Tag Archives: Self Bullying

Loving the Inner Child

I have been aware of the need to love the inner child for many years , through my own reading and research on how to overcome my childhood issues. It is only in the last few months that I have really noticed a difference in the way I have related to this part of myself in a more loving, nurturing way.

About a month ago, I purchased some new piano music to try after streaming the album online. I picked a few pieces and found them to be extremely difficult. I usually pride myself on spending lots of time working through difficult pieces to improve my playing, but these were so difficult as to not really provide much pleasure in even small improvements. At first I found myself exceptionally angry and frustrated.

“I should be able to play it!”

“Why can’t I play it?!”

“I must be a lot worse at piano than I thought!”

“I’m so rubbish. I’ll never be good enough.” (Notice how this then became a generalisation to my whole self!)

By this point I was really grumpy and about to let the frustration spoil my evening, so I decided to take myself off into our bedroom to meditate, to see if I could work through this.

Well, very quickly after relaxing into meditation I became aware of the barking voice of my old deputy headmistress from my primary school-

“You stupid child, why can’t you do it? Everybody else can do it, why can’t you? Are you an idiot?”

These words were never directed at me, but there were a certain few classmates who bore the brunt of the abuse over the years. She was an absolute dragon! I’d honestly forgotten about her, but during this meditation I realised my inner child hadn’t! She was still absolutely terrified of her, and had taken on the belief that she must be absolutely flawless to avoid this type of verbal attack. She was devastated for her classmates, but also just terrified by the insane rage of this woman. My inner child thought that this was normal and what was deserved. She didn’t know that this kind of verbal attack was abusive, and cruel, and that the only one in the wrong was the headmistress.

I honestly felt true compassion for my inner child in that moment. I wanted to protect her and shout back at the headmistress. I knew I was capable of being just as fierce! I wanted to pick up little Rachel, and comfort her. So in my mind I did. I told her that she was in no way deserving of this kind of bullying, that she was loved and protected, she had done absolutely nothing wrong, and the headmistress was a cruel human being who would probably lose her job now. The primary school was a very strict Catholic school and was big on the shaming approach. You will go to hell if you’re disobedient- that kind of thing. That seriously screws you up when you’re so young, sensitive, and vulnerable. There were also incidents of teachers smacking misbehaving kids over their knee in front of the whole class. I remember this clearly. We were only 4 or 5.

This might sound trivial to some people, but being such a highly sensitive individual, and so desperate to please everybody, I was extremely affected. No wonder I always want to be so bloody perfect at art and music, and life in general. The headmistress’s bullying voice became my own bullying voice, in a bid to protect myself from public shaming. If I could bully myself into the desired behaviour/performance/achievement, then I would get there before the she would- hence avoiding a verbal assault in front of my peers.

Anyway, after soothing my inner child whilst in meditation, I did start to feel much more loved, calmer, and I cared much less about the difficult piano pieces. Insanely difficult. I was expecting too much, and reminded myself of the other hard pieces I had learned, and how much I loved playing them. Loving playing is the most important part.

I was proud of myself for noticing my anger that evening, and for having the presence of mind to stop myself, and say “hey, let’s sort this out before it ruins the whole evening. What is going on here that is making me feel so angry? How am I treating myself?”

I am grateful that some higher guidance hooked me up with a very good reason why I was feeling so much fear, and that I was able to soothe my inner child. To begin to feel this kind of protectiveness for her, this love and compassion, is quite a breakthrough for me, so I am very thankful! I’m sure there will be much more work with her to come!

Emerging Shadow Aspects of the Soul

Working with shadow parts is always something that makes me feel apprehensive, even though I know it shouldn’t as it is just the lower vibrational aspects of our soul arising to be released.

It is scary when I find out things about myself that I really don’t like. Knowing that they need love and healing helps a little. Also observing them rather than attaching to them helps to quell any judgement of myself that naturally stirs.

Just because we know how we don’t want to feel or be, doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t feel those things or have those aspects in our personalities.

Recently I’ve been noticing cowardly parts of myself. Actually that’s quite a judgemental word, I think I prefer fearful. I’ve noticed that I am far too happy to stay indoors and away from people in light of the current coronavirus outbreak. Things have just ramped up a notch here in the UK, and we’re now told to only go out for essential purposes.

At the moment this hasn’t bothered me one bit. I love being at home, it’s peaceful to me, and in my current recovery from Coeliacs Disease I still have little energy (an earlier boost a few weeks ago has unfortunately subsided). I am an introvert at heart, but one who needs and loves being around people in small doses.

The new imposed limits in contact have awoken in me a realisation that I am greatly relieved to have an excuse not to socialise. Like seriously relieved! This really surprised me. I’ve always been aware that I’m very socially anxious, but I didn’t realise by how much, or how much it has been affecting me.

What scares me so much about socialising with other people?

I find it all too intense. Other people’s energy seems very “loud” if that makes any sense to you? I feel very overwhelmed by it very quickly. At some point I even questioned if I have Aspergers. I certainly fit some of the criteria, but not enough for a diagnosis I don’t think.

The overwhelm doesn’t just come from the other people, but also the environment we are in: noise, visuals, other energies around us.

But even in a peaceful environment, one-on-one with a friend, I can only manage a small amount of time before I feel overstimulated.

I am constantly aware of how the other person sees me, perceives, judges. I am constantly monitoring myself and them for signs of doing something socially inappropriate or upsetting to someone.

No wonder I get so overstimulated, and fearful also. I put myself under a microscope and am super-conscious of everything I do.

Exploring my fear has helped me judge myself less. I almost feel I am observing a frightened child, one who hasn’t managed to learn how to accommodate her sensitivities, and judges herself harshly for not fitting in, and not wanting to socialise. It feels easier to be kinder and compassionate towards her.

I find online friendships helpful. They create a little bit of distance and I like that I can reply in writing, which I can take more time over, and am not in a situation I find pressurising.

This social anxiety has greatly impacted my ability to hold down a regular job, coupled with bipolar. I think when the anxiety is all the time, everyday at a job, and I am constantly exhausted from it, that is when the mood swings kick in and bipolar cycles begin and escalate.

I wonder if part of me, maybe part of my ancestral karma, is extremely judgemental of mental illness. It shocks me to think so, but I feel emotional at this realisation, which makes me think there is some truth in it.

It’s slightly horrifying seeing as mental health conditions are so rife in my family.

Perhaps we have ancestors or past lives that involve severe judgement or abuse of the mentally ill. Of course I seriously hope not, but there is definitely part of me that judges myself harshly for not being “normal” (I don’t see others’ mental health issues in this way at all) and sometimes I think I do bully myself. I feel ashamed that I’ve always found adulthood extremely difficult- dealing with a job, plus housework, cooking, washing etc. In fact the last three alone I find challenging enough.

I feel ashamed when people ask me “so what do you do Rachel?”. I never know what to say really. I don’t have a job. At the moment I don’t use my time very wisely either- too much TV and internet, not enough writing, art, piano and flute. I think I do try and bully myself into doing them, which inevitably makes me not want to do them. I’m extremely judgemental of myself when I do participate and am a perfectionist. Not much fun!

Then on top of all that I feel like I’m putting myself into a position of powerlessness by attaching to beliefs about being a victim.

I just can’t win! 😂

So, it would appear I need to do a whole lot of release of judgement, and a whole lot of forgiveness. I know these things take time, and it happens in baby steps. I’ve identified the problem, so now I can do something about it by being much more compassionate with myself, much kinder and gentler. One step at a time.

It’s funny. I asked my husband once what he most loved about me and he said that I am kind and caring. Not to myself it would seem, but hopefully I will be able to turn those qualities inwards.

N.B It has occurred to me that just by acknowledging and accepting our shadow qualities, we are being courageous.

The Worst Days

***** TRIGGER WARNING***** (Self-harm).

Today has been the worst day I’ve had in about 10 months.

It’s 7.30pm and I’m finally out of bed and showered.

I slept all day.

I didn’t want to get up.

I thought about self-harming a lot. (But didn’t).

I felt huge surges of aggression towards myself.

I know I’m turning a whole load of anger in on myself.

I got angry at the weekend but didn’t express it- this is what happens when you don’t deal with it when it comes up.

I feel like I’m rejecting this part of myself. I find it so hard to love and accept.

I’m feeling a little better tonight, but my movements and thinking have gone slow again.

I’ll feel better tomorrow.
I’ll feel better tomorrow.
I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Little Me and The Angel

Yesterday I felt depressed. It had been building for a few days.

Before bed I decided to face up to the message in the sadness.

I asked my inner child, Little Me, what was wrong.

She replied that I hadn’t been listening to her needs- for fun, laughter, creativity, drawing, colours, play, adventure, and exploration.

I told her I was so sorry.

She also told me that she felt very sad about things that had happened (when I was younger) and that I was bullying, ignoring, criticizing, judging and belittling her-everytime I spoke to myself harshly. She said she felt scared and that she could never do anything right.

So I held her in my arms and told her how sorry I was and that I would be so much more loving and nurturing of her.

My guardian angel came very close then and sent delicate shivers up and down my back- she was helping me to release toxins and low energies that remained from painful experiences in my childhood. I felt so loved.

My guardian angel guided me to set up protection around myself and my inner child, and to draw the following pictures to cement the protection in my energetic field.

Before she left, she blessed me and lit up my inner child in golden light. I was guided to place Little Me in my heart and surround her with love.

This morning I woke up feeling so much more energized. Little Me was bouncing to get going.

I am so thankful to my guardian angel and to myself for taking the time to ask Little Me what was wrong and to actually listen.

Little Me with my childhood dog- Sam in the centre of the bubbles. My guardian angel behind me. The bubbles are my aura, which is gold and purple- protective colours. Protective angels surround.

Little Me with my childhood dog- Sam in the centre of the bubbles. My guardian angel behind me. The bubbles are my aura, which is gold and purple- protective colours. Protective angels surround.

Close-up of Little Me and my Guardian Angel.

Close-up of Little Me and my Guardian Angel.




Self-Forgiveness: A Work in Progress


This time last year I was despairing of ever being able to forgive myself for what I saw as a life tangled in a massive web of “mistakes”, “bad” decisions and “appalling” behaviour: all linked to Bipolar.

I felt trapped beneath a gigantic pile of rocks, each one representing some “awful” fault or personality deficit.

I was desperate to find forgivenesss for myself as well as some semblance of self-care and self-love.

I always thought that self-forgiveness would come in an instant- like lightening: an epiphany.

Now I realise it takes time and patience, as well as the consistent intention to heal, love and accept myself for who I am.

For the last 8 months I’ve been reflecting, meditating and journalling my way through my feelings and at last I am beginning to feel forgiveness for myself and such wonderful love.

Spiritual Development and Bringing in The Light.ID-10065098

Spiritual Development classes have been a life-saver. I’ve learnt that every single one of us is loved unconditionally by Spirit- and I have felt this love when “bringing in the light” during meditation.

This beautiful heart-warming feeling spreads through and around you. It is wonderfully healing.

You can feel this for yourself too:

– Just be still, breathe deeply. Feel your feet heavy on the ground.

– Feel your heart opening- like a beautiful pink rose bud coming into flower.

– Feel the divine, loving light building here. To me it feels unconditionally loving, warm and very safe.

– Allow the love and light to wash through your entire body, out into the space around you.

– Feel your feet on the floor again and the light spreading below them, into the ground.

Magic & Miracles.ID-10023748

Performing this exercise everyday has worked wonders for me. It’s amazing what inner wisdom you can tap into through this exercise too. Once your heart is open, you can receive divinely guided ideas which just pop into your head out of nowhere- it may just feel like normal thoughts or imagination, but it usually has a warm, loving feeling about it, or generates excitement and inspiration. If you listen to the guidance and follow it through, magic and miracles can occur!

Reframing Beliefs

Reframing my beliefs about past events has also helped enormously.

I’ve realised that eruptions of Bipolar symptoms are usually Spirit trying to tell me that something needs to change in my life or that I’m not listening, being still and following my inner guidance. Emotions are one of the ways we receive divine guidance. We are not here to suffer in this world. Spirit wants us to be happy, joyous and full of love for life. This is our natural state of being- our birthright.

By using Bipolar symptoms as a guide we can honestly follow our true path in life, which is the path to joy, fulfilment and abundance.


For example:

One of my most traumatic Bipolar experiences was a few years ago. Basically I lashed out at a stranger after they insulted me. She called the police.

I was in a state of shock for months afterwards. I found it practically impossible to forgive myself for. I was forever talking to myself as if I were absolute scum. I thought I deserved to suffer. I gave up on myself and I genuinely believe my soul was as far out of my body as it could get! It didn’t want to be here anymore.

But over the last 8 months I’ve begun to see this event as a pivotal turning point in my life. I realised I was becoming a person I did not like- or even recognise. I wasn’t ME- I wasn’t expressing and living as my true self.



It is much easier to begin the process of self-forgiveness once you can understand why events like this happened.

I attracted people into my life who abused me- because I was abusing myself! I was subconsciously sending out the message “use and abuse me- I deserve it”!

My thoughts about myself are changing all the time. I still have negative thoughts about myself, but I think I’m quicker to notice and change them. The positive thoughts are becoming the majority!

It really does take conscious, consistent effort, but it is not difficult. Just start with the intention to forgive and love yourself.


In order to develop self-love and self-forgiveness, I would recommend the following:

– Spiritual/Personal Development classes. (You do not have to be religious for this, or even necessarily believe in God).

– Meditation- bringing in the Divine Light of unconditional love.

– Thought awareness. Consciously choosing loving, positive thoughts about yourself.

– Look closely at events you find difficult to forgive yourself for: what was the message behind the event? What have you learnt from it?

Kindness, kindness and more kindness towards yourself!

– Remember that YOU are your number one priority in life- nobody else!


Bach Flower Remedies that may aid Self-Forgiveness

Pine: easing feelings of guilt. Helps to see and accept past mistakes and let them go.

Willow: easing resentments. Helps to deliberately focus on the positive rather than the negative.

Chestnut Bud: helps to learn from past mistakes.

Rock Water: help to release unrealistically high expectations of self. Helps to find joy and inner peace.

Related Posts: You Are Amazing!; Self-Forgiveness; A Little More Self-Forgiveness; Bach Flower Remedies; Being Hard on Ourselves; Return of the Sneaky Bully Voice; A Letter to a Bully.

Photo Credits: freedigitalphotos.net.

A Letter to a Bully

To the Bully,

You scared me. You belittled me. You made me feel inferior, like a slave. I spent far too much of my time trying to please you in order to gain your approval. I didn’t realise that you didn’t give a shit about me. I worried and fretted about your anger, aggression and spite. I didn’t understand that there are people in the world who are only out for themselves. You were so skilled at pretending to be someone’s friend and then stabbing them in the back.

You raged and shouted- blaming your whole sorry existence and misery on a few of us gentle ones. I thought I wasn’t good enough, but it was you who projected this onto me. You are filled with rage and pain. I felt it every time I was in a room with you- you loved to share it out with us. I tried my best to understand you and be compassionate. I did my very best. I now know that there are people in the world who cannot love other people. I couldn’t even comprehend this at the time- it was completely foreign to me. You enjoy inflicting misery and pain: it gives you security.

But now I am beginning to see the gifts you’ve given me. You helped me to wake up to the misery I was living in everyday at work, and to see that I was desperately trying to be something I wasn’t. I will never feel alive working in an office for a company only out to make money. I will never be trendy and with the “in” crowd. I was never cared about in a group I truly thought were friends, but turned out to be completely dysfunctional. Friends can be toxic.

You’ve shown me my magnificent side. Your hatred of my talents and strengths have just spurred me on to cherish them and change my life. I don’t want to be like you. I can’t believe I spent so much time and energy getting you to like me. It’s quite funny really!!

I feel sorry that you are lonely and have no love in your life- only the vague illusion of it. You’d have liked me to be an alcoholic, go clubbing, to have no relationship and be stupid. It is sad that you feel the need to be around others you judge to be inferior just so you can feel better about yourself. Now I hope that one day you will see the love and light in life and that you don’t have to spend your time in misery.

I forgive myself for my anger towards you, and for judging you. I remember to see the gifts you have given me.

I needed to quit my job. I’m happy I did. I need time to heal and to learn to be and love myself just as I am. I don’t want to feel ashamed to be me. I don’t want to feel ashamed to be successful. I don’t want to be so damn scared of being judged and criticised by others. To be ashamed of myself as a person is one of the cruelest things I could do to myself. Perhaps I was the real bully in allowing myself to be abused by others.


To the Other Bully: Me

I’m sorry I made you small.

I’m sorry I told you that you are wrong to be you, that you are faulty and a freak.

I’m sorry I told you that you shouldn’t be yourself.

I’m sorry I denied you.

I’m sorry I made you say yes, when you screamed no! at the top of your lungs.

I’m sorry I made you say no, when you ached to say yes.

I’m sorry I made you believe the bullies were right.

I’m sorry I let others treat you like shit.

I’m sorry I hated you for not fitting in.

I’m sorry I forced you to be someone you’re not.

I’m sorry I’ve gagged and bound you, hidden you from the world.

I’m sorry I didn’t let you feel what was natural to feel.

I’m sorry I haven’t let you fly.

I’m sorry for abusing and ridiculing you when you became depressed and anxious.

I’m sorry for trapping you in a life you hated.

I’m sorry I felt disgusted and repelled by you.

I’m sorry I didn’t protect you from harsh people and environments.

I’m sorry I made other people superior to you.

You are beautiful, creative, intelligent and full of love for others and for life. Remember and believe this.

You are free to fly…













Photo Credits: Gulls flying by tungphoto via freedigitalphotos.net; Letter by Simon Howden via freedigitalphotos.net.

Bipolar & Self-Hatred

Sounds a really depressing title doesn’t it? Well that’s because it’s gonna be a depressing post! That’s your official warning over.

Slipped back into serious depression over the last week. Had a bad panic attack on Thursday afternoon when I managed to lock myself out of the house.

Thoughts currently going through head:

– You’ll never ever be good enough.
– God’s fed up with giving you second chances, he’s given up on you.
– You’ll never complete your life purpose, you can’t even do the easy things in life.
– I hate you, I don’t want to be with you anymore.

Think these thoughts were increased after going to a relative’s house. A 30 year old lady is staying with them. She’s attractive, slim, rich and a solicitor. She had a huge silver Lexus parked on the driveway.

I’ll never make it like that. How can people have a career and be successful in this way? I feel so jealous and hate myself for giving up my teaching degree. I could have been something. Why do I have to have this effing Bipolar crap? I hate it so much. I hate being this. I’m a jealous, angry, bitter, hopeless, pointless mess of a person. I should just die.

But right now I’m gonna try and take my own advice from my last post on Self-Acceptance. I’m going to remember that there are different kinds of success. I’m going to see this hateful, bullying side of my personality, see the fear that is it’s driving force…and send it love.

Gonna need all the luck in the world, coz right now I’m feeling anything but loving.

But I’m trying…..

A blog post by the brilliant Dr Wayne Dyer:

Embrace the Challenge in Adversity

“If you shield the mountain from the wind storms, you never see the beauty of the carvings.”

On Death and Dying author Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

(Image courtesy of Evgeni Dinev/freedigitalphotos.net)

(Top image courtesy of Now and Zen Photography/freedigitalphotos.net)

Bipolar Disorder- The Inner Bully.

Song of the Day: Crazy in Love by Beyonce (just been dancing to this on Wii Just Dance 2- lots of fun)

I think one of the things I remember most from depression is the constant self-blame and hatred of myself. Coming from a place of relative stability I can now see from a different perspective what was going on in my head. At the time I could only see these thoughts as my normal way of living- it didn’t seem like anything was really different in my head to how it would usually be. Now I can see how severely depression can influence your thoughts and what is going on in the mind.

I think everyone who suffers from depression has different issues they criticize and bully themselves about. Mine were usually the same for every episode and consisted of the following:

– Beating myself up for quitting university and
not having an amazing career.

– Being so out of control with my eating habits- bingeing on sugar almost everyday.

– Being lazy and not doing anything productive.

– Being a burden on my partner who pretty much supports me financially and for relying on benefits/welfare.

– Being so grumpy and irritable.

This all leads to the same old despairing thoughts:

– I’m not good enough.
– I can’t live like this.
– I’m a waste of space.
– I’m such a burden.
– If I don’t look slim and beautiful I might as well not be here.
– I’m such a horrible person, I hate myself.
– Why would anyone want to be with me.
Etc, etc.

At the time I was depressed I honestly couldn’t see these thoughts as being a symptom of the illness. They seemed so real, I believed every word. Cognitive behavioural therapy was some help- trying to change thought patterns to more nurturing, supportive ones, such as remembering all your achievements when you can only see failure. Whilst attending the group this did seem to help, but as soon as the group finished it was difficult to motivate myself to keep up the work. I think attending the group also provides something even more important- a supportive environment from healthy people who can model a normal, healthy way of being, and from those who are also suffering and can completely see where you’re coming from. Sometimes I found myself using the group leader’s calming voices in my head to help when I was feeling low.

I really believe depression turns you into a bully- a bully to yourself. But it’s the kind of manipulative bully who is lovely to everyone else, but evil towards you- that way nobody can see that this person is really a bully. Instead they just think you’re making it up. This is how I felt a lot- that people would just think I was making everything up to claim benefits and an easy, laze-about lifestyle. I really, really believed this! I always tried as hard as possible to mask my depression to others; I didn’t want to burden others or for them to see my “weakness”, they wouldn’t understand. But in reality, so many people I know have suffered with depression at one time or another, that I think I could have gained a lot more understanding than I originally thought by being more open and not TRYING to be normal.

Looking back, I used to try so so hard to “cure” myself. I would try to read as much as possible from self-help sections to try and increase motivation and fitness and happiness. Some of the titles make me laugh now:
“Seven Days to Happiness”
“Confidence in ten days”
Like anyone can get happy in a week just by following a book- you’d have to be mega mega dedicated!

I think all this TRYING did me more harm than good. In essence I was telling myself that I was flawed and needed to be fixed- it made me focus more on any “flaw” therefore I became more and more self-critical about it. Now if I could go back to myself crying on the bedroom floor, despairing that I was absolutely no good, I would say this to myself:

“Yes the depression is real, you’re not making it up. It is an illness and it’s not your fault. Nothing is your fault. Let the depression in, give in to it, stop trying to change yourself. You are whole and a perfectly imperfect human just the way you are. The universe loves you and wants you here. Give in to the feelings of hopelessness and despair, don’t fight it, coz it will fight even harder back. Just cry it all out and get a hug from someone- anyone, I bet they’ll surprise you and be lovely to you. You are worth looking after. You are prescious. Rest, take care of yourself. Now go and crawl into that duvet on the sofa and watch Friends for the umpteenth time! And if you want a chocolate bar, eat a chocolate bar. If you want to ring that friend but are too worried that you’ll be a burden, ring them- people love to help other people. You are cared for and loved. The horrible feelings will not last forever, tomorrow you will feel a bit better. Soon the world will be bright again.”

Saying this may be easy now- but I don’t know if I’d have accepted it at the time, but I genuinely do now. I hope that maybe it can help someone else.