I’ve been doing way too much thinking recently- probably worrying more like! It strikes me how small my world is- I’ve let it shrink because I’ve been afraid. There are things I’ve legitimately let go of because they just didn’t work in my life, but there are also things I’ve given up on because they were scary and uncomfortable, even though I could see my world becoming more colourful and, well….bigger!
Spiritual Development Group: A Legitimate Letting Go?
For example, at the beginning of the year I began a Spiritual Development Group in my home. In total I had 3 people join. This was as I was expecting as there is not much call for these kind of groups- they’re pretty specialist. During the group sessions, I taught a bit about chakras and some of the meditation techniques, then we’d do a relaxation and practice the meditation techniques. After that we might do oracle readings for each other, or I’d teach more about Bach Flower Remedies or Crystals.
I really did enjoy the teaching part.
What I didn’t enjoy was the organisation and anxiety. I never knew who and how many people were coming, and for someone who is a little bit of a control freak, this was a little bit scary. I worried that one person might turn up and I’d have to do a one on one session for the small group price (one on one can be intense), or that they’d be two, and that wouldn’t really be enough. I’d only really be happy if there were 3-5 members there. I didn’t like people missing any teaching as I’d have to go over it next time. That was annoying. Then I worried that I wasn’t good enough, that I was a fraud. I worried that someone would attribute any poor health that came their way to my sessions, and then sue me. I worried that other people thought I was weird and that they were laughing at me behind my back.
I one of the group members challenging- her energy was very strong and I felt uncomfortable around her,
I basically worried and worried. Then that worrying blocked my connection with Spirit- I wasn’t trusting Spirit, or hearing what I needed to know for the classes. Then I worried about this! It would have gone on forever.
I cancelled the group. I was spending so much time worrying that I lost faith in myself and also questioned my enjoyment and whether or not it was the right thing for me to be doing at this time.
Did I legitimately cancel the group? I think so. It really wasn’t working for me and it didn’t feel quite right. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time. I didn’t feel a love for it.
At around the same time, I also stepped out of my comfort zone to teach flute. A teacher who was moving away had recommended me as a suitable replacement for her to a few of her pupils.
Of course I worried about this too! I questioned my skills as a flautist, and whether I’d get on with the pupil. I’d never taught flute before! I felt more confident about my teaching skills as I think I’ve been building these up over the years. I really do enjoy teaching.
Anyway- I loved it! My pupil was wonderful too and we’ve had a successful 9 months together so far.
But I still get a bit scared! Every time we have a lesson I’ll be a bit nervous beforehand. It’s still a bit scary. But I love it, so I push through! I think the fear is of the unknown, and how the lesson will progress, or fear that I’ll somehow mess up. The unknown isn’t controllable or certain. It’s about trusting the process, trusting my skills, trusting my pupil, and trusting Spirit.
It was Steven Spielberg who got me thinking about this today, or rather an interview with him on the documentary ‘Spielberg’.
He was talking about how he still felt anxious before he went to shoot a scene with a room full of actors and crew. He didn’t know how the shoot would go, or what problems he’d encounter and how he’d solve them.
I couldn’t believe this!! Hollywood mega-giant Steven Spielberg felt frightened initially when going on set to shoot a new scene! He’s a directing genius, a directing god!! How on earth could he possibly be frightened!! Wow!!
He went on to say that he liked this fear- it was a good fear. He said if he felt comfortable and confident about what he was shooting then he didn’t strive to go that extra distance, or put in that extra bit of energy. He tried harder. He said he produced his best work when he felt this fear, even panic! It was like he had made friends with it. He loved what he was doing so much that he pushed through. He trusted Spirit/the Universe. He trusted himself and his crew. He trusted that his fear was going to help him as, of course, it did and still does.
A Bigger World!
Steven Spielberg’s world gets bigger every time he trusts and creates. My world has gotten pretty small and I want to expand it! I want to trust and to believe and to be brave. I want to create a more magical world for myself- one where I create everyday, and bring out the world that is inside me- bring out the heaven in my mind and give it life on earth.
I am learning to trust, and I am learning to be brave.