After Ourselves

 

 

 

 

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Binge Eating- Counselling

11206469_10153078075981943_8308496157568323825_oI’ve recently started to accept the full extent of my binge eating and the fact that no amount of dieting is going to help me overcome the psychological basis for it. So I started counselling yesterday at a specialist eating disorders organisation. You don’t have to have an official diagnosis- which is handy as I don’t have one- though I’ve always seen it as binge eating disorder, as I don’t purge, or use laxatives, which would qualify as bulimia.

My counsellor is lovely and helped me to calm down as I was feeling panicky!

I chatted mainly about my experiences in childhood and as a teenager. There is a lot of rubbish stuff that needs to come out of me. I always wondered whether talking about abusive experiences would ever really help me, but now that I am ready to talk about them I feel that I would be somehow ridding my body of the toxicity of the emotion and energy attached. I feel a need to rid myself of this toxicity and this feels like the right way to do it.

I know Slimming World and Weight Watchers can’t help me with my psychological issues. I use food to soothe the pain of the past. I abuse my body as I have learnt that bingeing does temporarily soothe that pain.

But I also realised recently just how much time, money and energy I put into my binges. I worry about where and when I’m going to get my next binge stash. I worry about finding the privacy to binge, of being found out, of hiding food packaging from my housemates. I always wrap the packaging up in black bin-liners and take it straight outside to the main bin. I’m anxious about being caught amidst the shame of my lack of self control. The anxiety and effort of it all are exhausting!!! Lol!

Happy me- singing!

Happy me- singing!

But, do you know what? I really am starting to believe that I can overcome this. It is going to be about working on loving and taking care of myself. I really am starting to believe I deserve to have a great life and be happy! Food can’t take the pain away, or re-write an abusive past, but the more I love and care for myself, the less I will feel this pain. It will take patience as I think this is going to be an ongoing project, but I am loved and supported and for that I am truly thankful.