Bipolar & Self-Hatred

Sounds a really depressing title doesn’t it? Well that’s because it’s gonna be a depressing post! That’s your official warning over.

Slipped back into serious depression over the last week. Had a bad panic attack on Thursday afternoon when I managed to lock myself out of the house.

Thoughts currently going through head:

– You’ll never ever be good enough.
– God’s fed up with giving you second chances, he’s given up on you.
– You’ll never complete your life purpose, you can’t even do the easy things in life.
– I hate you, I don’t want to be with you anymore.

Think these thoughts were increased after going to a relative’s house. A 30 year old lady is staying with them. She’s attractive, slim, rich and a solicitor. She had a huge silver Lexus parked on the driveway.

I’ll never make it like that. How can people have a career and be successful in this way? I feel so jealous and hate myself for giving up my teaching degree. I could have been something. Why do I have to have this effing Bipolar crap? I hate it so much. I hate being this. I’m a jealous, angry, bitter, hopeless, pointless mess of a person. I should just die.

But right now I’m gonna try and take my own advice from my last post on Self-Acceptance. I’m going to remember that there are different kinds of success. I’m going to see this hateful, bullying side of my personality, see the fear that is it’s driving force…and send it love.

Gonna need all the luck in the world, coz right now I’m feeling anything but loving.

But I’m trying…..

A blog post by the brilliant Dr Wayne Dyer:

Embrace the Challenge in Adversity

“If you shield the mountain from the wind storms, you never see the beauty of the carvings.”

On Death and Dying author Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

(Image courtesy of Evgeni Dinev/freedigitalphotos.net)

(Top image courtesy of Now and Zen Photography/freedigitalphotos.net)

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5 thoughts on “Bipolar & Self-Hatred

  1. Mountain Missy

    Keep going and keep trying because this too shall pass. I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar I recently and am trying to stabilize. I thought it a bit ironic, I was going for my teaching degree most recently when I didn’t pass a class. Unfortunately, that and losing a job sent me into a spiral. I don’t mean to speak of me. I just mean to say, I understand where you may be right now and just hang on…just hang on. That’s all.

    Reply
  2. rachelmiller1511 Post author

    Thanks so much, it’s always great to hear words of support. Sounds like you’re going through a hard time too. Funny about the teaching thing. It always seems like the end of the world when these things go wrong. Wish you lots of luck getting through it. I’m feeling much more positive today, well at the moment!! You never know what’s round the corner in a few hours with Bipolar!

    Reply
  3. Sandy Sue

    One of the meanest parts of this illness is how we *forget*. We forget the nasty thoughts in our heads aren’t ours, they are the illness’. We forget all the growth and accomplishments we’ve made. We forget how many people love us. We forget we are already in the middle of our life’s purpose.

    The illness twists truth into lies and lies in to truth. Don’t listen, dear friend, Rachel. Wait. Be. You are loved.

    Reply
  4. rachelmiller1511 Post author

    Thanks Sandy Sue, your words mean a lot. It’s amazing how much you can feel supported by people over the Internet, you’re the ones who really understand.

    Thank you so much.

    Rachel
    X

    Reply
  5. Pingback: Bipolar Disorder & Depression: Baby Steps Towards a Spiritual Solution « My Bipolar Life

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