Tag Archives: spirituality

New Post on The Light Sanctuary

New video on my sister-site, The Light Sanctuary:

Meditation: Sending Light into the World

 

 

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Fear, and Steven Spielberg.

ID-10035460I’ve been doing way too much thinking recently- probably worrying more like! It strikes me how small my world is- I’ve let it shrink because I’ve been afraid. There are things I’ve legitimately let go of because they just didn’t work in my life, but there are also things I’ve given up on because they were scary and uncomfortable, even though I could see my world becoming more colourful and, well….bigger!

Spiritual Development Group: A Legitimate Letting Go?

For example, at the beginning of the year I began a Spiritual Development Group in my home. In total I had 3 people join. This was as I was expecting as there is not much call for these kind of groups- they’re pretty specialist. During the group sessions, I taught a bit about chakras and some of the meditation techniques, then we’d do a relaxation and practice the meditation techniques. After that we might do oracle readings for each other, or I’d teach more about Bach Flower Remedies or Crystals.

I really did enjoy the teaching part.

What I didn’t enjoy was the organisation and anxiety. I never knew who and how many people were coming, and for someone who is a little bit of a control freak, this was a little bit scary. I worried that one person might turn up and I’d have to do a one on one session for the small group price (one on one can be intense), or that they’d be two, and that wouldn’t really be enough. I’d only really be happy if there were 3-5 members there. I didn’t like people missing any teaching as I’d have to go over it next time. That was annoying. Then I worried that I wasn’t good enough, that I was a fraud. I worried that someone would attribute any poor health that came their way to my sessions, and then sue me. I worried that other people thought I was weird and that they were laughing at me behind my back.

I one of the group members challenging- her energy was very strong and I felt uncomfortable around her,

I basically worried and worried. Then that worrying blocked my connection with Spirit- I wasn’t trusting Spirit, or hearing what I needed to know for the classes. Then I worried about this! It would have gone on forever.

I cancelled the group. I was spending so much time worrying that I lost faith in myself and also questioned my enjoyment and whether or not it was the right thing for me to be doing at this time.

Did I legitimately cancel the group? I think so. It really wasn’t working for me and it didn’t feel quite right. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time. I didn’t feel a love for it.

ID-10061849Teaching Music

At around the same time, I also stepped out of my comfort zone to teach flute. A teacher who was moving away had recommended me as a suitable replacement for her to a few of her pupils.

Of course I worried about this too! I questioned my skills as a flautist, and whether I’d get on with the pupil. I’d never taught flute before! I felt more confident about my teaching skills as I think I’ve been building these up over the years. I really do enjoy teaching.

Anyway- I loved it! My pupil was wonderful too and we’ve had a successful 9 months together so far.

But I still get a bit scared! Every time we have a lesson I’ll be a bit nervous beforehand. It’s still a bit scary. But I love it, so I push through! I think the fear is of the unknown, and how the lesson will progress, or fear that I’ll somehow mess up. The unknown isn’t controllable or certain. It’s about trusting the process, trusting my skills, trusting my pupil, and trusting Spirit.

ID-1007068Spielberg.

It was Steven Spielberg who got me thinking about this today, or rather an interview with him on the documentary ‘Spielberg’.

He was talking about how he still felt anxious before he went to shoot a scene with a room full of actors and crew. He didn’t know how the shoot would go, or what problems he’d encounter and how he’d solve them.

I couldn’t believe this!! Hollywood mega-giant Steven Spielberg felt frightened initially when going on set to shoot a new scene! He’s a directing genius, a directing god!! How on earth could he possibly be frightened!! Wow!!

He went on to say that he liked this fear- it was a good fear. He said if he felt comfortable and confident about what he was shooting then he didn’t strive to go that extra distance, or put in that extra bit of energy. He tried harder. He said he produced his best work when he felt this fear, even panic! It was like he had made friends with it. He loved what he was doing so much that he pushed through. He trusted Spirit/the Universe. He trusted himself and his crew. He trusted that his fear was going to help him as, of course, it did and still does.

A Bigger World!

Steven Spielberg’s world gets bigger every time he trusts and creates. My world has gotten pretty small and I want to expand it! I want to trust and to believe and to be brave. I want to create a more magical world for myself- one where I create everyday, and bring out the world that is inside me- bring out the heaven in my mind and give it life on earth.

I am learning to trust, and I am learning to be brave.

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My Magical World

 

 

The Empath: Extreme Sensitivity

ID-100126946A few years ago I wrote a guest post about Bipolar Disorder and High Sensitivity for the website Mental Health Talk.

It’s been interesting to read it back to myself. I realise I’ve changed my views slightly since then- mainly that I no longer see bipolar disorder as an illness:

“From here onwards in my blog I am going to use the term “Bipolar Disorder” only to describe behaviours that have been grouped accordingly by psychiatrists. So the term will henceforth appear in italics. I no longer believe I have Bipolar Disorder, but am a completely whole individual, 100% healthy, but who just requires a different lifestyle to maintain balance.”

From my blog post Abraham Hicks Part 1: Bipolar Disorder

I believe I was diagnosed as bipolar due to the fact that I am extremely sensitive and it is this which has caused major life challenges for me, coupled with reaction to chronic trauma throughout my infancy through to adulthood.

I definitely relate to Elaine Aron’s perception of the Highly Sensitive Person: somebody who is more sensitive to stimulation from environmental cues, as well as more easily overwhelmed. For more in depth discussion on this, please see my article Bipolar Disorder and High Sensitivity.

But I’ve also never felt that this fully describes the deeper extreme sensitivity that I feel. The only term I’ve ever found to explain this is Empath.


PeacockEmpaths: Energy Sensitivity.

My understanding of the term Empath is a person who is extremely sensitive to the emotions and energy of other people and the environment.

Being a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP, has never explained how I can become overwhelmed by somebody else’s sadness or joy. I don’t just imagine it, I feel it. It’s as if I can merge myself with them and actually feel the emotion they are going through.

Without an awareness of this, therefore no skills or training in managing this energy sensitivity, it is no wonder that I got diagnosed as having bipolar disorder as my emotions were all over the place!! I could take on suicidal depressions, raging anger, irritability- any emotion and it probably didn’t originate from me!

It is not just being around an angry person that may cause me to feel their anger- which I often experience as a very fearful defence. Anger or any emotions can hang around in the environment. For example- if work colleagues in a meeting have just had a heated discussion about an issue that has generated frustration and anger- the anger and intense emotions can hang about as a cloud of energy in the room. So when I enter the room I immediately feel the intensity and chaos of emotion- it’s like the molecules in the air change. That’s how it feels to me.

Learning to defend myself against these energies and protect myself is a massive ongoing project. A big part of this is clearing my energy so that I release any energy that does not belong to me. It’s kind of like an energetic shower! Since working on these skills, I have noticed a definite improvement in my mood changes and ability to remain balanced and peaceful.

In my opinion there are many people out there who experience energies in this way who have no idea that they are being affected massively by other people’s emotions. They turn up in doctor’s offices with depression and anxiety that could be cleared and managed on an energetic level. It is empowering to realise you can take back control of your emotional experiences, rather than experiencing your emotions as out of control and running away with you.

Empathy as a GiftID-10023748

Once on the road to managing and balancing energetic sensitivity, it is possible to use this skill in a way that helps other people. Being able to feel how somebody else is feeling, but also being able to clear it away when necessary, can help you relate to somebody else’s experience and help you develop as an effective counsellor.

But it can be taken further to a psychic level.

As well as experiencing the energy of other people, you may be able to read their aura. It is possible to get a sense of what they like, what is going on in their life, what they spend their time thinking about etc. You may receive visual images or words in your mind, or feel a sense of what they are like as a person.

This is not only possible with living people, but we also pick up on energy of beings in spirit. We may receive images/thoughts/feelings from spirits who may be trying to communicate with us, or again, they may leave an environment in a cloud of feeling, like anger or fear. Think of visiting an old haunted house- any feelings of the place being creepy and unnerving are completely valid, as the spirit is likely to be fearful or angry.

As well as more negative energies, we can also communicate with higher energies- those in spirit who are peaceful and loving, as well as guides, and angel energies. This is such a beautiful experience and so worth developing and spending time on. I’ll definitely write more this in future as it is an important part of my life now. There are many benefits to connecting with loved ones in spirit, as well as guides- you receive so much love and support, as well as guidance and wisdom. To know we are not alone and are always supported and championed is so comforting and uplifting!

We learn to control who we interact with through intention. I always have the intention to work with the higher energies only. This can lead us to become really great healers.

But again, if you have been picking up on the energies of spirits as well as the living- no wonder your emotions are rocked around tumultuously!

ButterflyIs an Empath born or made?

I don’t know for sure!

My understanding is that we can be born highly sensitive. Due to that sensitivity we may be more likely to experience events and daily living (that other people cope with easily) as traumatic, or experience extreme trauma. Trauma would then increase our sensitivity as we are always ‘switched on’, scanning the environment for potential trouble so that we are able to control what we can in order to avoid any threat- for example, conflict. This is called hypervigilance. We are so tuned in to other people’s wellbeing, emotions, and our environment that we are basically practicing being even more sensitive without realising. We become so good at it that we enter the realms of being an empath.

So basically I think that Highly Sensitive People are born, and that trauma can create an empath from a Highly Sensitive Person.

This is just a theory that feels right to me.

To me it explains why I have found it so difficult to function in the world. Everybody else seems to get along with life so easily, whilst I have felt tossed about by every little thing in the environment. But knowing that I can have mastery over this energy sensitivity is so empowering. I can take back control and learn to use this as something positive in my life.

Being labelled as bipolar is so disempowering, that suddenly realising that actually you are experiencing energies as an empath can feel very exciting! Due to our sensitivity it could trigger a burst of positive high vibration energy, which is important to manage through your awareness of it, by staying grounded, and working on staying peaceful and centred. More on this in a future post!

It is easy to see being an empath as something quite special, which it is, but it does not mean we are in any way better than anybody else. Some people are good at carpentry, some at sport, we’re good at being empaths!

There is so much more to this topic which I’d like to explore in future!

Related Posts

Bipolar Disorder and High Sensitivity – my guest blog post on Mental Health Talk.

Bipolar: Your Mood May Not Be Your Own – guest post on Mental Health Talk.

Absorbing Others’ Energy – a fascinating and very useful video by Ralph Smart.

You’re So Sensitive

Hypomania and Grounding

Depression and Grounding

Grounding for Emotional Wellbeing – a video featuring a meditation exercise to help you to ground yourself.

 

 

 

 

Abraham Hicks Part 1: Bipolar Disorder

From here onwards in my blog I am going to use the term “Bipolar Disorder” only to describe behaviours that have been grouped accordingly by psychiatrists. So the term will henceforth appear in italics. I no longer believe I have Bipolar Disorder, but am a completely whole individual, 100% healthy, but who just requires a different lifestyle to maintain balance.

My beliefs have been shaped after reading the books of Esther and Jerry Hicks, such as:

The Law of Attraction

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I have written on this topic before (What is Bipolar Disorder? Abraham Hicks: A Conversation), so please forgive any repetition.

Esther Hicks “channels” a collective consciousness of higher intelligence and spiritual vibration known as Abraham.

I find the teachings of Abraham to be enlightening and greatly improve my perception of Bipolar Disorder and of myself.

I’ve been watching numerous You Tube videos of Esther channeling Abraham; one in particular caught my attention, and the following paragraphs are basically my notes on it! See the link below for the video:

This particular video contains Abraham’s definition of Bipolar Disorder:

“Powerful energy coming forth into a physical body, with strong current flowing the day you hit the ground. In other words: powerful energy flowing through you. Born into an environment of unusual control.”

This resonates so strongly with me!! Yes, I do have strong energy! Yes I was brought up in an environment of unusual control, notably with very strict, rigid parenting and schooling (an old fashioned Roman Catholic School who still used mild corporal punishment- smacking). I was not allowed to be myself!! I had so much energy to dance, draw, sing, explore, learn, and strong emotions too- but I wasn’t allowed to make a mess, or a noise, or get in the way with dancing, or get muddy, or be angry!! Like many children of course!

But when you see it from the point of view of having strong current flowing through you- well, I see it like a bouncy ball having been trapped in a box once given momentum: it would just keep bouncing from wall to wall to wall. We have all this energy, but walls are put up in every direction.

So when we can’t express this strong current, we get frustrated and angry and bounce off one wall, then if we can’t express the anger due to disapproval and punishment, we bounce over to depression. Our true self is never allowed to be expressed. Being our true self is described by Abraham as being in alignment with Divine Source energy- we are flowing with all that is right and natural.

The way in which mania fits in is described, amusingly, in the video by Abraham:

“If you didn’t eat for about a week and someone turned up with a pizza, we’d see mania.”

It makes so much sense!!

If we haven’t been able to express ourselves as we truly are, with this strong current of energy, in a way that feels natural and flowing and in alignment with Source, then we are literally starving ourselves!

So when we finally allow ourselves some creativity- it feels amazing!! We have all this enthusiasm bubbling up inside us- loads of positive energy which is in alignment with source…..so off we go, ravenous with hunger for being in alignment!!

But then when we start fearing that the wonderful feelings will not last, or we feel unworthy of the gifts we have or just scared that we’re out of control- that is enough to send us spiralling down into depression.

To feel that the experiences and strong, strong emotions and reactions I have lived with are actually completely natural is so freeing. I no longer feel that something is WRONG with me!

So how do we reduce all this bouncing around and allow ourselves to be more balanced?

What does it feel like to be connected with Source energy and be in alignment?

Why have we been labelled with the diagnosis Bipolar Disorder?

I’m going to answer these questions in further posts!!

 

Related Posts

What is Bipolar Disorder? Abraham Hicks: A Conversation.

Why Depression? (The Law of Attraction).

Bipolar Disorder as Spiritual Awakening

 

 

 

 

Grenfell Tower: A Shaken Faith

On Wednesday the UK was shaken by it’s fourth major tragedy this year. We’ve had two terrorist attacks in London, one in Manchester, and now the Grenfell Tower fire in London, which looks like it will have claimed the lives of more than the previous three events combined.

Today I posted on Facebook:

” The difference in the response on my Facebook feed to the Grenfell Tower disaster compared with the recent terrorist attacks is huge. It is so much easier for us to blame tragedy on a group full of hate for us, than our own government and systems. Is our unity in grief only restricted to white people? Really, in 2017? It is highly likely the death toll from Grenfell Tower will exceed 60, according to the press. This is greater than the number of those killed in all three terrorist attacks in Britain so far this year. The people of Grenfell tower are British citizens too. They are human too. They feel the same suffering. It is events like this that shake my faith, but I know all I can do is pray for those whose lives have been shaken to the core. I hope that the voice given to the people of Grenfell Tower will finally be listened to, and that this will be the start of greater equality in the UK. We are all one people.”

What I wrote doesn’t really compare with the anger I feel inside, that this kind of thing can even happen.

I am usually all about finding the grace and love of God in all things. But this tragedy has shaken my faith. I feel so angry with God. Why did You let this happen? Something so horrific. The terror and pain these people endured is more than I can bare thinking about. Why weren’t You there? Why didn’t You stop it?

Most of the books I read on spiritual topics describe the angels if God as unable to intervene in our lives unless we ask them too, or a fixed plan made before we incarnated has been predetermined and must not be altered.

I do believe this, but it is so far removed from the suffering endured- it is difficult to integrate. The angels can see, God can see.

I can only hope that those killed or badly injured passed out very quickly, so as not to feel pain, and that those who have crossed over are given as much help as possible by God and the angels to heal.

I don’t understand. I’ll probably never understand and my analytical brain doesn’t like that. But I have to let this go, or it will eat me up inside.

Dear God,

Thank you for surrounding those affected by the Grenfell Tower fire in love and light. Thank you for the abundant healing and aid. Thank you for the fantastic emergency services in this country who help save lives.

Thank you for helping our country become more unified, and equality among the rich and poor, and those of different faiths and nations, be vastly improved. Thank you that good may come from this.

Thank you for helping me to be at peace. Thank you for helping anybody else effected be at peace.

Thank you for loving me in my anger with You. Thank you for Your endless patience and compassion.

Amen.

 

What is Bipolar Disorder? Abraham Hicks: a conversation.

Last night I came across an intriguing video on You Tube about Bipolar Disorder. It is a channeled message from spirit.

For those of you familiar with Esther and Jerry Hicks you will know that they channel the messages of a collective consciousness known as Abraham (I will refer to them in plural). You can read more about Abraham and Esther and Jerry Hicks here.

Esther herself calls Abraham “infinite intelligence,” and to Jerry they are “the purest form of love I’ve ever experienced.”

Should you not have 20mins to spare to watch the video, Abraham talks about “Bipolar symptoms” not Bipolar Disorder- thereby freeing us from a label.

Instead they acknowledge that it is a scale from deepest despair to utmost joy and unconditional love, and that those with the ability to feel such a broad spectrum of emotions are thus able to experience exactly what they do not want, in order to create a life full of joy. We are capable of feeling such pure joy and passion and love that others are not. In essence, by creating such beautiful emotions, we raise our vibration and therefore add this wonderful vibration to the world! A form of healing for the earth- this is our purpose. Our purpose is not that we do such and such as a career, but that we do whatever it is we love and that causes us great joy! This is not selfish at all. We are blessed with such a task as we raise the vibration of others around us.

“So many of you struggle to believe that such infinite joy is your birthright and your ultimate purpose. 

You are not to blame for your past struggles, your difficult childhoods, the traumas you have experienced. They have been planned by you before incarnation to fulfil a particular purpose in your spiritual growth. But what is so important, and this cannot be stressed enough, is that you do not hang on to these past pains. They have served their purpose, but are in the past. You are FREE beloved ones, to create the life you dream of.

Each one of you is so loved and so worthy. If you have experienced so little love and worthiness in the past, know that the time is NOW for you to open your hearts and experience the love we have for every single one of you. Allow yourself to surrender and receive this love. You are worthy. You are loved. You are safe.”

Our RIGHTNESS

Abraham talks of Bipolar as having experienced ourselves as ultimately WRONG throughout our lives from childhood.

Our true selves experienced as children are criticised, put down, belittled. We are taught that our beliefs or imaginations or passions are strange and we may be bullied by peers or parents, so that we cause little fear for them. If we are gifted (as many bestowed with the Bipolar title often are), parents may be threatened by our talents and our power.

Children have just as much power as adults, but adults like to push it down, to make themselves RIGHT, as they were also made WRONG in their own childhoods.

Children can become a tool to be used. This is so sad and such a betrayal.

Despite their own spiritual power, children are so vulnerable as they need the love and care of their parents to survive. This love and care may be denied by the parents when they feel threatened and fearful of our true selves.

Parents may even feel jealousy and contempt. They may feel bitter at having to give up their own freedom to have us, and bewildered as to why they don’t enjoy parenthood- in fact they may hate it. The seething contempt of a bitter mother can be projected onto her child and cause what feels like a soul murder. That is how I experienced the rejection of myself as a child. I felt like nothing. I felt evil and bad. I felt shamed and worthless, except when I became mother’s pet and made her feel good, or served some useful purpose.

I myself have found this a very challenging concept to understand, and learn to forgive my own parents for ( a process I am still working on).

To allow the beautiful power of our true selves back into our lives, when ultimately displaying it as a child has caused abuse and abandonment, is very scary. It is okay to be scared by this though and to go ahead with creating our joy anyway. It is uncomfortable at first, maybe even painful, maybe even excrutiating. But we know in our hearts that this is where our joy lives.

Follow that intuition to joy. Trust yourself- something we have been taught not to do.

How does being WRONG relate to Bipolar symptoms?

When we follow our creative passions- we are experiencing a high vibration of energy. We feel determined and focused on what we want. Often this driven energy is labelled as hypomania.

But as what we want and the joy that accompanies it begins to come to fruition, the pain associated with expressing our true selves freely as children may come crashing back. This is WRONG, we are being WRONG. We believe that we must suppress our joy to remain safe. Our false selves (the repressed self- the passions and creativity we stifle to make others feel better about themselves) have been labelled RIGHT by others during childhood. We have a habit of believing this. It is safe. We haven’t been so abused as this false self. Abraham observes that we would rather be RIGHT than be our magnificent true selves.

But ultimately we are in charge of what is RIGHT for us!

We need to allow ourselves to be scared and jump into our own RIGHTNESS- not that dictated to us by others.

You will know when you reach your RIGHTNESS- it will feel natural, bring you joy, fulfilment and contentment. You will fall in love with your own life again. You will wake up with a spring in your step and excited to create some more joy, because now you can see where it lies and that you are deserving and worthy.

What about Mania and Psychosis?

Bipolar symptoms are all about balance. The ends of the spectrum are so extreme that the mind can become out of control and help may be required to bring back stability.

Know that this is a journey and learning to balance the extremes is all part of a life such as this.

What is most important for people with Bipolar symptoms?

What is most important for anybody? You are all the same!

Peace. Inner peace. Unconditional love and compassion for yourself. Forgiveness and an ability to focus on joy, creating joy. Joy is life force! With life force you can create more joy- more life force! Just learn to control this in whichever way works for you- this may be a trail and error experiment.

Focus, Joy and Pleasure.

Those with Bipolar symptoms are excellent at FOCUSING- as expressed by Abraham in the video. They are very skilled at creating the joyful life force, then using it to create more and more- it is learning to ground and contain that high vibration of energy that is important in overcoming any lack of control and remembering that you are not WRONG for expressing your true self and your true joy.

Of course staying away from any chemical substances is always advised, but is particularly important for you in maintaining control.

Other past times that will lower the vibration of your experience are meaningless sex (with no love)/pornography/becoming obsessed with ANYTHING! For some this may be exercise, for other work. Learn the fine art of balance. Seeking pleasure through these experiences is different from JOY. Joy comes from the heart. Pleasure comes from the lower senses and is a satisfaction of some more primitive desire. JOY always creates! Pleasure does not.

JOY CREATES.

PLEASURE DOES NOT.

Joy will create a warmth in your heart and an inner fulfillment. It is spiritual upliftment.

Pleasure will satisfy only a physical or lower psychological desire.

Controlling the Joy

When experiencing the bliss of divine life force coursing through us in our joyful state, it is very easy to become ungrounded.

You can read more about grounding here.

Depression

Depression results when we shame ourselves for our joy at being WRONG. We shame ourselves for our joy because our parents or friends don’t have joy- therefore it is WRONG. The denial of our true selves is further abandonment- an experience so distressing to a young child that it is excruciatingly painful and traumatising. The true self experiences this soul murder all over again.

It is a trigger to re-traumatisation.

No wonder we feel so horrendous!

We are abandoning ourselves in favour of being RIGHT by other people’s standards, but also re-experiencing the abuse of our childhoods: total rejection and betrayal.

Summing up

To me, the explanation of Bipolar symptoms from Abraham was something I could most certainly relate to. I remained slightly dissatisfied as to the lack of detail gone into about the experience of psychosis and also the lack of acknowledgement of the deep suffering bipolar symptoms can cause. But I love spiritual/energetic explanations- they feel much more RIGHT (!) to me than the clinical ones, and help me to see that this is what I planned for my life and that there are positive sides to experiencing such extreme emotions too.

Related Posts

Bipolar Disorder as Spiritual Awakening

Depression & Grounding

Hypomania & Grounding

Mental Health Issue v Spiritual Crisis: Guest post by Katie Mottram

Forward-thinking Psychiatry

Resources

About Abraham Hicks

About Jerry & Esther Hicks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow Your Heart

ID-10077229

Yesterday I went to a Mind, Body, Spirit Fair at a school near me. I really enjoy these events which are packed with complementary therapists offering taster treatments, such as massages, craniosacral therapy, shiatsu and reiki healing. There are psychic readers and mediums, and stalls selling crystals, books, jewellery, essential oils, incense and gifts.

 

Psychic Artist

Throughout the day workshops take place and I went to one by a wonderful psychic artist called Marilyn.

She spoke of her spiritual journey and how she’d learnt to be so much more loving and kind to herself, both physically and emotionally. She realised that when she suppressed the true desires of her heart that this frequently led to some kind of illness, like depression.

Working in jobs that did not fulfil her soul and true calling were self-destructive.

This led her to invest more time and energy in her natural sensitivity to the spirit world and to her love of colour and creativity, resulting in a fulfilling career as a psychic artist.

ID-10081670Trusting Intuition

She also demonstrated how much she trusts her intuition whilst creating a portrait of a spirit guide for a workshop participant.

Her process involves connecting with Spirit, then allowing her hand to squiggle pastel all over the paper in one colour. From this she sees forms and figures emerging, and a face taking shape.

She was given various bits of information as she completed the portrait with different colours, information about the person it was for and messages they needed to know.

The recipient of the portrait was able to accept all the information given as completely relevant  to her, and was grateful for the messages that came through.

It was a wonderful example of trust in intuition and the artist following her heart.

Intuition or Hypomania?

Following your heart is something that I really believe in, but something I also struggle with.

Due to my past experiences, and consequences of decisions I’ve made where I’ve truly believed that I was following my intuition, I don’t fully trust myself.

For example, I felt really excited when I got a job as a teaching assistant. I’d always felt called to work with children and was looking forward to feeling fulfilled in this way. I would definitely say I was hypomanic at this time and I was soon imagining the way I would completely change the entire teaching system in the country! I felt so amazingly confident in my abilities and that nothing could go wrong. This completely felt like the right thing to be doing!

ID-10072062Within a couple of months of working at the school I crashed into total exhaustion and panic attacks. I couldn’t talk to people without panicking, and had to give up the job. It took probably a year to completely recover. My confidence was completely shattered.

So, yes, I find my intuition difficult to trust, and question whether my decisions are coming from a hypomanic- type state.

Successes

I have had some success with following my heart too, and it is important to remember this.

I have followed my instinct to walk in nature, which has often led to inspiration to…

….write! I’ve followed this inner nudging which has resulted in this blog, which I see as successful.

The writing has also acted as a kind of therapy for me, helped me to get more in touch with my emotions and to help me feel that I am contributing something worthwhile to the universe.

I also joined a choir, as I love to sing! This has led to involvement with other choirs, one which I particularly love, to wonderful new friends, to participating in events all over the country, and even to my amazing boyfriend with whom I have found so much joy!

Moving Forward Into Love 

Instead of worrying so much about what I want to do with my life, sometimes it is just about surrendering to a moment where I feel “that I’d really like to walk out of the house this evening and join this choir!”

Then I can let go and let nature take its course.

I didn’t join with the intention of making wonderful friends, travelling over the country to participate in amazing events, or even meeting such a fantastic boyfriend. I joined because at that moment I wanted to sing! I remembered how much I love to sing!

I didn’t overcomplicate the matter. I moved into love.

Kestrel

Kestrel

The Rules We Make

One of my other heart’s desires is to create more artwork. However I find it very difficult to sit down and draw something. I feel very resistant to it.

So is it that I don’t really want to create art? Or do I need to create in a new way, and change my beliefs and perspective about my intention?

I think I put way too much pressure on myself, and give myself unhelpful rules!!

“I’ll allow myself to create art if it is possible to make money from it, otherwise there is no point”.

“Art isn’t a serious career”.

“Art is folly”.

“What I create must be realistic and from a photo reference”.

“I must stick to what I’m good at, which is coloured pencil art”.

I didn’t even realise I was creating such boundaries for myself. I know it is to keep myself ‘safe’. Safe from ridicule if I create something that looks ‘weird’ or people don’t understand.

“The art that I create will be more saleable if I stick to the rules and has always fostered compliments in the past. Compliments make me feel good. Criticism makes me feel bad”.

In this way I have clouded the joy and love I felt for art as a child with perfectionist views and other people’s messages to me when I was growing up.

JumpLetting Go

Letting go of that concern for other people’s opinions and of that need to control the process to avoid our fears is simple in theory, but not easy to do.

But I will try to let go of these fears and to create from my heart. I’ll look at the paper in front of me with the intention of enjoying filling it with colour and form. I will free myself from attaching to the outcome. I will trust the process.

It’ll be an experiment and I will observe what happens!

 

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