Lockdown Depression

When I get depressed again, I always feel it’s my fault or that I somehow deserve it. I guess that’s all part of it, right? I know logically that’s not the case, but those thoughts feel so real.

I hate admitting I’m struggling again. I keep thinking surely I’ve learnt enough about depression, self help, spirituality, etc, to keep myself out of it? Have I failed again?

It doesn’t seem to occur to me that sometimes it just happens, or that we are in the first months of the year which are usually tough on many people with mental health issues, or that we are in hard lockdown at the moment (in the UK). It sucks right now here. Since Christmas we’ve been stuck at home with nasty weather, and now it feels claustrophobic and I’m getting ratty with my husband.

I always blame myself when I get irritable too. I feel ashamed that I can’t feel loving all the time. I’m only human right? Why am I so tough on myself?! I know it comes from childhood- I wasn’t allowed to get angry- I’d be shut in my bedroom, and shamed by my parents. I soon learnt to push it all down.

Being positive doesn’t feel realistic at the moment. I think I need to let off some steam before I can turn it around. Get some anger out maybe. I think I’ve been suppressing my frustrations about lockdown. I need some space to myself- serious space. I think I’m missing people in general, so maybe I’m feeling lonely. It’s hard to admit. Why? It’s such a human emotion. Why does it somehow feel like a failure? I don’t want to be so tough on myself anymore. But I feel stuck in my own self judgement. I feel so flawed.

As far as depression goes in my bipolar history, this is by no means the worst I’ve been. So that’s something. I know it passes too. The days are getting lighter, we’re on our way out of winter, getting closer to lockdown being lifted (though no date yet), and the vaccine roll out is in full swing. See- I managed a little positivity.