I’ve done really well today so far! I’ve started my new sleep schedule over the last few days (bed by 11.30pm, wake up at 8am) which I’m keeping to and I went for a short walk this morning and did about 20mins yoga and some meditation.
So why am I down on myself all of a sudden?
I’m scared of the thoughts that are creeping in, and feel anxious about them. This is the sequence of thoughts once I got out my sketchbook and pencils:
1. “I can start to do this art work, but there’s not much point as everything I do is rubbish and it’s not like I have a career out of it.”
2. “I have nothing else planned for today. I must do something productive or the whole day will be wasted.”
3. “I could go and get some biscuits and chocolate and watch some movies/tv, then sleep off the sugar hangover. (Feel excited by the prospect).”
This is when I decide to blog first. Writing out a conversation with myself yesterday really seemed to help pick me up.
I’m going to respond to the first thought, as it seemed to trigger the others:
1. “I can start to do this art work, but there’s not much point as everything I do is rubbish and it’s not like I have a career out of it.”
Why do you feel this way do you think?
I’ve never studied past GCSE level (high school). I’m behind everyone else my age. Nothing ever looks the way I want it to. I don’t enjoy it anymore.
If you don’t enjoy it, maybe you don’t have to do it?
I feel I want to. Everyday a little voice inside me says draw, paint, let me have my voice! I don’t understand why I feel the need to suppress this part of me.
This voice, could it be your inner child?
Yes, I’m certain it is.
Why don’t you want to let her speak?
Because she can be scary and out of control. That same part of me that wants to create, my inner child, she has had major tantrums before and can be completely out of control.
This is what young children are like! They know how to express themselves! But adults teach them to suppress these ‘difficult’ emotions, usually because they can’t handle them themselves. Sometimes children aren’t taught to deal these feelings in a healthy way.
What is a healthy way to deal with feelings of anger, disappointment, shame, etc?
Well, let’s look at how you feel now?
Ashamed that I can’t function like a normal person.
Ok., so how do you think you ‘should’ behave? What do you see as being ‘normal’ behaviour for an adult?
I should have a job and be earning my own money. Not scrounging off the government. I have heard so many working people express anger and resentment at having to pay taxes, so that others can have benefits.
Ok. So how much income tax actually goes towards benefits? It is 20%. (UK) Therefore the working population are taxed 80% for many more things. Why are you so worried?
People will hate me and ridicule me. I feel so ashamed at not being able to support myself. I know I have more potential.
It is highly unlikely anyone will bat an eyelid about you being on benefits. Other people are wrapped up in their own lives. Any ill-wishing you receive from them is their karma, not yours. It is time to start releasing the need for the approval of others, a little bit at a time. It is safe for you to be you! It is safe for you to express your feelings and to paint and dance and make a mess!! Please don’t expect for this healing to take place all at once. It is likely to happen gently over a long period of time, so that you are not overwhelmed.
What do I need to do?
Be aware. Be aware of when you are trying to please others or gain approval. Be aware of when you are putting their needs before your own. You are your world. You do not need to make others feel safer or be responsible for their fears and insecurities. People are generally living their own lives, and aren’t too concerned about what others are doing, as long as it doesn’t affect them.
Why do you feel you should have a job like everybody else? Why can’t you do the things you love and make money that way?
Because it’s standard and acceptable to society. It’s easy to go with the majority. It’s difficult to forge my own path. I don’t know how I would start! Having a mentor would be very helpful. I don’t believe I’m good enough. I don’t believe I’m worthy of earning money for doing something that makes me happy!!
But you are worthy and you are good enough! Other people are doing it so why shouldn’t you?! Why do you feel so unworthy?
I don’t know. It still feels too childish. I want to feel deserving of earning money by being my childlike self and drawing or painting, writing, or creating in some other way. Or helping people! I feel if I’m earning money then it should be by directly helping others. Being creative feels selfish.
You are worthy. You are good enough. You are talented and deserving of using this talent and nurturing it. By being creative you are shining your own light into the world and making it ok for others to do the same. You are forging a path through which others can follow. You are making it easier for them! Therefore you would be helping others by being creative! You would be helping others to shine their love and light into the world!
It still feels difficult to draw or paint. I still feel a resistance to it.
It will take time, patience and practice. Start slowly- maybe even 15 mins of doodling at a time. Opening up to your creativity, it will be very healing and open many new doors for you! Allow yourself to feel worthy! Allow yourself to receive from the universe- be it financial gifts, or spiritual ones!
Thank you for the guidance and for caring enough to sit and listen to me.
So I don’t feel loads better. But I am grateful for the guidance, whether this is from my higher self or a spirit guide. I am grateful to myself for writing, rather than running to the chocolate straight away. I am grateful to myself for at least trying to overcome unhealthy habits. I am doing my best in these circumstances with the tools that I have.
I love and approve of myself just as I am.
I am worthy of living as my true self.
I am worthy of expressing my true self creatively!
Related Posts
Conversations with Myself: Exploring Low Mood.
Releasing Judgement: The Love Thermometer.
Overcoming Boredom
10 Ideas to Distract Depression: Don’t Feed the Monster!
Photos: freedigitalphotos.net
