Binge Eating- Bach Flower Remedy Chestnut Bud

Current Bach Flower Remedies I’m taking:

Vine, Vervain, Chestnut Bud, Cherry Plum, Impatiens, Centaury, Cerato

Focus on Chestnut Bud: for those who don’t seem able to focus and learn from any experience but instead keep repeating them, and make the same mistakes over and over again.

Other remedies mentioned:

Cerato– lacking in confidence in own inner voice or intuition, seeking answers externally.

Centaury– service and dedication to a cause turn the person into a doormat, and they are unable to say no to any request.

I’ve been thinking about the Chestnut Bud remedy and how it can help long-term with my relentless binge eating, which I just can’t seem to get control of. It’s been going on for years. Sometimes I feel willing to stop, and I think it is the willingness that is the first step. There are many times when I don’t feel willing at all, and Little Rachel is kicking and screaming to carry on. If I think about it in terms of immediately stopping and never bingeing again, it feels like a mountain to be climbed. What has become more apparent whilst taking Chestnut Bud, are the little ways in which I can help myself.

I’ve noticed positive reasons to abstain popping into my head; for example: feeling better! It sounds really obvious, but I never consider this seriously each day- the impulsivity usually takes over. I can get through the day without feeling sick and de-energised from a binge and this is what I want more than the other alternative! I can feel more productive and motivated to get on with something more enjoyable!

Enjoyable activities are also something I’ve been trying again- even just little periods of playing the piano, colouring, doodling etc. I’ve even started reading a novel! It’s been a long time since I’ve read anything other than non-fiction, mainly spiritual and personal development-type stuff. It’s Sophie Kinsella’s “What’s Your Number”- light, fluffy and amusing, and I’m enjoying it! A purposeful step away from losing myself on the internet or television, or both at the same time. It’s also more relaxing and peaceful which is a bonus.

Another little thing has been having a yoghurt after dinner instead of ice cream or cake. Another fairly obvious thing, but I think the Chestnut Bud is really helping me to be present in my decision making, rather than floating up in my head lost in thoughts and then acting impulsively.

I think the Cerato is helping too as I’m actually listening to and trusting my own intuition with all these little ideas.

A block for me has been with art. I’ve always been such a perfectionist, and my drawings have always been very detailed and as realistic as I can make them. It’s become a very tight, tension-building experience, and it is no wonder I’ve not enjoyed it at all for a long time. So to get to the point where I’m actually sitting down and doodling, just enjoying the process rather than focusing on the end result, is a real achievement. Normally I’d be filled with thoughts of “what’s the point just doodling? It’s not leading to a beautifully finished wall-mountable work”. I’m actually letting myself have fun!!

Does Centaury help with setting boundaries for your own behaviours? I certainly feel like I have an unruly child part of my personality, Little Rachel wanting all the cake etc. I think Centaury is helping me to be more disciplined with her, and saying no in certain situations.

So far, so good with this combination for the binge eating.

Bach Flower Remedies Page.

Happy doodles.

Loving the Inner Child

I have been aware of the need to love the inner child for many years , through my own reading and research on how to overcome my childhood issues. It is only in the last few months that I have really noticed a difference in the way I have related to this part of myself in a more loving, nurturing way.

About a month ago, I purchased some new piano music to try after streaming the album online. I picked a few pieces and found them to be extremely difficult. I usually pride myself on spending lots of time working through difficult pieces to improve my playing, but these were so difficult as to not really provide much pleasure in even small improvements. At first I found myself exceptionally angry and frustrated.

“I should be able to play it!”

“Why can’t I play it?!”

“I must be a lot worse at piano than I thought!”

“I’m so rubbish. I’ll never be good enough.” (Notice how this then became a generalisation to my whole self!)

By this point I was really grumpy and about to let the frustration spoil my evening, so I decided to take myself off into our bedroom to meditate, to see if I could work through this.

Well, very quickly after relaxing into meditation I became aware of the barking voice of my old deputy headmistress from my primary school-

“You stupid child, why can’t you do it? Everybody else can do it, why can’t you? Are you an idiot?”

These words were never directed at me, but there were a certain few classmates who bore the brunt of the abuse over the years. She was an absolute dragon! I’d honestly forgotten about her, but during this meditation I realised my inner child hadn’t! She was still absolutely terrified of her, and had taken on the belief that she must be absolutely flawless to avoid this type of verbal attack. She was devastated for her classmates, but also just terrified by the insane rage of this woman. My inner child thought that this was normal and what was deserved. She didn’t know that this kind of verbal attack was abusive, and cruel, and that the only one in the wrong was the headmistress.

I honestly felt true compassion for my inner child in that moment. I wanted to protect her and shout back at the headmistress. I knew I was capable of being just as fierce! I wanted to pick up little Rachel, and comfort her. So in my mind I did. I told her that she was in no way deserving of this kind of bullying, that she was loved and protected, she had done absolutely nothing wrong, and the headmistress was a cruel human being who would probably lose her job now. The primary school was a very strict Catholic school and was big on the shaming approach. You will go to hell if you’re disobedient- that kind of thing. That seriously screws you up when you’re so young, sensitive, and vulnerable. There were also incidents of teachers smacking misbehaving kids over their knee in front of the whole class. I remember this clearly. We were only 4 or 5.

This might sound trivial to some people, but being such a highly sensitive individual, and so desperate to please everybody, I was extremely affected. No wonder I always want to be so bloody perfect at art and music, and life in general. The headmistress’s bullying voice became my own bullying voice, in a bid to protect myself from public shaming. If I could bully myself into the desired behaviour/performance/achievement, then I would get there before the she would- hence avoiding a verbal assault in front of my peers.

Anyway, after soothing my inner child whilst in meditation, I did start to feel much more loved, calmer, and I cared much less about the difficult piano pieces. Insanely difficult. I was expecting too much, and reminded myself of the other hard pieces I had learned, and how much I loved playing them. Loving playing is the most important part.

I was proud of myself for noticing my anger that evening, and for having the presence of mind to stop myself, and say “hey, let’s sort this out before it ruins the whole evening. What is going on here that is making me feel so angry? How am I treating myself?”

I am grateful that some higher guidance hooked me up with a very good reason why I was feeling so much fear, and that I was able to soothe my inner child. To begin to feel this kind of protectiveness for her, this love and compassion, is quite a breakthrough for me, so I am very thankful! I’m sure there will be much more work with her to come!

Talking and Connection During Lockdown.

I am relieved that I’m starting to feel a little better. The weather has suddenly jumped from an average of 0 degrees C, to about 9, so I’m actually looking forward to my dog walk today.

I’d been grumpy with my husband all day Saturday, which I wrote about in my last post, and feeling shame about it. But Sunday started well as we both gave each other Valentine’s cards and little gifts, so that cheered me up and we opened up about the day before. He said he’d been very stressed about a situation at work, and suddenly everything clicked into place. That was why I was avoiding being around him on Saturday! I was feeling his stress as something I couldn’t face going near. Normally I can give support over these things, but because I have been feeling depressed for a few weeks, I just didn’t have the emotional strength or energy to deal with his problems.

I felt relieved to know that was what had been the issue (the trials of the highly sensitive empath), and once we talked about his work problem, we both felt much better, which relaxed the energy between us.

Then I actually felt strong enough to ring my parents- yes, it takes strength due to childhood traumas still lingering between us. They can be fun to talk to and are certainly better now I’m an adult, so that actually cheered me up, as I think I’d been missing chatting to people. Lockdown has certainly made me feel more isolated, and I’m really not great at picking up the phone to chat to friends (I’m phone phobic!). I definitely have social anxiety but also a need for some connection and conversation.

I feel lucky that I have hugs and affection everyday. If I lived alone, I’d definitely be missing those.

So Valentine’s Day was actually really good and we ended up with gorgeous steaks for dinner, (for once I didn’t overcook them) and watched the original X Men on Disney Plus.

It’s a total cliche, but I think a hot bath helped, as well as the Bach Flower Remedy Mustard (for depression with no known cause), and the essential oil Petitgrain. Lots of little things all adding up- that’s the way to improve my mood!

I think starting to write on here again has helped too. I haven’t really been very in touch with myself over the last year or two. I had been writing in my journal sporadically, but not like I used to. This is helping me to feel more human again. I forget how talking about things can help, even if I’m talking to cyberspace! I really do appreciate people reading this- so thank you if you are here!

Lockdown Depression

Depression SOS: Bach Flower Remedies

Bach Flower Remedies for Depression- Mustard and Gentian. (You Tube Video)

Lockdown Depression

When I get depressed again, I always feel it’s my fault or that I somehow deserve it. I guess that’s all part of it, right? I know logically that’s not the case, but those thoughts feel so real.

I hate admitting I’m struggling again. I keep thinking surely I’ve learnt enough about depression, self help, spirituality, etc, to keep myself out of it? Have I failed again?

It doesn’t seem to occur to me that sometimes it just happens, or that we are in the first months of the year which are usually tough on many people with mental health issues, or that we are in hard lockdown at the moment (in the UK). It sucks right now here. Since Christmas we’ve been stuck at home with nasty weather, and now it feels claustrophobic and I’m getting ratty with my husband.

I always blame myself when I get irritable too. I feel ashamed that I can’t feel loving all the time. I’m only human right? Why am I so tough on myself?! I know it comes from childhood- I wasn’t allowed to get angry- I’d be shut in my bedroom, and shamed by my parents. I soon learnt to push it all down.

Being positive doesn’t feel realistic at the moment. I think I need to let off some steam before I can turn it around. Get some anger out maybe. I think I’ve been suppressing my frustrations about lockdown. I need some space to myself- serious space. I think I’m missing people in general, so maybe I’m feeling lonely. It’s hard to admit. Why? It’s such a human emotion. Why does it somehow feel like a failure? I don’t want to be so tough on myself anymore. But I feel stuck in my own self judgement. I feel so flawed.

As far as depression goes in my bipolar history, this is by no means the worst I’ve been. So that’s something. I know it passes too. The days are getting lighter, we’re on our way out of winter, getting closer to lockdown being lifted (though no date yet), and the vaccine roll out is in full swing. See- I managed a little positivity.

Emerging Shadow Aspects of the Soul

Working with shadow parts is always something that makes me feel apprehensive, even though I know it shouldn’t as it is just the lower vibrational aspects of our soul arising to be released.

It is scary when I find out things about myself that I really don’t like. Knowing that they need love and healing helps a little. Also observing them rather than attaching to them helps to quell any judgement of myself that naturally stirs.

Just because we know how we don’t want to feel or be, doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t feel those things or have those aspects in our personalities.

Recently I’ve been noticing cowardly parts of myself. Actually that’s quite a judgemental word, I think I prefer fearful. I’ve noticed that I am far too happy to stay indoors and away from people in light of the current coronavirus outbreak. Things have just ramped up a notch here in the UK, and we’re now told to only go out for essential purposes.

At the moment this hasn’t bothered me one bit. I love being at home, it’s peaceful to me, and in my current recovery from Coeliacs Disease I still have little energy (an earlier boost a few weeks ago has unfortunately subsided). I am an introvert at heart, but one who needs and loves being around people in small doses.

The new imposed limits in contact have awoken in me a realisation that I am greatly relieved to have an excuse not to socialise. Like seriously relieved! This really surprised me. I’ve always been aware that I’m very socially anxious, but I didn’t realise by how much, or how much it has been affecting me.

What scares me so much about socialising with other people?

I find it all too intense. Other people’s energy seems very “loud” if that makes any sense to you? I feel very overwhelmed by it very quickly. At some point I even questioned if I have Aspergers. I certainly fit some of the criteria, but not enough for a diagnosis I don’t think.

The overwhelm doesn’t just come from the other people, but also the environment we are in: noise, visuals, other energies around us.

But even in a peaceful environment, one-on-one with a friend, I can only manage a small amount of time before I feel overstimulated.

I am constantly aware of how the other person sees me, perceives, judges. I am constantly monitoring myself and them for signs of doing something socially inappropriate or upsetting to someone.

No wonder I get so overstimulated, and fearful also. I put myself under a microscope and am super-conscious of everything I do.

Exploring my fear has helped me judge myself less. I almost feel I am observing a frightened child, one who hasn’t managed to learn how to accommodate her sensitivities, and judges herself harshly for not fitting in, and not wanting to socialise. It feels easier to be kinder and compassionate towards her.

I find online friendships helpful. They create a little bit of distance and I like that I can reply in writing, which I can take more time over, and am not in a situation I find pressurising.

This social anxiety has greatly impacted my ability to hold down a regular job, coupled with bipolar. I think when the anxiety is all the time, everyday at a job, and I am constantly exhausted from it, that is when the mood swings kick in and bipolar cycles begin and escalate.

I wonder if part of me, maybe part of my ancestral karma, is extremely judgemental of mental illness. It shocks me to think so, but I feel emotional at this realisation, which makes me think there is some truth in it.

It’s slightly horrifying seeing as mental health conditions are so rife in my family.

Perhaps we have ancestors or past lives that involve severe judgement or abuse of the mentally ill. Of course I seriously hope not, but there is definitely part of me that judges myself harshly for not being “normal” (I don’t see others’ mental health issues in this way at all) and sometimes I think I do bully myself. I feel ashamed that I’ve always found adulthood extremely difficult- dealing with a job, plus housework, cooking, washing etc. In fact the last three alone I find challenging enough.

I feel ashamed when people ask me “so what do you do Rachel?”. I never know what to say really. I don’t have a job. At the moment I don’t use my time very wisely either- too much TV and internet, not enough writing, art, piano and flute. I think I do try and bully myself into doing them, which inevitably makes me not want to do them. I’m extremely judgemental of myself when I do participate and am a perfectionist. Not much fun!

Then on top of all that I feel like I’m putting myself into a position of powerlessness by attaching to beliefs about being a victim.

I just can’t win! 😂

So, it would appear I need to do a whole lot of release of judgement, and a whole lot of forgiveness. I know these things take time, and it happens in baby steps. I’ve identified the problem, so now I can do something about it by being much more compassionate with myself, much kinder and gentler. One step at a time.

It’s funny. I asked my husband once what he most loved about me and he said that I am kind and caring. Not to myself it would seem, but hopefully I will be able to turn those qualities inwards.

N.B It has occurred to me that just by acknowledging and accepting our shadow qualities, we are being courageous.

Making Friends with Fear

Last night my husband and I went food shopping at the local supermarket. As expected, the shelves were very empty and I found myself taken aback by a wave of fear and panic that hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I knew this fear was not just my own, but the lingering energy of the hundreds of people who had walked in the doors over the last 24 hours or so, shocked, and some even quite terrified to see, for the first time, the effects of coronavirus in our rural town. The collective fear felt more foreign to me, like lots of voices and thoughts all chattering at once:

“what will I do if I can’t get milk, or tea, or toilet rolls?”

I know it sounds superficial when you consider that people are in serious pain with the virus, or have lost loved ones, but it is a very real fear to have your sense of security and safety tugged out from beneath your feet. We live in our own little bubble of the routine and security of an efficiently functioning society, so any disruption to that is bound to feel jarring.

If like me you have felt this cloud of fear when out shopping, or at home with the media flowing through your mind, then it is a good time to just acknowledge it is there.

My natural reaction to any uncomfortable emotion is to try and suppress or deny it. Distraction plays a part, but too often I’ll turn to obsessive or compulsive behaviour.

Today I felt a connection with my guides and angels as I finally stopped to feel this fear. I realised that I have been so scared to feel it, or any uncomfortable emotion, that I’ve desperately been pushing against it in resistance. But the wisdom they gave was to allow it. Allow the fear to be with you. Allow the fear to rest in your body and around you. Feel it in your body. Where do you feel it. Don’t try and change it. Let it be there. Is your stomach tight? Your shoulders tense? Your jaw clenched? Feel into the body. Be an investigator! Ask your body what it needs. Ask your spirit what it needs. Listen to your intuition and trust it. Talk to the fear- what is there that is so scary?

The more we spend time getting to know what we are feeling, the less frightening the fear will seem. We can send love to ourselves, give ourselves a big hug.

It is ok to feel fear.
We are not bad or weak or cowards for feeling fear.
It is all ok in this moment.

Ask that any fear that does not belong to you be cleared from your body and energy field. We help nobody by taking on this burden, particularly as it is so easy for Spirit to help us clear this- just ask! We are worthy of their help. Every single one of us.

Surrendering our feelings helps so much.
If we don’t know how to release fear, that is ok. Love yourself anyway.
Whatever you are feeling- tell yourself it is ok and that you are worthy of love. You are love.
Surrender any feelings of not knowing. Release into the uncertainty.

As I walked the dog this morning I noticed how “normal” everything felt out in nature. I didn’t feel a fearful vibration. The birds were chirping and carrying on about their daily business as usual, and I found this very comforting. If you are sensitive, I highly recommend spending some time in nature every day, even just to feel the normality of birds singing their joyful song, or flowers unfolding their petals in perfect timing with natures rhythm. Nature trusts in the universe. That everything is ok.

It is in our society where the fear is accumulating- our unnatural society of consumption and power and gain. In nature the earth is breathing a sigh of relief as pollution levels decrease significantly due to coronavirus. There is a natural healing process taking place. Everything is ok. Trust in the process.


Resources

These posts are all on my sister-site The Light Sanctuary, where I delve deeper into spirituality:

Divine Light Meditation– clear energetic vibrations of fear from your body and energetic field.

Sensitivity to World Events

Sensing Light Out Into The World

A World Changed- What do We Need to Do?

Whether or not you are particularly spiritual, oracle cards can be a fun focus for personal development, and more often than not you’ll find yourself pulling out cards randomly and finding that they relate accurately to issues that are currently at play in your life. Many cards come with little books that offer interpretations, but you’ll likely find ideas present themselves to you as you think about the card, or journal out your thoughts.

Like the rest of the world, I’ve recently been drawn in to the media to keep up to date with the latest COVID-19 developments. This morning I really wanted to get my cards out and connect with Spirit to find out why the virus is happening, and how I can help.

There was me expecting that I could offer channeled wisdom for the collective, when Spirit firmly put me in my place with a wink and a nudge, and all the cards strongly suggested to retreat, be alone, connect with Spirit, and focus on my health. I practically laughed out loud, as my grand thoughts were so way off base! I love that our guides and angels can make us laugh at ourselves, they can be so playful.

“Turn off the TV.
Turn off the internet.
Remember what I love.
Remember who I am.
Go and play the flute and piano, and sing, and spend time with my husband and dog.
Get in touch with myself through journalling and meditating.
Go get the paints out.
Have fun.”

This is a prime time to remember what is important to us. The majority of us at the moment are waiting for the uncertainty to unfold. It is easy to be gripped by fear and glued to the news. ( I, for one, can get very obsessive and my own mental health can easily start to spiral out of control).

The message is to go within, and to focus on our own little worlds. We have power here to affect change through our attitudes and hearts. Yes, we have some power! We don’t have to let ourselves feel so powerless. Little deeds of love lift vibrations in our little worlds. Little deeds of love include loving ourselves as much as anyone else and cultivating the things we love in our lives- for me this is music, art and spiritual development, as well as the more obvious relationships. If we take care of ourselves, we are in a much better condition to help others with our hearts wide open. Helping from a place of fatigue and with a closed heart is not really helping to uplift the vibration- as well as feeling bad ourselves, those who we are “helping” can sense this and easily feel guilty and that they are being a burden. Not very helpful for the collective vibration.

My own feelings are that the economy and world leadership are going to change considerably.

Our lives are going to be led less by consumerism, individual success, and power, and more by communities and family life. We will all be reminded of how rich our lives truly are, and that we have so much to share with other people.

There will be much more focus on wholeness, and oneness. I think this is why we are being brought back to ourselves. Being whole starts with each one of us individually. When we are healing from past traumas, events, relationships, abuse, disappointments, or losses, the fractured parts of our soul are being brought back together and making peace with each other. We are forgiving ourselves, learning to love ourselves. Wholeness starts within each of our hearts- with unconditional love for ourselves. This time is one of great opportunity to heal our own soul. A world full of healed hearts is a place of peace, not one of war. There will always be challenges for we need them to grow, but this is a chance to step forward into the light, up one rung of the ladder towards a more peaceful, harmonious world.

Already we are being reminded of our oneness- every continent is being affected by the same virus, by the same problems. We are all together in this and for the first time I can remember, it feels as if the world is joined by one thing. Let it be that this virus does not destroy us, but helps our hearts grow in light, for love is not a fluffy emotion, but the strongest, most powerful force we can imagine.

What if “the story” is the answer?

I’ve recently discovered Matt Kahn on You Tube. If you haven’t seen or heard of him, he is a spiritual healer and speaker who just seems brimming with wisdom and what, to me, feels like truth. (As a bonus he also happens to be hilarious!)

Some spiritual teachers talk of not getting stuck in “your story”- referring to our tendency as human beings to replay our past and over-identify with our traumas. I think they mean this is the sense that we shouldn’t wallow in self-pity and nurture victimhood and resentment, which may seem like a very sensible thing, and perhaps easier to accomplish when you are out the other side of the tunnel.

But Matt Kahn speaks of how this can seem a very rejecting and unkind thing to do for ourselves. Most of us have been through some shit!! To be told to stop wallowing in “our story” is a kick in the teeth when many of us are perhaps hopelessly entangled in it, and perhaps haven’t finished working and learning from our pain. We might not have finished being angry and resentful- we might need to be angry and resentful in order to heal further.

He talks more of self-compassion, and loving this angry part of ourselves unconditionally. This part of us that is still attached and in the grips of whatever abuse, neglect, or loss we’ve endured- this part needs our love more than anything, not to be told to suck it up and stop wallowing. The way out of the tangle and mess of our past traumas is loving and accepting ourselves when every single part of us IS “our story”. We may not always be so identified with it, but when we are, to be told to reject it is to be told to reject ourselves. That is pretty harsh and not very helpful in my opinion.

I think that everyone can be helped in different ways. I find loving and accepting ourselves when we are entwined with “out story” to be much kinder and more compassionate than to be told to just get over it and move on. For some people this might even be abandoning their inner child even more, when what they need is to be guided gently through the pain by our loving adult selves. Of course some people might need the firmer approach, it might be totally appropriate for them, but I’m not one of them.

Matt Kahn on You Tube – the funniest spiritual teacher I’ve discovered!

Fatigue Overload Recovery and A Wedding!

I’m back. I hate it when people apologize for being away from their blog or You Tube channel, like there’s an audience hanging on, just waiting for the next post with great anticipation. So I’m not apologizing, but I will update with my goings on.

This is the first week in months that I have felt near normal levels of energy. I’d had energy dips for ages and they had generally been attributed by doctors to be part of depressive phases of bipolar disorder. But over the last few years I’ve been getting this insane level of sleepiness, weakness and general fatigue that seemed completely unrelated to my mood. Walking for longer than 15-20mins was becoming impossible, and I hadn’t realised how much it had been impacting my life until last September when I visited family in Plymouth, and could take part in very little of all the activities they had planned.

So a quick trip to the doctor and a blood test later, I was diagnosed with Coeliacs Disease, treated entirely through complete elimination of gluten from the diet. At first I was elated- I could actually do something about the fatigue! I had in my head that it was going to turn out to be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which I knew there is no cure for. At least I could do something about this! Gradually the realisation of cutting out so many foods I love began to sink in, and I was pretty moody for a few weeks!

Anyway, I’m two weeks into a gluten free diet, and I feel I have energy again! I can’t believe it! It’s like a miracle! I walked my dog the last few days without struggling to move my legs, which usually felt completely encased in thick, sticky mud. I’ve not felt so completely exhausted by 12 noon that I have to go back to bed! It’s so weird! Good weird obviously, but now I have to do stuff! Haha!! I want to become productive again, and writing was the first thing to come to mind, as well as practising the flute for wind band, and getting back into art. I’m actually going to have to start planning my activities!

Life lesson learnt. If you have severe fatigue, don’t just attribute it to something you already have. Get it checked out!

Oh, also since I was last here, I got married!!! Jon is amazing, another miracle in my life and I am so blessed!

 

Dealing With Unkindness

An underhanded, sarcastic comment threw me last night. It was clearly aimed at me and full of passive-aggression. Only those “in the know” would have understood it- there were a few sniggering looks between those people. Flashback to school and similar experiences. Within seconds I was panicking and questioning- “was that aimed at me?”, “did she really say that?”, “am I just being crazy?”.

It’s those subtle remarks that really set off self-doubt in what I am perceiving and how I’m interpreting it. When other people around you don’t notice anything, you have nobody to validate your way of perceiving what happened, so you continually question and doubt yourself, all the while trying to deal with any emotions that automatically switch on- mainly anxiety, later anger.

In the past- mainly school and work environments- people have always said to me “you’re too sensitive”, “you need a thicker skin”. I don’t agree with that. If I lose my sensitivity, I lose my ability to love deeply, to experience deeply, my innate spirituality, my creativity, my passion. These are things I now see as gifts. It’s taken a long time as I previously believed that yes, I was too sensitive and should learn to be like everybody else. Maybe because I’m sensitive I am also kinder, more compassionate and empathic? In my opinion these are definitely qualities that need to be out there in the world.

But I would like to be less afraid of being hurt. I am so scared of harsh comments, criticism, unkindness and bullying, that I isolate myself enormously.

I think to feel more protected I must love myself so much, and be so involved with serving a purpose in the world, that these comments or unkindness’s just roll off my back, because I’m so into loving and living my life, that I barely take any notice.

When other people behave unkindly I think it is also a good warning sign to keep them out of my life, and to spend time with much kinder folk. There is a strange part of me that is determined to get involved with unkindness and show those that have hurt me that I didn’t deserve it, or to change the person’s view of me to something more positive. My ego views other people’s opinions of me as so important that they are the ones that form my view of myself- my whole identity, so any negative comments coming my way are seen by my ego as major attacks on my psyche.

The more conscious part of me knows that it is my own opinion of myself that matters. It is good to take others’ views of myself into consideration when they are coming from somebody who knows me well, loves me, and is honest and truthful, but nobody has the power to dictate my identity. It happened in childhood- it’s a pattern now that I will break. As a child it was about survival- be the person my parents/teachers want me to be to avoid abandonment. That’s in its most basic form. But I don’t need to do that anymore. I am safe. I will not abandon myself anymore.