Tag Archives: Negative Thoughts

10 Lies Depression Tells You

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10 Lies Depression Tells You

1. You’re not good enough: at anything.

2. You’ve failed: at everything.

3. You’re a burden on your family/partner: they’d be better off without you.

4. You don’t deserve such a great partner.

5. You don’t deserve all the good things that have been given to you- they’ll be taken away from you.

6. God doesn’t care about you- he’s given up on you.

7. There’s nothing in your future to look forward to.

8. You’ll always fail.

9. You might as well give up.

10. It’s Your Fault You’re Depressed: you’ve done all the CBT, mindfulness, counselling, etc. You should be free from depression by now. It must be you- you’re bad.

They are lies! They are not truth! We can change our thoughts!

Related Posts

Changing the Mind-Programming

Exploring Negative Thoughts

10 Ideas to Distract Depression: Don’t Feed The Monster!

Depression SOS: Bach Flower Remedies

Depression & Grounding

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keeping the Peace

No, that's not me! But I feel like that!

No, that’s not me! But I feel like that!

Arrrrrghhhhh!!!!

Sometimes I just want to scream!!!! Doesn’t everyone at some point?

I feel like such a rubbish human being sometimes.

I’ve been through CBT, Mindfulness Therapy, counselling and have been working on personal and spiritual development with my teacher Dawn for a good 4 years now. I feel like I’ve done so much work on trying to improve myself and my life, so why isn’t my life perfect? Lol!!! I think I might be expecting a little bit much of myself!

I feel like I know what I should be doing to improve things for myself: walking in nature, meditation, eating healthily, journalling, talking to friends, going to choir, playing the piano, drawing. So why don’t I do any of it?!!!

Angry & Annoyed!

I get angry with myself. Like I am now. Ok so, I’m doing walks in nature, meditation and going to choir, but I know I need more balance than that.ID-1003585

I get annoyed with myself when I get bored. I’m not working at the moment, so I beat myself up about that. I’m living off benefits.

I find regular jobs so tough to hold down- I end up depressed and anxious. All I can do is sleep in between part time shifts. I get so exhausted that I can barely walk- I’ve always seen this as psychomotor retardation, my thoughts become very slow too, I can’t look people in the eye, I become a shell of a person.

Right now, I know I’m going through feeling like a victim and I know I’m not really. But I think I just have to get these thoughts written out.

Even though regular jobs don’t work for me, I still fight with myself: “why aren’t you working? You should be working, you’re so lazy.”

And I know these thoughts aren’t productive!

Wallowing.

I know how to change my thoughts. I know how to look for the things I’m grateful for in my life. I know how to foster and nurture this emotion to bring back the loving, joyful, abundant state of mind. So why do I feel so rubbish right now?!! Knowing and doing are two different things! Lol.

Storm CloudsBut maybe I feel the need to wallow for a few hours. Maybe wallowing and allowing these feelings, of “life’s not fair” and anger with myself, just to be in existence for a little while will help to process them.

I think I deny the darker feelings as much as I possibly can sometimes. My mind chews over and over- “I shouldn’t be thinking these things, I must get rid of them quickly”. When really I need to allow them to be.

So this is what I’m doing right now: allowing my thoughts and feelings to be.

Where did my peace go?!

Last Friday I had two teeth taken out. The injections were a lot more painful than I remember in the past. The needle went very deep into my jaw. I wasn’t prepared for the pain. Now one wound is infected and another tooth has been aching and I’ve had a temporary filling put in. The extraction seems to be causing me to clench my jaw and I’m having facial, head and neck pain due to this. I guess that’s going to make me feel a bit fed up!

432724y2b5b5yubI was so full of love and inner peace over the last two weeks- I want it back!!! Why can’t I have it back, lol!!!!!

I feel angry with myself for letting it get to me and angry with life, I guess, for not letting my inner peace last.

The challenge I’m learning is to keep the inner peace and love, return to the state, even when I’m feeling out of sorts, even when life is throwing me curve balls. To return to the love and peace in my heart. I know it’s there. I know writing like this helps to get my irritation and frustration out, to a place where I feel less overwhelmed and can get more perspective.

Related Posts

Exploring Negative Thoughts

Conversations with Myself: Exploring Low Mood.

Depression: Alternative Therapies, Life Lessons and Gratitude.

Face Fear: Making Peace With Our Shadow Side.

Bach Flower Remedies

 

 

 

Exploring Negative Thoughts

ID-100114054I’ve done really well today so far! I’ve started my new sleep schedule over the last few days (bed by 11.30pm, wake up at 8am) which I’m keeping to and I went for a short walk this morning and did about 20mins yoga and some meditation.

So why am I down on myself all of a sudden?

I’m scared of the thoughts that are creeping in, and feel anxious about them. This is the sequence of thoughts once I got out my sketchbook and pencils:

1. “I can start to do this art work, but there’s not much point as everything I do is rubbish and it’s not like I have a career out of it.”

2. “I have nothing else planned for today. I must do something productive or the whole day will be wasted.”

3. “I could go and get some biscuits and chocolate and watch some movies/tv, then sleep off the sugar hangover. (Feel excited by the prospect).”

This is when I decide to blog first. Writing out a conversation with myself yesterday really seemed to help pick me up.

I’m going to respond to the first thought, as it seemed to trigger the others:

1. “I can start to do this art work, but there’s not much point as everything I do is rubbish and it’s not like I have a career out of it.”

Why do you feel this way do you think?

I’ve never studied past GCSE level (high school). I’m behind everyone else my age. Nothing ever looks the way I want it to. I don’t enjoy it anymore.

If you don’t enjoy it, maybe you don’t have to do it?

ID-10053350I feel I want to. Everyday a little voice inside me says draw, paint, let me have my voice! I don’t understand why I feel the need to suppress this part of me.

This voice, could it be your inner child?

Yes, I’m certain it is.

Why don’t you want to let her speak?

Because she can be scary and out of control. That same part of me that wants to create, my inner child, she has had major tantrums before and can be completely out of control.

This is what young children are like! They know how to express themselves! But adults teach them to suppress these ‘difficult’ emotions, usually because they can’t handle them themselves.  Sometimes children aren’t taught to deal these feelings in a healthy way.

What is a healthy way to deal with feelings of anger, disappointment, shame, etc?

Well, let’s look at how you feel now?

Ashamed that I can’t function like a normal person.

Ok., so how do you think you ‘should’ behave? What do you see as being ‘normal’ behaviour for an adult?

ID-10034835I should have a job and be earning my own money. Not scrounging off the government. I have heard so many working people express anger and resentment at having to pay taxes, so that others can have benefits. 

Ok. So how much income tax actually goes towards benefits? It is 20%. (UK) Therefore the working population are taxed 80% for many more things. Why are you so worried?

People will hate me and ridicule me. I feel so ashamed at not being able to support myself. I know I have more potential.

It is highly unlikely anyone will bat an eyelid about you being on benefits. Other people are wrapped up in their own lives. Any ill-wishing you receive from them is their karma, not yours. It is time to start releasing the need for the approval of others, a little bit at a time. It is safe for you to be you! It is safe for you to express your feelings and to paint and dance and make a mess!! Please don’t expect for this healing to take place all at once. It is likely to happen gently over a long period of time, so that you are not overwhelmed.

What do I need to do?

Be aware. Be aware of when you are trying to please others or gain approval. Be aware of when you are putting their needs before your own. You are your world. You do not need to make others feel safer or be responsible for their fears and insecurities. People are generally living their own lives, and aren’t too concerned about what others are doing, as long as it doesn’t affect them.

Why do you feel you should have a job like everybody else? Why can’t you do the things you love and make money that way?

Because it’s standard and acceptable to society. It’s easy to go with the majority. It’s difficult to forge my own path. I don’t know how I would start! Having a mentor would be very helpful. I don’t believe I’m good enough. I don’t believe I’m worthy of earning money for doing something that makes me happy!!

But you are worthy and you are good enough! Other people are doing it so why shouldn’t you?! Why do you feel so unworthy?

ID-10081670I don’t know. It still feels too childish. I want to feel deserving of earning money by being my childlike self and drawing or painting, writing, or creating in some other way. Or helping people! I feel if I’m earning money then it should be by directly helping others. Being creative feels selfish.

You are worthy. You are good enough. You are talented and deserving of using this talent and nurturing it. By being creative you are shining your own light into the world and making it ok for others to do the same. You are forging a path through which others can follow. You are making it easier for them! Therefore you would be helping others by being creative! You would be helping others to shine their love and light into the world!

It still feels difficult to draw or paint. I still feel a resistance to it.

It will take time, patience and practice. Start slowly- maybe even 15 mins of doodling at a time. Opening up to your creativity, it will be very healing and open many new doors for you! Allow yourself to feel worthy! Allow yourself to receive from the universe- be it financial gifts, or spiritual ones!

Thank you for the guidance and for caring enough to sit and listen to me.


So I don’t feel loads better. But I am grateful for the guidance, whether this is from my higher self or a spirit guide. I am grateful to myself for writing, rather than running to the chocolate straight away. I am grateful to myself for at least trying to overcome unhealthy habits. I am doing my best in these circumstances with the tools that I have.

I love and approve of myself just as I am.

I am worthy of living as my true self.

I am worthy of expressing my true self creatively!

Related Posts

Conversations with Myself: Exploring Low Mood.

Releasing Judgement: The Love Thermometer.

Overcoming Boredom

10 Ideas to Distract Depression: Don’t Feed the Monster!

Photos: freedigitalphotos.net

Overcoming Boredom

ID-100137I don’t know why I’ve called this post ‘Overcoming Boredom’, because I haven’t overcome it yet!! Maybe it’s me being hopeful that the answers will magically present themselves as I write.

I’m not working at the moment due to depression. The thing is, I actually have plenty of stuff I could do right now, I’m just bogged down in that depressive lack of motivation phase and don’t feel my normal joyful enthusiasm for life.

I’ve taken the Bach Flower Remedies Wild Rose, Gentian and Hornbeam in an attempt to make some effort towards helping myself.

I guess I’ve motivated myself enough to even write a little blog post, so that’s something positive!

How do you fire yourself up again, when you feel so little interest in anything?

I feel like it’s my fault that I’m bored and that I’m stupid to let myself get to this point. Then I look at what I’ve just written and think how harsh I’m being on myself. There’s some wonky thinking in there!

Okay, how do I get over this one?

My spiritual development teacher would say to be gentle with myself, accept the feelings that are coming up, notice the thoughts without judging them.

Feeling lack of motivation and interest is a symptom of depression and has naturally occurred as part of my experience.

Boredom seems to present this empty pit of nothingness and numbness inside me.

I want nothing more than to fight it off and get it away from me, but I know that’s not going to work. I know I have to sit with the feelings and be kind to myself. These feelings may be exceedingly uncomfortable to me, but it is safe to feel them.

Deep down do I believe that if I am bored, then I am boring?

Do I believe that I have failed in some terrible way by allowing myself to be bored when there are so many things to do, so many people to help in the world? That my life is worthless?

Maybe this is where the boredom has come from- believing that I am worthless therefore I can make no meaningful contribution to the world, so why bother?

I could probably go round and round in circles pulling this apart psychologically, but I don’t think it will help! So I think I’ll aim for distraction for a while.

A Crafty Step Forward

I’ve made a big step forwards these last two weeks and have been making cards and sketching again. It was difficult. It took effort- particularly the sketching. My confidence has been completely shot over the last 10 years of Bipolar rubbish, but I’m gonna get it back!! I wrote positive comments on my sketches to cheer myself on!!

I am really thankful that I’m now ready to move on and recover the real Rachel. This time last year I wouldn’t have been able to do these projects at all- the negative thinking was a massive block. I know I need to put in work and effort to get where I want to go, but I feel in a much better place to fight for it now!!

Releasing Judgement: The Love Thermometer.

It is common in those of us with Bipolar/Borderline Personality/Depression/Anxiety etc. to judge ourselves very harshly.

Today, instead of judging ourselves negatively, we could think of a Love Thermometer! Harsh judgments would register as 0%- there is no love in the thermometer. But we can fill it up!!Image

For example:

I may think the house is really messy and needs cleaning up, which may lead me to make negative judgements about myself. But today, I’m going to look at this in terms of how much love is in this fraction of my life?

  • If I am judging myself for being lazy, there may not be much love in that conclusion (probably 0%!)- how can I fill up the Love Thermometer for myself?
  • Change the perception of the event- the house is messy because I’ve been out walking the dog/spending time with my niece/making cards/writing or doing other things I LOVE.
  • Here is the LOVE!! It is the mess which is the result of LOVE- and there is no greater thing!! The mess represents LOVE!!
  • The LOVE Thermometer has charged up from 0% to 100%!!

And, hey presto, we are no longer judging ourselves harshly and have found our inner-love in this beautiful moment! (It works with judgment of others too ;)).

Photo Credit: digitalart via freedigitalphotos.net.

Changing the Mind-Programming

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Me and our rescue dog, Cassie.

I’ve been working on some really deep issues in my journal today. It’s been difficult as I’ve been admitting some painful truths.

A few weeks ago I looked at personal power and how I have been “giving it away”.

Self-sabotage and quitting have been strong themes in my life thus far, as well as identifying myself as a “victim”, which is an attitude I am in the process of changing.

The beliefs I have instilled in my mind as a powerless victim are:

  • I am unable to cope in life.
  • I am too sensitive and thin-skinned.
  • I can’t take care of myself, I need to be looked after.
  • I am sick/emotionally unstable/have something wrong with me.
  • I’m not good enough.

I learnt these beliefs whilst growing up. I was rewarded when I displayed behaviour that exhibited these beliefs. I was treated less favourably if I showed independent and powerful behaviour.

Throughout my adult life I have attracted situations which have reinforced these beliefs- often very painful and destructive experiences.

I am now going to work on changing my beliefs in order to drastically improve my quality of life!!

My new mind-programming will be based on the following:

  • It is safe for me to be powerful and independent.
  • I have many talents and abilities that I can successfully utilize in my life.
  • I give myself permission to take care of and love myself.
  • I am free to express the true essence of me.
  • I am worthy of love, joy, fulfilment, success, health, fitness, abundance and wonderful life experiences!

My empowering reading has been:

Stop the Excuses, by Wayne Dyer.

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Quick Life Update

  • Brilliant day out at Center Parcs on Monday for a spa-day with friends. Also visited the brilliant swimming pool where we went on the insane new waterslide: Cyclone.
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    Cyclone

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    Cyclone- surprisingly scary!!

  • Enjoyed the Oscar highlights immensely on Monday. Loved Jennifer Lawrence’s dress and Joaquin Phoenix falling asleep- genius!! 
  • Shame to see Hugh Jackman miss out on Best Actor. Don’t think Daniel Day Lewis really needed another Oscar- greedy!
  • Had fun with my little niece last week, who is now 7 months old.
  • Saw “Flight” at the cinema- another amazing Denzel Washington performance. Great film.
  • Still not working, but am constantly thinking about what-on-earth I’m going to do to earn money. I’m currently ruling out a regular job at the moment, as it just never works out for me. Maybe that’s a mind programme I need to change.
  • Found a massive, enclosed field where we can let our rescue dog off the lead. This is a miracle as we’ve never been able to let her run free before- she’s always run off. We’ve found a secret weapon in her squeaky ball and some chicken!!
  • Favourite stuff on TV at the moment- The Following, Revenge, Got to Dance, Girls and looking forward to series three of Game of Thrones. Hoorah!!

Related post: Take Back Your Power